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8 year old hates me and my new life, boyfriend etc
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 111188" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>There can be other reasons for a child rejecting a boyfriend. And as GOSOX told us, the problems with her daughter began before the boyfriend was on the scene.</p><p></p><p>BBK, you've come close to this other reason in your descriptions.</p><p></p><p>When a marriage breaks up, the children's world gets changed drastically. For our children, the world revolves around them. The sun rises FOR THEM in the morning, breakfast magically appears on the table, there is always dinner ready and snacks available too, unless a parent is being wilfully controlling and refusing the child access to the snacks of her choice. But in general - children grow up taking us and the stability of their environment for granted. And like it or not, it is mothers who are seen by most children as the providers of their needs. Sorry, fellas.</p><p></p><p>And now YOU'VE left. Naughty mummy. Everything was fine (according to her - she can conveniently forget, or self-censor, the arguing; or tell herself it wasn't THAT bad). She is expressing her anger with you at causing the upheaval in her world.</p><p></p><p>And still - she expects everything to revolve around her, and getting HER needs met. She requires/demands your undivided attention. You work three jobs - so when are you available for her? Are you still putting breakfast on the table? Still maintaining the old familiar family routines? Or does your new situation make other life changes necessary?</p><p></p><p>I would also be seriously thinking and cataloguing ALL the changes in her life since the split. Stop thinking it's all your fault - you see far less of her now, there are many other influences in her life. What are they? What has been happening elsewhere?</p><p></p><p>My best friend split with her husband before I ever met her. He was physically and emotionally abusive; she also suspects he was sexually abusing both children. At the time of the separation (he left her for the woman next door, would you believe) her son was 2, her daughter was 5. Both had witnessed the beatings. After the beatings, he would want sex. One sick dude.</p><p>She raised the kids on her own. He had access but didn't fight too hard when the kids refused to visit (especially the daughter) and when he moved interstate the visits stopped almost completely.</p><p>She raised the kids herself, but tried to be a friend to them, especially her daughter. And the girl was a big handful. Tantrums galore. An expert in deflecting unwanted attention and criticism, but grabbing any positive attention. And she lived in the certain knowledge that her mother was always there for her.</p><p>Then about ten years later, my friend (who by this time was back in the workforce full time) met a lovely man. Her daughter also liked this man very much - he had been a favourite Middle School teacher. But when romance developed - oh no, not acceptable at all. She was furious with her mother. "How dare you have a boyfriend! You're not allowed to have a boyfriend until I'm grown up and have left home!" [I'm not kidding - this fifteen-yar-old really did say that]</p><p>Her mother's response was, "If I can't have a boyfriend, then neither can you." Perhaps not the most mature response, but it worked better than anything else.</p><p></p><p>That relationship foundered, but not because of the daughter, who did slowly come round to the idea - he WAS her favourite former teacher, after all - but because this wonderful man was also very unstable and could not allow himself to be happy. Unfortunately, my friend gave her daughter credit for somehow recognising that the relationship was doomed. She painted her daughter as a model of perception, for being able to recognise that this man would not be ideal boyfriend material for her mother. Of course this is wrong - the daughter was objecting, because her mother's loyalties were now divided. Daughter was now obviously no longer the centre of her mother's universe. She had to share her mother, and had no intention of doing so without a very loud fight.</p><p></p><p>These days - now even the mother can reluctantly see that her daughter has big problems. She will be 30 in a few weeks' time and has never seen the therapists she so desperately needs. It took another five years before my friend met another man she liked, but she now has a boyfriend who her daughter accepts. </p><p></p><p>For my friend the boyfriend problem was purely one of "I've had enough to deal with lately, I need your undivided attention and loyalty, I refuse to share you with anyone."</p><p>Plus, there have been underlying problems which may have been the result of her father's abuse; may have been the result of the split and associated problems; may have simply been hereditary psychiatric disorders now galloping out of control.</p><p></p><p>It would help to know. But most of all, it would help to get help. I wish my friend had got help for her daughter, while she was still young enough to be made to see a psychiatrist. Too late for her now. Not too late for your daughter.</p><p></p><p>Be prepared to consider that it's not your fault; that maybe your daughter is just being a selfish little git. Hey, it's normal. it's what kids do. But also be prepared to consider that she may need expert, independent counselling to get her over this hump.