ScentofCedar
New Member
Oh, Stands! difficult child tumbled at sixteen. One day he was fine and the next (so it seems now) he was on the skids. Many years later we would learn that he was introduced to cocaine (and the whole new set of friends that go with that sort of thing) at the Chinese restaurant where he worked when he was sixteen. It was a downhill battle from that point. Like so many parents, we believed that what we were seeing was the result of poor parenting ~ and that the drug use we were pretty sure was going on was a symptom of emotional pain.
We tried harder.
difficult child, already in the grip of the addiction that would destroy so much of his life, fed right into the "blame the parents" thing ~ but then, that was the belief system prevalent at the time. Unless I am mistaken, poor or neglectful parenting is still thought to be at the heart of a child's drug use.
I think that is the most harmful way to look at a child's addiction. Just when we needed to be most strong in our belief that we knew how to parent, just when we needed to be able to stand up and face what was happening to our son, we were led instead to examine our shortcomings as parents.
No family functions perfectly. Ours is no exception.
But when the problem is drug use, haranguing the parents (probably because they are the only ones listening) about parenting technique destroys our confidence in ourselves and our parenting styles when we need it most to save our children.
I wish we had known then to believe that what we were seeing ~ drug use which we suspected but labeled recreational ~ was the source of the problem. As it was, we tried to be "better" parents than we had been.
It would have made all the difference in the world if the professionals we saw had given us the tools I was later to learn on this Board.
When I first came here Stands, I was so deeply into denial about the drug piece that I only mentioned it incidentally. It was Sunny Florida who confronted me about that. I will never forget what it felt like to begin looking at everything that had happened to us in the light she shed on the source of the problem in her response to me.
Not that I believed it at first.
It took me a really long time to recover from the "professional" interpretation as to why our son had changed and what we might do about that.
The thing we know now is that unless the professional can tell you specifically what it is you are doing wrong and offer you an alternative set of parenting practices, that generic "he (or she) is using drugs as a way of coping with emotional pain" is a bunch of hooey.
Very expensive hooey, dispensed by people in well-lit offices with letters after their names, but hooey nonetheless.
Kids try drugs because they are something fun and different. There is some research which indicates that the potential for addiction is carried in the genes. Perhaps this explains why some of our children fall into addiction while some play around with drug use and go on with their lives.
I don't know about that.
What I do know is that my child was caught, and disappeared. Once that happened, I was no longer parenting my son.
I was parenting an addict ~ and boy, that requires a whole different set of parenting skills.
Addiction is a physical process which strips us of our dignity, integrity, and ambition. Our lives become a terrible circle of drug use and of getting the money to get more drugs. Our families are destroyed, our lives and potential are destroyed, and our societies lose all that the addicted person might have contributed. When we have a child in trouble and there is drug use involved, then it is the drug use, and not the parenting process, that needs to be examined and dealt with.
Whew.
I feel so strongly about this, and am still so angry at the time that was wasted and will never be recovered.
But Stands? If difficult child is in recovery...this is his second or third time.
That I know of.
There have been other times, before I knew it was addiction he was coping with.
No one WANTS to be an addict.
They are trapped in their addictions ~kidnapped by the drugs they use.
If difficult child makes it this time, it won't be because of anything I did ~ though talking to him as I have been able to talk to him, once I finally got it, probably helped him more than the "I'm so sorry this is happening to you and it's all my fault" line husband and I used to believe.
I am no stronger than you, Stands. There isn't any secret the rest of us understand and you aren't getting. Though it is easy to forget, every one of us was where you are now ~ confused, feeling guilty and hopeless and oh, so bone tired.
So many of us, here on the Board, recommended that I place myself on anti-depressants.
And they were right, Stands ~ I was depressed.
I chose not to use the pills because I could see full well WHY I was depressed.
Using the tools the others gave me, I was able to begin thinking clearly again and now, I am better.
You will get through this too, Stands.
I always wondered how long it would take me, when one of the others of us would tell me I would make it through to the other side.
It took me three years, I would say. Learning and accepting the true nature of the problem, wallowing in guilt and regret a little longer ~ just to be sure I hadn't missed anything, I suppose!
And then, one day Stands, I became so angry.
But not with myself, this time.
I became angry with difficult child for what he had done ~ to himself, and to all of us.
When that happens for you Stands, that is when you will know you are healing and will be strong, and yourself again, soon.
And like always, we will all be here when that happens.
