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8 year old hates me and my new life, boyfriend etc
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<blockquote data-quote="SRL" data-source="post: 111836" data-attributes="member: 701"><p>I've been following this thread because in many ways I grew up in your daughter's shoes. Parents had a lousy marriage. Mom was miserable and sought divorce. For us kids that translated into some problems being better (less fighting between parents to witness) but it also made a whole lot of things worse: mom went from stay at home to huge financial problems forcing her to work long hours and sometimes two jobs but still just barely having enough to live on, various babysitting arrangements, weekend visits to the other parent, both parents jumping into relationships quickly after the divorce, moved from a farm house with property to an apartment...and in my own case my mother's exhaustion and mental health issues resulted in some very bad treatment of us kids. I was an A/B student, easy child kid, independent, strong-willed, never got in trouble in school,...and at home I gradually started flying some difficult child flags, culminating in all heck breaking loose when my mom started seeing someone seriously and moved him into our house. My rebellion didn't take the form of non-compliance, getting in trouble at school, etc. I had a sharp wit and tongue and knew precisely where to direct it to do the most damage, plus I realized I was very effective at power struggle and it wasn't long before I had my brothers listening to me over my mom.</p><p></p><p>Neurologically there was nothing amiss with me. What was "wrong" was that my once stable (albeit not ultra happy) life had become incredibly unstable and everything and everyone that was familiar was gone. To me what was wrong was that my mom basically traded in one set of problems for another set that was just as bad and eventually worse. I had no control over anything that was happening. I started fighting against anyone that was involved in removing the original stability or threatening it even more (both parents and SO's). While anger of that nature is very damaging to relationships I do believe it can serve a very useful purpose in effectively building a wall to help protect the individual from further hurt. </p><p></p><p>If my mom were to write her side of the story the same events would be interpreted from her viewpoint-her unhappiness in marriage and desire to get out of the house of a controlling spouse, her desire to build a better life, her frustration over the economic situation (70's recession) and inability to do anything beyond just getting the bills paid and food on the table and even that was challenging, her resentment at us kids because we stood in the way of her finding and/or maintaining a relationship. </p><p></p><p>I don't mean this in any way to be judgemental, but the reality is that divorce turns a child's world upside down and knowing what we went through, it's always far more surprising when kids accept it easily and adjust well. My mother's dreams to build a happier life for herself and us kids were all normal, healthy desires. Likewise my desire to have my life stable again and resentment towards those individuals who had torn it apart were normal. My mother and I represented colliding viewpoints of the very same situation. It's taken me years as an adult to see my parent's sides more clearly and to come to the point of understanding I'll never be able to see it as they did through their own eyes. Time was the only help for me: now that I'm an adult, a parent, a wife in a challenging marriage, and know what it takes to put food on the table and a roof over, I can see more what she went through but as a child all I was interested in was my own upheaval and hurt and how unfair it all seemed. My two brothers handled it differently than I did--one complacent, the other mostly shut down and didn't have super close bonds with either parent.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Just a thought here-sometimes a child rejects a boyfriend because they're sensing something the parent isn't seeing. In my mother's case, SO#1 just happened to neglect mentioning he was still married when he moved into our house with his very young children. SO#2 was a generous man and encouraged my mom to quit work to rest up from her year's of hard work and exhaustion--an admirable gesture...had he not gone on a drinking binge a year later during which time they had to use all the money she'd withdrawn from her retirement account to live on. I don't mean to insinuate that your SO is either of these, but I always think it's worth at least hearing a child out because sometimes they have insight we don't.</p><p></p><p>Gosox, again I don't mean to be judgmental--I'm just sharing my experiences with you because I recognized some of my reactions in your daughter. I know you're working hard to make a living and working hard at parenting. I feel for you because I know what kind of great upheaval this whole set of circumstances brought into our home when we were going through it. You mentioned seeing a parent educator to help you through this but is your daughter seeing a therapist to help her through *her* own issues? We did a brief stint in family counseling but the focus was to get the family functioning again and came much too late. I've wondered if if it might have been more effective if some focus had been on us kids and helping us to heal and cope first, and only later on our behaviors/interaction and how they impacted the family.