</p><p></p><p>Good luck with it all and keep us posted on how you get on.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 111188, member: 1991"] There can be other reasons for a child rejecting a boyfriend. And as GOSOX told us, the problems with her daughter began before the boyfriend was on the scene. BBK, you've come close to this other reason in your descriptions. When a marriage breaks up, the children's world gets changed drastically. For our children, the world revolves around them. The sun rises FOR THEM in the morning, breakfast magically appears on the table, there is always dinner ready and snacks available too, unless a parent is being wilfully controlling and refusing the child access to the snacks of her choice. But in general - children grow up taking us and the stability of their environment for granted. And like it or not, it is mothers who are seen by most children as the providers of their needs. Sorry, fellas. And now YOU'VE left. Naughty mummy. Everything was fine (according to her - she can conveniently forget, or self-censor, the arguing; or tell herself it wasn't THAT bad). She is expressing her anger with you at causing the upheaval in her world. And still - she expects everything to revolve around her, and getting HER needs met. She requires/demands your undivided attention. You work three jobs - so when are you available for her? Are you still putting breakfast on the table? Still maintaining the old familiar family routines? Or does your new situation make other life changes necessary? I would also be seriously thinking and cataloguing ALL the changes in her life since the split. Stop thinking it's all your fault - you see far less of her now, there are many other influences in her life. What are they? What has been happening elsewhere? My best friend split with her husband before I ever met her. He was physically and emotionally abusive; she also suspects he was sexually abusing both children. At the time of the separation (he left her for the woman next door, would you believe) her son was 2, her daughter was 5. Both had witnessed the beatings. After the beatings, he would want sex. One sick dude. She raised the kids on her own. He had access but didn't fight too hard when the kids refused to visit (especially the daughter) and when he moved interstate the visits stopped almost completely. She raised the kids herself, but tried to be a friend to them, especially her daughter. And the girl was a big handful. Tantrums galore. An expert in deflecting unwanted attention and criticism, but grabbing any positive attention. And she lived in the certain knowledge that her mother was always there for her. Then about ten years later, my friend (who by this time was back in the workforce full time) met a lovely man. Her daughter also liked this man very much - he had been a favourite Middle School teacher. But when romance developed - oh no, not acceptable at all. She was furious with her mother. "How dare you have a boyfriend! You're not allowed to have a boyfriend until I'm grown up and have left home!" [I'm not kidding - this fifteen-yar-old really did say that] Her mother's response was, "If I can't have a boyfriend, then neither can you." Perhaps not the most mature response, but it worked better than anything else. That relationship foundered, but not because of the daughter, who did slowly come round to the idea - he WAS her favourite former teacher, after all - but because this wonderful man was also very unstable and could not allow himself to be happy. Unfortunately, my friend gave her daughter credit for somehow recognising that the relationship was doomed. She painted her daughter as a model of perception, for being able to recognise that this man would not be ideal boyfriend material for her mother. Of course this is wrong - the daughter was objecting, because her mother's loyalties were now divided. Daughter was now obviously no longer the centre of her mother's universe. She had to share her mother, and had no intention of doing so without a very loud fight. These days - now even the mother can reluctantly see that her daughter has big problems. She will be 30 in a few weeks' time and has never seen the therapists she so desperately needs. It took another five years before my friend met another man she liked, but she now has a boyfriend who her daughter accepts. For my friend the boyfriend problem was purely one of "I've had enough to deal with lately, I need your undivided attention and loyalty, I refuse to share you with anyone." Plus, there have been underlying problems which may have been the result of her father's abuse; may have been the result of the split and associated problems; may have simply been hereditary psychiatric disorders now galloping out of control. It would help to know. But most of all, it would help to get help. I wish my friend had got help for her daughter, while she was still young enough to be made to see a psychiatrist. Too late for her now. Not too late for your daughter. Be prepared to consider that it's not your fault; that maybe your daughter is just being a selfish little git. Hey, it's normal. it's what kids do. But also be prepared to consider that she may need expert, independent counselling to get her over this hump. Good luck with it all and keep us posted on how you get on. Marg [/QUOTE]
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