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A Death in the Family
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 685624" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>I think that we stood up many times, that is why we are here, we differ from our family, or those that abused us. We did not become like them, we left the game. It's that we didn't have the whole picture when we left, but that is different now. We have a better understanding.</p><p></p><p> Rediscovering ourselves, knowing what happened in the past, the truth of it. Working through the layers.</p><p></p><p> I am glad that you had a good relationship with your brother and are at peace with his passing Cedar.</p><p></p><p> Yes, we can. It is a big piece to the puzzle of it, isn't it? Seeing everything through our own eyes.</p><p></p><p> Is it also the rage that was denied as children? I could not feel rage. It got me into trouble. It was not "nice."</p><p>I was so surprised at myself when I felt it out surfing. People would be dangerous and not abide the etiquette of it.</p><p>Like rude, inconsiderate drivers.</p><p>I would stand up for myself out in the ocean. Hubs insisted on it. He said, "If you do not surf aggressively, then people will not respect you and will take advantage of you, claim the wave from the moment you see it and paddle for it, never, ever miss a wave you claim." <em>Okay, hubs never said all of these words together in one sentence, but I am consolidating here.</em></p><p>There is a certain aggression with wave riding mixed all up in the exhilaration and peace of it. We learned the old way, one endeavors to set up into the best position at the peak of the wave. There are surfers who follow no rules and will try to drop in on the wave in front of you, that is a big no-no. I became pretty competitive and clever at thwarting the rule breakers efforts. I was surprised at my aggressiveness, like I had another persona. I had to tone it down a bit, learn how to use it, and not overdo. If I did, I would feel badly about myself. I was not rude, or inappropriate, or selfish, I took a stand for what I worked for. It was proper.</p><p>I feel like this is what you are describing in a way. Rage is a blessing. It is an acknowledgement of injustice. But, it must be maintained. Is there such a thing as steady state rage? Controlled. Righteous indignation.</p><p> It is good imagery, thank you for sharing this Cedar. We live in such a convenient age, with so much available at our fingertips. I am thankful for your words woven with these images. I love being able to make use of videos.</p><p> You know Cedar, I think Dad was in review of his life for a very long time. I never knew my grandparents, they passed before I was born. So, I do not know the dynamic of his FOO. He was an interesting, complex man. I think he was very sensitive and built a wall up around that. He went inside of himself for a long time. It does not surprise me that he was deep in thought upon his deathbed. <em>What surprised me was his sorrow and concentration on his mistakes. </em></p><p>I think that was part of the whole process. Maybe also why he took a long time to pass, even while his body started to break down.</p><p>Are any of us ready to meet our maker when the time comes? Will we feel like there is so much left to be done, or will we be at peace?</p><p> Cedar, you have always been there for me through this. I have learned much from you, I do so appreciate the time you took to walk through my memories and thoughts with me.</p><p> I do believe so, like fire cleanses the soil. Controlled burning. Some seeds, such as sequoia, remain dormant until fire breaks down the seed coating.</p><p>You are growing into a strong upright tree, Cedar.</p><p>I know, me too. It is good to have witnesses.</p><p>Dancing, how lovely. I see barre work as intense stretching and preparing the body for dance. (I have never done barre work.)</p><p>I took hula with my girls for awhile. We did warm ups before practicing the songs. Hula basics, different steps and stretches. It developed into a routine, but learning the names of the steps and executing them properly took time before it could be done without <em>overthinking</em> about it. We would work up quite a sweat.</p><p>It must be nice to be moving your body through the routine again. The simple basics, it is the foundation.</p><p></p><p> There is a certain power to rage. The fire within welling up. There is also a power to managing it.</p><p> I think that is a very simplified way to look at it. I was thinking about it this morning. It is different to have lived through such a thing as a young child, then review it as an adult. What is the win for them, or for anyone who does what they want to do, regardless of the effects on others? It is all pretty complex, but all so simple at the same time. They just do what they want to do. Not "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The golden rule is not followed by everyone.</p><p>They just do what they want to do.</p><p>Volumes and volumes of books could be written about the whys and why nots, but it all boils down to that. People doing what they want to do.</p><p></p><p> That is their shame, they may not own up to it, but it is theirs.</p><p>But I do not want to go there, it is too much. I cant change the way things were, or even the way things are now, just my reaction to it. I don't know how I will feel if one of my sibs passes, or mom. I would expect to be running the tapes again, sent reeling back with so many memories. I feel somewhat at peace with it now, but don't know what will wash over me with the finality of losing a loved one within my FOO.</p><p>I hope to keep working at building myself up to meet whatever comes with more understanding and grace.</p><p>Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts, Cedar. I do not know if there is any way to prepare for such a thing as loss of a sib coupled with traumatic memories of the past. I am glad that you are at peace.