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="SRL, post: 111836, member: 701"] I've been following this thread because in many ways I grew up in your daughter's shoes. Parents had a lousy marriage. Mom was miserable and sought divorce. For us kids that translated into some problems being better (less fighting between parents to witness) but it also made a whole lot of things worse: mom went from stay at home to huge financial problems forcing her to work long hours and sometimes two jobs but still just barely having enough to live on, various babysitting arrangements, weekend visits to the other parent, both parents jumping into relationships quickly after the divorce, moved from a farm house with property to an apartment...and in my own case my mother's exhaustion and mental health issues resulted in some very bad treatment of us kids. I was an A/B student, easy child kid, independent, strong-willed, never got in trouble in school,...and at home I gradually started flying some difficult child flags, culminating in all heck breaking loose when my mom started seeing someone seriously and moved him into our house. My rebellion didn't take the form of non-compliance, getting in trouble at school, etc. I had a sharp wit and tongue and knew precisely where to direct it to do the most damage, plus I realized I was very effective at power struggle and it wasn't long before I had my brothers listening to me over my mom. Neurologically there was nothing amiss with me. What was "wrong" was that my once stable (albeit not ultra happy) life had become incredibly unstable and everything and everyone that was familiar was gone. To me what was wrong was that my mom basically traded in one set of problems for another set that was just as bad and eventually worse. I had no control over anything that was happening. I started fighting against anyone that was involved in removing the original stability or threatening it even more (both parents and SO's). While anger of that nature is very damaging to relationships I do believe it can serve a very useful purpose in effectively building a wall to help protect the individual from further hurt. If my mom were to write her side of the story the same events would be interpreted from her viewpoint-her unhappiness in marriage and desire to get out of the house of a controlling spouse, her desire to build a better life, her frustration over the economic situation (70's recession) and inability to do anything beyond just getting the bills paid and food on the table and even that was challenging, her resentment at us kids because we stood in the way of her finding and/or maintaining a relationship. I don't mean this in any way to be judgemental, but the reality is that divorce turns a child's world upside down and knowing what we went through, it's always far more surprising when kids accept it easily and adjust well. My mother's dreams to build a happier life for herself and us kids were all normal, healthy desires. Likewise my desire to have my life stable again and resentment towards those individuals who had torn it apart were normal. My mother and I represented colliding viewpoints of the very same situation. It's taken me years as an adult to see my parent's sides more clearly and to come to the point of understanding I'll never be able to see it as they did through their own eyes. Time was the only help for me: now that I'm an adult, a parent, a wife in a challenging marriage, and know what it takes to put food on the table and a roof over, I can see more what she went through but as a child all I was interested in was my own upheaval and hurt and how unfair it all seemed. My two brothers handled it differently than I did--one complacent, the other mostly shut down and didn't have super close bonds with either parent. Just a thought here-sometimes a child rejects a boyfriend because they're sensing something the parent isn't seeing. In my mother's case, SO#1 just happened to neglect mentioning he was still married when he moved into our house with his very young children. SO#2 was a generous man and encouraged my mom to quit work to rest up from her year's of hard work and exhaustion--an admirable gesture...had he not gone on a drinking binge a year later during which time they had to use all the money she'd withdrawn from her retirement account to live on. I don't mean to insinuate that your SO is either of these, but I always think it's worth at least hearing a child out because sometimes they have insight we don't. Gosox, again I don't mean to be judgmental--I'm just sharing my experiences with you because I recognized some of my reactions in your daughter. I know you're working hard to make a living and working hard at parenting. I feel for you because I know what kind of great upheaval this whole set of circumstances brought into our home when we were going through it. You mentioned seeing a parent educator to help you through this but is your daughter seeing a therapist to help her through *her* own issues? We did a brief stint in family counseling but the focus was to get the family functioning again and came much too late. I've wondered if if it might have been more effective if some focus had been on us kids and helping us to heal and cope first, and only later on our behaviors/interaction and how they impacted the family. 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