A Change

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Sep 16, 2015.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I spoke to my son in person for the first time yesterday. He was happy. For the first time since he was 8 years old he was happy.

    He is not homeless. He has a job. He is part of a family. He was clear in speech and thought.

    My son has always felt cheated that he did not have "real" brothers and sisters and that he did not fit in.
    His sister and brother were grown and out of the house when he was born. He is bi-racial and felt out of place.

    I truly believe that all things happen for a reason. When I kicked him out of the house he went to the other side of town. He ran into his half brother who also shares his racial make-up and is 9 months older than my son. I had tried to find him for years. Funny how things happen exactly like they are supposed to. They are sharing an apartment and he has connected with his uncles and other cousins.

    I have some reservations about this side of his family, but then again what do I know. He says for the first time in his life he feels connected and like he belongs. It was amazing to see him so relaxed and centered.

    I don't know if he is telling the truth about the charges being dropped or really anything else. It did not matter. I did not lecture. I took him to the store and bought some groceries. I could do that for him. I wanted to do that for him. He did not ask me for anything. It felt good to do this small thing for him. I could hug him and tell him that I loved him without the but in my voice.

    I finally understand. It is enough for things to be good just for this moment. That is all we have. I get it. This is his story not mine. I will not write the end of his story. I will love him where he is at. I am so happy for him that he has found where he belongs. I did my job. I taught him all I could. I nurtured him the best I could. I set him free to become who he wants to be. I have never been prouder of him.
     
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  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh Pasajes - I am so happy for you; that you get to have this after all you have been through...and I hope for both your sakes that this is the beginning of a new story for him.
     
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  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    This is a wonderful wonderful post! I am so happy for you!

    It is great to find yourself in this place.

    Now you can add "zen master" to the bottom of your signature! But in all seriousness...this is what we have. Take joy in this moment. Three prayers...help, thanks, and wow. This is a thanks moment, and a wow.

    This is the hardest for me. I sometimes catch it briefly..I see it glimmer. Having you catch it may make me stronger, that much closer...

    Yes. And Yes.

    Happy hugs to you today, Pasa, you and your son and your family and all of us.

    Echo
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so happy to read this Pasa, wow. So often we are all found, in some way or another, looking for where we belong in life, that connection that makes us feel that belonging. It's an important journey. With all the pain your son has gone through, for today, he is in the right place, and you know you were there doing the right thing all along. I'd say this is cause for celebration.......with all my heart, I hope this is the beginning you both want and deserve.

    When my granddaughter was 13, she went to live with her paternal grandmother. I was not happy about it, but her therapist told me that at some point in her life she would have to understand her "roots" that many children need to take that trip in order to really understand who they are and where they belong. She stayed a year and asked to come back. She learned what she needed to learn and came back to live with me. She was changed after that. It was such an important path for her to take. She realized she 'belonged' with me. Your son seems to have realized where he belongs, what a gift for him.....and for you too.
     
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  5. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He told me that while he was locked up and then being held on a mental ward for being caught smoking weed while in the hospital, all he could think of was being free. When I refused to allow him to come home he was devastated, he spent a few days wandering around the other side of town. It finally dawned on him that he had finally gotten what he wanted.....to totally be free from anyone demanding that he follow the rules. He smiled a bit sheepishly at me and said in a very quiet voice, " Mom there are rules on how you survive when you don't have anyplace to go." I couldn't say anything. He wanted me to know that he does not hate me but he also will never fit into my world. It is not something he can put a name to nor does he have the words to describe it. It is more than racial. It is deeper than that. I understood what he meant. I think I have always known that in the very core of my being. The harder I tried to make that not the truth....it just became more true. He rebelled against my attempts in the way that many kids rebel....... I should feel sad, but I don't. I feel a deep sense of love for him as he is.
     
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't think any of us would have envisioned this outcome. Thanks for sharing so much HOPE.
     
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  7. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    He is happy. That is something to be cherished. Tomorrow is tomorrow and things will happen, good and bad, but those moments of happiness and love are what we can keep with us. Maybe we will get more, maybe not. But having just those moments is something on itself.
     
  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This is such a profound truth Pasa, perhaps for many of our kids. My daughter is in that camp too, and as I've accepted her deep desire to be free and to fit where she feels she fits, both of our lives dramatically improved. To accept them and love them where they are, what a remarkable journey.....
     
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Yes! "It is enough for things to be good just for this moment."

    And someday, when he matures, he will understand who YOU are and what you have gone through.
    In the meantime, you are speaking to one another and he seemed clear-headed.
    {{hugs}}
     
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  10. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I am so glad, pasa. Just to love them feels so right, but can be so hard a place to get to.

    Holding you both in my thoughts.

    Isn't that a miraculous thing, that he found his brother just the way that he did.

    Cedar
     
  11. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Oh Pasa, it was so refreshing reading your post. My heart swells with hope because of it.
    What an amazing day you and your son had.
    What an amazing revelation!!

    :group-hug::group-hug::group-hug::group-hug:
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I am so happy for you, Pasa, and for him.
    So, so wonderful.
    So, so great.
    My goodness. How great.
    The best.
    What a glorious victory for you, PASA. What a difference a couple of weeks can make, no? You kept your boundaries firm, you took care of yourself. You got out of the way. He took care of business, in his own way. He triumphed.
    That is so true. I have been keeping my mouth shut about anything to do with my son's illness or treatment.
    '
    Yes.
    And this is what I tell myself.
    Thank you Pasa.
    You did. I am so happy for you that you are seeing this and claiming it as your own. Thank you so much.
    I can imagine. Thank you so much Pasa. Your courage and heart and strength are a model for us all.
     
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Pas I am so glad to read this. My husband always said I would know, immediately, when things had changed with him. By what he said and how he said it and the look in his eyes. That is true and that is what I am hearing in your posts about your son today. This is what you have longed for, hoped for, waited for. We cannot know how and why and when. And it doesn't really matter. What matters is they are reclaiming their lives and it is a beautiful thing to witness. I am so happy for you and for him. Rest in this pas. Like you said, you did your job. Now he is ready to live his own life in his own way on his own journey.
     
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