And we will get you through that part, too.
That's why they call us warrior moms, Stands ~ we have had to fight to get to where we are, or to get our children to where they are.
Barbara
P.S. Too bad my logo thing doesn't work! I would put a warrior mom in here.
We tried harder.
difficult child, already in the grip of the addiction that would destroy so much of his life, fed right into the "blame the parents" thing ~ but then, that was the belief system prevalent at the time. Unless I am mistaken, poor or neglectful parenting is still thought to be at the heart of a child's drug use.
I think that is the most harmful way to look at a child's addiction. Just when we needed to be most strong in our belief that we knew how to parent, just when we needed to be able to stand up and face what was happening to our son, we were led instead to examine our shortcomings as parents.
No family functions perfectly. Ours is no exception.
But when the problem is drug use, haranguing the parents (probably because they are the only ones listening) about parenting technique destroys our confidence in ourselves and our parenting styles when we need it most to save our children.
I wish we had known then to believe that what we were seeing ~ drug use which we suspected but labeled recreational ~ was the source of the problem. As it was, we tried to be "better" parents than we had been.
It would have made all the difference in the world if the professionals we saw had given us the tools I was later to learn on this Board.
When I first came here Stands, I was so deeply into denial about the drug piece that I only mentioned it incidentally. It was Sunny Florida who confronted me about that. I will never forget what it felt like to begin looking at everything that had happened to us in the light she shed on the source of the problem in her response to me.
Not that I believed it at first.
It took me a really long time to recover from the "professional" interpretation as to why our son had changed and what we might do about that.
The thing we know now is that unless the professional can tell you specifically what it is you are doing wrong and offer you an alternative set of parenting practices, that generic "he (or she) is using drugs as a way of coping with emotional pain" is a bunch of hooey.
Very expensive hooey, dispensed by people in well-lit offices with letters after their names, but hooey nonetheless.
Kids try drugs because they are something fun and different. There is some research which indicates that the potential for addiction is carried in the genes. Perhaps this explains why some of our children fall into addiction while some play around with drug use and go on with their lives.
I don't know about that.
What I do know is that my child was caught, and disappeared. Once that happened, I was no longer parenting my son.
I was parenting an addict ~ and boy, that requires a whole different set of parenting skills.
Addiction is a physical process which strips us of our dignity, integrity, and ambition. Our lives become a terrible circle of drug use and of getting the money to get more drugs. Our families are destroyed, our lives and potential are destroyed, and our societies lose all that the addicted person might have contributed. When we have a child in trouble and there is drug use involved, then it is the drug use, and not the parenting process, that needs to be examined and dealt with.
Whew.
I feel so strongly about this, and am still so angry at the time that was wasted and will never be recovered.
But Stands? If difficult child is in recovery...this is his second or third time.
That I know of.
There have been other times, before I knew it was addiction he was coping with.
No one WANTS to be an addict.
They are trapped in their addictions ~kidnapped by the drugs they use.
If difficult child makes it this time, it won't be because of anything I did ~ though talking to him as I have been able to talk to him, once I finally got it, probably helped him more than the "I'm so sorry this is happening to you and it's all my fault" line husband and I used to believe.
I am no stronger than you, Stands. There isn't any secret the rest of us understand and you aren't getting. Though it is easy to forget, every one of us was where you are now ~ confused, feeling guilty and hopeless and oh, so bone tired.
So many of us, here on the Board, recommended that I place myself on anti-depressants.
And they were right, Stands ~ I was depressed.
I chose not to use the pills because I could see full well WHY I was depressed.
Using the tools the others gave me, I was able to begin thinking clearly again and now, I am better.
You will get through this too, Stands.
I always wondered how long it would take me, when one of the others of us would tell me I would make it through to the other side.
It took me three years, I would say. Learning and accepting the true nature of the problem, wallowing in guilt and regret a little longer ~ just to be sure I hadn't missed anything, I suppose!
And then, one day Stands, I became so angry.
But not with myself, this time.
I became angry with difficult child for what he had done ~ to himself, and to all of us.
When that happens for you Stands, that is when you will know you are healing and will be strong, and yourself again, soon.
And like always, we will all be here when that happens.
And we will get you through that part, too.
That's why they call us warrior moms, Stands ~ we have had to fight to get to where we are, or to get our children to where they are.
Barbara
P.S. Too bad my logo thing doesn't work! I would put a warrior mom in here.
