A fight is scheduled!!!

[Andy]

Ugh big time!!!

difficult child came home today and said, "J and I are going to settle things once and for all." When asked what that meant, "We both hate each other and want to punch each other's faces in so after school on Monday, J and I are going to fight. He thinks he can own me and he named the place and time." I advised difficult child not to go through with this - he is to ignore J and when J brings it up on Tuesday difficult child can reply, "Oh, yeah, I forgot - it is not that important - I have better things to do." (He wanted to add "You loser" but I advised against that also)

difficult child plans on riding bike to school on Monday (no school tomorrow or Friday with MEA) and then ride to the "meeting spot" to see if anyone shows up. I told him that of course J will show up with the entire basketball team to beat on difficult child. I told him to not even go there. I am not going to allow him to ride bike on Monday (I am sure he will forget to anyway). I will also pick him up after school (a different door and opposite side of the building from the "meeting" place).

difficult child talked about taking it to the Vice Principal to report this. I told him that would be a good thing. I don't know that he will though so I will call the VP on Monday morning to alert him to this threat. The VP can call both boys into the office without either of them know I called and deal with it. (difficult child is just as much to blame and should get some disciplining also for even thinking of and planning this)

My list for therapist is growing. I want therapist to work with difficult child on his anger management. To recognize annoyance before it turns to anger and to recognize the onset of anger and how to deal with those feelings. It is not often that difficult child gets very angry but when it does it is ugly and hard to reign him in. I told him that he can not shelter himself from annoying people all the time and that he needs to learn how to react (or not react). Good for him to get some tools before it grows. We may go back to monthly or twice a month therapist visits for this task.

This mean spot in him is so small yet so strong that it scares me. Will there be a day that it takes over long enough to cause him big problems? Will he either end up hurting someone or get beaten for his attitude when the meaness trys to poke through? Either scenario is not good!

 

[TeDo]

You are doing the right things. You talked about the situation and gave great options for difficult child to think about. I would definitely drop him off and pick him up. I would also call the VP immediately Monday morning. They can handle it at school but also voice your concerns about any retaliation or bullying that may occur against your difficult child the rest of the week. J is probably going to figure out (or assume) that difficult child "told" (or at least blame him). They can keep their eyes and ears open to prevent any further issues. Keep talking about the "right" things to do and WHY. Maybe by Monday, difficult child will be better able to handle things. Something needs to be done to solve the hatred between these two boys. If they see each other alot throughtout the day, it could be a VERY long year.

 

[Jena]

hi

i'm sorry to hear that. it's rough on kids, so hard. if he goes to principal kids will make fun of him, yet if he shows up at the fight things as you said will get out of hand. hmmm gotta sleep on it. was just going to bed and saw your post.

 

[susiestar]

How upsetting for you!!! All the years of teaching him to use his words and what does he do with them? Sets up a fight! ARRGGHHHHHHH!!

I totally understand your feelings on this!!! It can be so very hard to walk away time after time, and yet the consequences for NOT walking away can be so very bad. Too bad that our kids cannot see how many awful things come through fighting like this.

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

 

[Andy]

Thank you! I think he feels it is the right thing to not show up to this one. I have to take him to school on Monday to deliver medications and poweraide to the nurses office. I may just let him skip Sunday School tomorrow to avoid this kid (I will let Pastor know why since he is in confirmation with J and is suppose to go to Sunday School). Or he can come to my class again.

I guess I still have mixed feelings on this one. Most of me is saying that it is just talk for the time being but a part of me thinks, "What if they do go through with it?" Best to nip it in the butt before either of them gets the confidence to actually follow through. If difficult child really wanted to do this, I doubt he would have told me about it.

On an hour car trip yesterday, I gave him a full two sheet report that I intend on sharing with therapist. It explains a few incidents (I will add a third page for this one) and asks for help in teaching difficult child to control his anger and learn how to deal with people who are annoying. I fully expected difficult child to blow up on me but he read it through and looked at the form that I want therapist to help him with. When done he set it down with no reactions. I asked if it was o.k. and he indicated "yes".

