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General Parenting
9 yr old Oppositional Defiance Disorder with PTSD
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<blockquote data-quote="meowbunny" data-source="post: 77757" data-attributes="member: 3626"><p>Honestly, I hope you've thought this through long and hard. Adopting a child out of infancy is risky. Adopting a child over 3 is even riskier. Even the lucky ones have a lot of emotional baggage. Not only do you have the genetic risks of bipolar, ADHD, etc. being higher than the norm, you have the behaviorial diagnoses -- ODD, CD, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). The statistics for failed adoptions of older children is phenomenly high. That being said, the rewards can be enormous.</p><p></p><p>Whatever you do, make sure you get the most complete history possible. Make sure you have as good of a diagnosis (and prognosis) as possible. You need both to make an informed decision. Adoption agencies are notorious for hiding as much as possible. They are even more notorious for leaving you with no resources once an adoption is finalized, especially if it is a state adoption. So, make sure you get everything in writing. Believe me, your son will need every resource available to you.</p><p></p><p>My daughter came to me when she was 3. She was an angry, unhappy little girl who had been severely neglected and abused. I was told about the neglect. The abuse was never mentioned. She raged for hours. She was violent to the point of being dangerous. I was told none of this. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint), I fell in love with her at first sight. Keeping her cost me a good marriage, a relationship with my family, the loss of several friends, a career with a six figure income to working at home with a quarter of my former income and no benefits, my financial future. I regret none of this but you need to be aware this can happen.</p><p></p><p>To me, the biggest problem is not bipolar or ODD or even CD but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (reactive attachment disorder). I was fortunate that my daughter's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was on the mild side. Even so, it required intensive therapy and, ultimately, a 14-month stay at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at a cost of $90,000. If your son has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), be prepared for a very long, hard battle that may well end up in a losing war. Don't think that your love will be enough to overcome the problems. It won't.</p><p></p><p>I don't mean to sound negative but the risks are so high that you need to do this with your eyes very wide open. Thinking and hoping that things will change because he is in a home where he will be loved and cherished is not the way it goes. He will test you non-stop to see if you will stick by him through thick and thin. Once you've passed one test, he will find another one and another one after that. (If you haven't done so, read "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Keck.)</p><p></p><p>There are great rewards in adopting an older child. There is the joy at the little successes. If you're lucky, you'll get a tremendous amount of love from him once he learns to trust you. I wish you the best.</p><p></p><p>I know you asked for help on specific behaviors and got a diatribe from me. Sorry. I've just seen the pain and havoc adopting an older child can do to a family. Worse yet, I've seen the pain the child goes through when the adults go into it blindly and then give up and abandon the child.</p><p></p><p>As to your questions, the simple answer is to quit arguing with him. Simply tell him this is what is expected and walk away. The more you get into it, the more he wins no matter what consequence you come up with. I learned that lesson the hard way. Give him a safe place to have his temper tantrums. If this means you strip his room, then do it. You can keep his "good" stuff in another room that he can access when he is behaving appropriately. If the tantrums are ODD-related, they will quit when they don't have the desired effect. It may take awhile since it is learned behavior that has worked but it can be unlearned. If they are because of something else, it may take medication.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="meowbunny, post: 77757, member: 3626"] Honestly, I hope you've thought this through long and hard. Adopting a child out of infancy is risky. Adopting a child over 3 is even riskier. Even the lucky ones have a lot of emotional baggage. Not only do you have the genetic risks of bipolar, ADHD, etc. being higher than the norm, you have the behaviorial diagnoses -- ODD, CD, Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). The statistics for failed adoptions of older children is phenomenly high. That being said, the rewards can be enormous. Whatever you do, make sure you get the most complete history possible. Make sure you have as good of a diagnosis (and prognosis) as possible. You need both to make an informed decision. Adoption agencies are notorious for hiding as much as possible. They are even more notorious for leaving you with no resources once an adoption is finalized, especially if it is a state adoption. So, make sure you get everything in writing. Believe me, your son will need every resource available to you. My daughter came to me when she was 3. She was an angry, unhappy little girl who had been severely neglected and abused. I was told about the neglect. The abuse was never mentioned. She raged for hours. She was violent to the point of being dangerous. I was told none of this. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your viewpoint), I fell in love with her at first sight. Keeping her cost me a good marriage, a relationship with my family, the loss of several friends, a career with a six figure income to working at home with a quarter of my former income and no benefits, my financial future. I regret none of this but you need to be aware this can happen. To me, the biggest problem is not bipolar or ODD or even CD but Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) (reactive attachment disorder). I was fortunate that my daughter's Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) was on the mild side. Even so, it required intensive therapy and, ultimately, a 14-month stay at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) at a cost of $90,000. If your son has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), be prepared for a very long, hard battle that may well end up in a losing war. Don't think that your love will be enough to overcome the problems. It won't. I don't mean to sound negative but the risks are so high that you need to do this with your eyes very wide open. Thinking and hoping that things will change because he is in a home where he will be loved and cherished is not the way it goes. He will test you non-stop to see if you will stick by him through thick and thin. Once you've passed one test, he will find another one and another one after that. (If you haven't done so, read "Adopting the Hurt Child" by Keck.) There are great rewards in adopting an older child. There is the joy at the little successes. If you're lucky, you'll get a tremendous amount of love from him once he learns to trust you. I wish you the best. I know you asked for help on specific behaviors and got a diatribe from me. Sorry. I've just seen the pain and havoc adopting an older child can do to a family. Worse yet, I've seen the pain the child goes through when the adults go into it blindly and then give up and abandon the child. As to your questions, the simple answer is to quit arguing with him. Simply tell him this is what is expected and walk away. The more you get into it, the more he wins no matter what consequence you come up with. I learned that lesson the hard way. Give him a safe place to have his temper tantrums. If this means you strip his room, then do it. You can keep his "good" stuff in another room that he can access when he is behaving appropriately. If the tantrums are ODD-related, they will quit when they don't have the desired effect. It may take awhile since it is learned behavior that has worked but it can be unlearned. If they are because of something else, it may take medication. [/QUOTE]
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