A Decent UPDATE

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by pasajes4, Oct 24, 2014.

  1. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    When difficult child first arrived at his juvenile facility, he was having all of his food taken by other inmates. A complaint was filed and as a result the individuals involved and two of the staff that allowed to happen were under investigation. These individuals then began an outright campaign of retaliation. difficult child was assaulted in his "room" by one of the boys involved while one staff member looked on. difficult child lost a tooth due to the assault. This just stabbed me in my mommy heart.

    The investigation was finally closed this month (after 5 months) finding the individuals were indeed guilty of doing direct physical injury and with neglect (by the staff) and with conspiracy to cause direct and indirect physical damage to a minor ( he was 17 at the time) .

    How does this impact me? I now have an even angrier kid who feels that this is just more proof that he is the true victim of what caused him to be there in the first place. All of his conversations are now about how I should have lied for him so that he would not have been sent there. Geesh, the blame game is on like Donkey Kong.
     
  2. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    Yep Donkey Kong it is.

    What complete crap. He is the one who did the things that got him put in there. No one else. Him and him alone. I guess everyone could lie for their kids and keep them out of trouble but guess what then you are doing something illegal and you could get put in there.

    Next time he pulls that crap calmly tell him you aren't going to be blamed for his actions anymore. Let him know that if he starts it up you will say goodbye and hang up the phone. Depending on the severity of what is said you may or may not talk to him again for a day or two.

    Those are conversations your having they are blame games and manipulative talk.
     
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I have spoken to him twice in the last two weeks. The first conversation was to let him know that his complaint was investigated and found to be true. That was the decent part.

    The second conversation was after he had time to digest it and to figure out away to use it to his advantage. His plan was to play on my mommy heart and get some kind of advantage because of it. Click

    The third, fourth, fifth, sixth..................12th have gone to voice mail. He can not leave a message due to their phone system. I may answer the phone next week or nah. He can always practice his limited writing skills and send a letter.
     
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Pasa, geez, I am sorry you have to listen to any of that. It is such skewered thinking which they involve us in..........it's like a quicksand you inadvertently step in and immediately begin to sink.

    About 2 years ago my daughter posted one of those quotes on FaceBook that you see all the time. It said something like, "mothers should do everything they can for their kids, regardless of their own needs and wants they must put their own kids needs above their own." When I read it I thought to myself, 'what is she saying here, I am raising her daughter, who at the time was 16, she had absolutely no relationship with her own daughter.' In fact, she would walk right by her and not even say hello. No phone calls to her, no interest, nothing. I couldn't make sense of that statement and how she meant it. Then my husband read it and said, "that was about you, not her, she was making a statement about how YOU need to take care of HER. She isn't even seeing the fact that she isn't available for her own daughter in any way, shape or form."

    I was stunned. How could she only see it in terms of ME and not see any part of what SHE was doing or not doing? That's when it became very clear to me that her thinking was only related to her and what she needs, the rest of us are invisible, irrelevant, not in the equation. I don't even believe it is intentional or manipulative anymore, I believe it is a brain anomaly, a lack of empathy based on a disorder........so I don't even bother judging it, it just is. It is the perception out of which my daughter views life. I stopped sinking in to the quicksand once I stopped expecting it to be any different and once I stopped judging it........that is simply the way she views life, out of a lens that doesn't have the added components of "others' involved in it.

    Hang in there Pasa, he is living out his life in his way. It is wise for you to not answer his calls and sink into the quicksand........it's where he lives, not you.
     
  5. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    Sorry he is using it to try to manipulate you.

    Even if it is genuine inability to break away from black and white thinking (Where someone is either victim or guilty, nice or nasty etc.) I'm sure it is aggravating to hear. And not taking him forward a bit.
     
  6. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    (quote) About 2 years ago my daughter posted one of those quotes on FaceBook that you see all the time. It said something like, "mothers should do everything they can for their kids, regardless of their own needs and wants they must put their own kids needs above their own." When I read it I thought to myself, 'what is she saying here, I am raising her daughter, who at the time was 16, she had absolutely no relationship with her own daughter.' In fact, she would walk right by her and not even say hello. No phone calls to her, no interest, nothing. I couldn't make sense of that statement and how she meant it. Then my husband read it and said, "that was about you, not her, she was making a statement about how YOU need to take care of HER. She isn't even seeing the fact that she isn't available for her own daughter in any way, shape or form."

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/a-decent-update.58932/#ixzz3H5fegaNH

    Maybe a defense mechanism. I have a cousin who has mental health and addiction problems who has lost her kids 4 or 5 times, but who is always posting lovey dovey quotes about how her son and daughter mean the world to her, and how much she adores them and would do anything for them, etc.etc. ad nauseam. When her daughter was an infant, she used to post updates on how she gave her a bath and kissed her baby goodnight, when the truth was that grandma was actually doing all that while she was out on a bender!

    Our kids live in some kind of fantasy world, it seems. They are extremely self centered. I think this is all part of their various personality disorders.

    I'm glad you are are not giving in to him, Pasa.
     
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Pasajes, I'm so sorry.

    This must be awful for you.

    I went back to read your signature. difficult child is there because of probation violation.

    You did not do that.

    He did.

    That part of it ~ where he is now ~ is out of your control.

    You did the things for him that it was in your power to do, and you made his situation better.

    Given that what was going on at the juvenile facility was pretty brazen, you saw to it that things were addressed that other parents may have tried but been unable to do.

    You did the right thing, not only for your own child, but for all the others there and even, for the betterment of the system, itself.

    I agree, pasajes.

    Cedar
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your caring responses. difficult child tries to be a manipulator, but due to his cognitive disabilities, he just sounds ridiculous. I read what others have said about their kids being such good liars that it is hard to sometimes know what is real.

    I am truly grateful that he lacks that skill. It is totally exhausting to listen to him talk in circles while I try to keep a straight face. Sometimes I can't. That's when he starts punching walls, disappearing for days on end, and who knows what else.
     
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