A big loud momma VENT!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by everywoman, Jan 28, 2008.

  1. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am beyond livid with pcdaughter. She had decided in November to enter the military. First, she looked at the guard. Then she changed to the Navy. She did tons of research. We had numerous conversations about our concerns. Had her mind made up. We (husband and I) came to terms with her choice, became excited for her.

    Then....loser ex-boyfriend, a guy that husband and I both loathe, a guy that she moved to another town to be near and then left and returned home because he was so controlling and mean, a guy that she changed her phone number to avoid having to communicate with, come back into the picture...and POOF...there goes all her plans..."But mom, it's not because of him."

    She didn't register for school this term because of her decision to join the navy. She works for an insurance company 20 hours a week. We provide her a car, insurance, an apt. She pays her cell phone, groceries, light bill. I have told as of Feb. 1, she is on her own. If she wants to be an adult, she needs to act like one and she will be financially responsible for all of her needs. Am I wrong?

    She and I have not spoken since Thursday when she told me to stay out of her life for good....It's killing me....I'm sure it's killing her as well, as we were so close. In fact, that is why she admitted she was seeing him again because she can't stand to keep secrets between us.....Ugh! I hate this! It's so easy to detach from difficult child, I have dealt with his drama for years. She has, for the most part, been a joy!

    This is killing me.
  2. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow. Ouch.

    I guess I'd let the dust settle a little and give her a call.

    Ask her what her plans are now that she's not going to the military. See if she has a plan at all. If she does not, explain your concerns and that if this guy is "the guy", that he'll be here when she gets back from the military. Explain that you can't continue to support her if she's going to be wishy-washy, that you love her, you don't want to be out forever (its so hard not to think in terms of dealing with a difficult child on this! wow) but kinda leave the ball in her court.

    Unless she's got some sort of well-thought-out plan, tho, to deal with this change in agenda, I don't think you're wrong at all. If she wants to play in the big leagues, let her play. But I would suggest opening to door so she knows your there when she falls (and she'll probably fall). I guess, of course, if that's something you're willing to do is help her back up...

    Hugs. Sorry this is happening.
  3. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Time has a great way of healing. During that time, I'd cut her off and let her lead the adult life she is wanting. Some hard times helps you to realize what you had. Hugs, and wishes.

  4. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Hi EW. I'm new to PE, but I've been hanging out (maybe "infamous? :devil2:) over in TaSA.

    I can sympathize with your "be an adult - act like an adult" stance, and can only imagine how much it must hurt you. We, well, "I", am starting to get to the same point with my own son.

    I haven't been able to emancipate us, er, him - yet, but if he keeps his jive turkey act going, it won't be long before wife backs me up and he walks. It will be hard, and it will hurt. But at this point in his life, I can't do anything for him that he doesn't want done, and I can't do for him what he won't do for himself.

    Seems you've reached that point with your own daughter as well. And if she's NOT your difficult child, it must be like a bolt out of the blue when you weren't looking. Yikes! :wornout:

    Like your daughter, It's time for McWeedy to meet the "real world". And it scares me. But I'm more scared of him growing up into a thirty-something pothead with no real life. Beyond that, we've had some family scares in the last few months that got me to thinking what would happen to the WeedWhacker if he suddenly lost both me and his mom.

    Open sea, no life preserver, bad storm, fallen overboard, you get the picture.

    I'd rather see him on his own and struggling - and maybe learning - while I can still help him when he finally, truly, wants it. If I had my way, I'd invite him to start living his dream life of freedom from us tomorrow. I'd be sick to my stomach - but I'd never let him know. All kids are different, but any sign of weakness on our part is an invitation to McW to sneak in and twist our emotions until he tortures one or the both of us into giving in. So I wouldn't give him the chance. If he knew it hurt us, he'd just wait us out, and maybe throw in a little "living in squalor" just to make it worse for us before we caved.

    But that's just me. And us.

    I can't in good faith offer any advice, since I'm still trying to go where you have already gone. But I hope that when that day comes, I can keep my wits about me, realize that I have a life, too, and that it's worth living. And that the greatest gift I can give McWeedy is the gift of learning his lessons the hard way. I didn't do that earlier in his life, and now we're both paying for it.

    If that time comes, I'll let him go and find his way, with only the thinnest dental-floss of a lifeline back home, preferrably tied to his ankle where he doesn't know it's there.

    And it will hurt. I know that, so I can only imagine that you are hurting now. But, as the resident armchair quarterback, I think you're doing the right thing. Take heart in the fact that you cannot teach her what she will not learn from you, but you can provide her the chance to learn what's important (even if she doesn't want to). Let her know you love her, and will support any good decisions she makes, but will let her reap the benefits/consequences of choices you don't agree with. And accept that this is not only good for her, but is also good for you.

    Sorry if I sound "preachy", but I offer what little I have with an open heart. I hope and pray that you find some peace and solice in the decisions you've made.

  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    EW....girls seem to notorious savers of the underdogs. They somehow easily forget why they gave up loser boy when he comes crawling back out from under whatever rock he emerged from. I second the thought to tell her that if he all that and a bag of chips he will be thrilled to wait for his woman in uniform to go through basic training and even more thrilled to be with a member of the armed services! What glory that will give him with his buddies...lol. By the time she gets all that done loser boy will be headed on to greener pastures I am sure.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Give her time to cool off. And time to remember just why she left boyfriend in the dust the last time. (it'll take less time this time around)

    Cutting her off finanacially was a wise move. Time to grow up. Stick to it.

    But be sweet when she gets up the courage to call you. Eating crow is no fun. And I have no doubt she'll call, most especially if you're close.

  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Agree with cutting her off. If she can make her own adult choices, then she can live like an adult. Maybe she'll see the light once she sees that it's not all that much fun to be an adult. Or maybe she'll surprise you and become a responsible adult who no longer asks for your monetary support.

    I would certainly be kind to her if she calls, but I wouldn't back down.
  8. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Okay...she is a easy child. She called last night. After our big blow-up she hit her hand on the wall and bruised it badly. husband went with her to the hospital yesterday. After they left she sent me a text. Said she was sorry for upsetting me but thing with loser is not serious...I think she is having doubts about him already. She is still interested in the guard because she will get the training and benefits, but be able to keep her job in insurance. She is going to talk to her boss about more hours because she knows she needs to step up to the plate and take on more adult responsibilites (ie bills). She told me she loved me and had missed me the five days of no contact. Love that girl of mine. She'll be okay!