</p><p>(((Hugs)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 685624, member: 19522"] I think that we stood up many times, that is why we are here, we differ from our family, or those that abused us. We did not become like them, we left the game. It's that we didn't have the whole picture when we left, but that is different now. We have a better understanding. Rediscovering ourselves, knowing what happened in the past, the truth of it. Working through the layers. I am glad that you had a good relationship with your brother and are at peace with his passing Cedar. Yes, we can. It is a big piece to the puzzle of it, isn't it? Seeing everything through our own eyes. Is it also the rage that was denied as children? I could not feel rage. It got me into trouble. It was not "nice." I was so surprised at myself when I felt it out surfing. People would be dangerous and not abide the etiquette of it. Like rude, inconsiderate drivers. I would stand up for myself out in the ocean. Hubs insisted on it. He said, "If you do not surf aggressively, then people will not respect you and will take advantage of you, claim the wave from the moment you see it and paddle for it, never, ever miss a wave you claim." [I]Okay, hubs never said all of these words together in one sentence, but I am consolidating here.[/I] There is a certain aggression with wave riding mixed all up in the exhilaration and peace of it. We learned the old way, one endeavors to set up into the best position at the peak of the wave. There are surfers who follow no rules and will try to drop in on the wave in front of you, that is a big no-no. I became pretty competitive and clever at thwarting the rule breakers efforts. I was surprised at my aggressiveness, like I had another persona. I had to tone it down a bit, learn how to use it, and not overdo. If I did, I would feel badly about myself. I was not rude, or inappropriate, or selfish, I took a stand for what I worked for. It was proper. I feel like this is what you are describing in a way. Rage is a blessing. It is an acknowledgement of injustice. But, it must be maintained. Is there such a thing as steady state rage? Controlled. Righteous indignation. It is good imagery, thank you for sharing this Cedar. We live in such a convenient age, with so much available at our fingertips. I am thankful for your words woven with these images. I love being able to make use of videos. You know Cedar, I think Dad was in review of his life for a very long time. I never knew my grandparents, they passed before I was born. So, I do not know the dynamic of his FOO. He was an interesting, complex man. I think he was very sensitive and built a wall up around that. He went inside of himself for a long time. It does not surprise me that he was deep in thought upon his deathbed. [I]What surprised me was his sorrow and concentration on his mistakes. [/I] I think that was part of the whole process. Maybe also why he took a long time to pass, even while his body started to break down. Are any of us ready to meet our maker when the time comes? Will we feel like there is so much left to be done, or will we be at peace? Cedar, you have always been there for me through this. I have learned much from you, I do so appreciate the time you took to walk through my memories and thoughts with me. I do believe so, like fire cleanses the soil. Controlled burning. Some seeds, such as sequoia, remain dormant until fire breaks down the seed coating. You are growing into a strong upright tree, Cedar. I know, me too. It is good to have witnesses. Dancing, how lovely. I see barre work as intense stretching and preparing the body for dance. (I have never done barre work.) I took hula with my girls for awhile. We did warm ups before practicing the songs. Hula basics, different steps and stretches. It developed into a routine, but learning the names of the steps and executing them properly took time before it could be done without [I]overthinking[/I] about it. We would work up quite a sweat. It must be nice to be moving your body through the routine again. The simple basics, it is the foundation. There is a certain power to rage. The fire within welling up. There is also a power to managing it. I think that is a very simplified way to look at it. I was thinking about it this morning. It is different to have lived through such a thing as a young child, then review it as an adult. What is the win for them, or for anyone who does what they want to do, regardless of the effects on others? It is all pretty complex, but all so simple at the same time. They just do what they want to do. Not "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." The golden rule is not followed by everyone. They just do what they want to do. Volumes and volumes of books could be written about the whys and why nots, but it all boils down to that. People doing what they want to do. That is their shame, they may not own up to it, but it is theirs. But I do not want to go there, it is too much. I cant change the way things were, or even the way things are now, just my reaction to it. I don't know how I will feel if one of my sibs passes, or mom. I would expect to be running the tapes again, sent reeling back with so many memories. I feel somewhat at peace with it now, but don't know what will wash over me with the finality of losing a loved one within my FOO. I hope to keep working at building myself up to meet whatever comes with more understanding and grace. Thank you for sharing your inner most thoughts, Cedar. I do not know if there is any way to prepare for such a thing as loss of a sib coupled with traumatic memories of the past. I am glad that you are at peace. (((Hugs))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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