The journalling is not working. He is overwhelmed with the instructions of "Who, what, where, when, why". I think like most people if he just starts to write it will come but for now, thinking about all those things are overwhelming. So, I want to go to a "I feel ............ because..........." and allow him to write whatever with no thought of details to remember who, what, where, when, why. The challenge is that the list I found on the computer is geared toward 9th - 12th grades and he does not understand some of the words. I am asking therapist to help go through the words and decide which ones to keep on a list (maybe changing to a word that makes more sense)?

I have one sheet completed already. One night he was angry so I handed him a form. He scuffed at it and threw it down. We then went into a store and when we got back to the van, he picked up the sheet and started writing.

This form had only the angry words on it. I want him to journal every night so found a longer form with other words to cover the range of feelings.

 

[idohope]

Sounds like you are handling this very well. Let us know what happens on Monday. Good sign that he said it was OK to share your sheets with therapist.

 

[shellyd67]

Andy, I hope the weekend will allow difficult child to settle down and it won't be that big of a deal come Monday. My difficult child over reacts quite often and I have heard him on more than one occasion that he is going to "knock so and so out!". He usually is just venting and has never become physical with anyone but he is also only 10. I see your difficult child is 14 and hormones also probably come into play. I don't recall reading any old threads you posted but I am assuming "j" is a thorn in difficult child's side? I hope it all works out !

 

[1905]

When you call the principal, just let him/her know you want it to be anonymous so difficult child will not have any backlash. Believe me, the principal will "make up" a story as to how he got wind of it. Nobody will ever know it was you, not even difficult child. That will stop the fight, and the two them will be brought to the attention of everyone- even the guidance dept.- who (hopefully), will aid in the mending of fences between them.

 

[barneysmom]

Hi Andy,

I do see some signs that your difficult child is handling things well. He used his words to tell you about it, and isn't raging and breaking things and sustaining/kindling his rage over the weekend until the fight. I think the fact that he is able to cover the page with angry words is huge -- lots of boys his age are inarticulate about their anger and many would rather die than write things down (not generalizing).

Plus as someone else mentioned, don't underestimate the anger of an adolescent boy. Our boys both became transformed by adolescence (not in a good way).

Sorry if I'm all wet -- these were just my initial reactions to reading your post.

Have you tried the Omegas for your son? I see you have some good vitamins on your son's list. My boys (and me and husband) have been on the Omegas for 8 weeks now and I'm seeing some results with the smoothing out of moods/irritability/anxiety. Could you educate me about vit. b2 please? I also give a vit. D supplement 1000 I.U.

Jo

 

[Jena]

hi andy

sorry i wrote like one sentence and passed out the other night lol.

you have it under control!! you always do! i totally like upp all night's idea bigtime! this way difficult child doesn't get abused by kids, fight is stopped and no one knows who ratted that kid out! love that!!!

 

[Andy]

Thank you everyone again!!

Barney's Mom - I am unfamiliar with Omegas (I have heard the term but nothing beyond that) - I will look into them. The Vitamin B-2 is to help prevent headaches/migranes (also the Vitamin D and drinking water and gaterade).

I just can't picture J throwing a blow (both J and difficult child were brought up not to fight - went to same very small school and were good friends when they were young). I know J - he is not a violent kid - however, he may have some close friends who would not mind "protecting" him by beating difficult child for him.

difficult child would only throw one if he was extremely angry and provoked. Like the Coward of the County, where people see the character as a coward but when his girl was abused, he showed his power to punish the abuser, difficult child will settle things if he really believes they need to be settled. In his mind, the other person is wrong and he has to put things right.

He needs the Serenity Prayer of "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference" He has the middle part down well but really needs to understand the 1st and last to find balance in his anger/annoyance.