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A First Attempt
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<blockquote data-quote="karisma" data-source="post: 695952" data-attributes="member: 20391"><p>Rebelson, I am seeing exponentially more every day what a great disservice I have actually done Difficult Child. And myself. </p><p></p><p>I truly want Difficult Child to be happy too...or at least in peace. I have always said I would do absolutely anything to achieve that. I really never imagined that the "anything" was going to be basically cutting him off and dealing with all the hateful interactions that would result. Very upsetting stuff.</p><p></p><p>I recall a time when Difficult Child was younger, 20ish, and I had come to the realization that in any given "crisis" or "situation" with Difficult Child, that things would have actually worked out better had I done the selfish thing, the thing that put my needs or wants first. I think its time to really focus on doing that.</p><p></p><p>Difficult Child is making it easy.</p><p></p><p>I saw him very briefly yesterday. He claimed he just wanted to see me, you know spend time with me. Uh huh. Sure. So I go to the platform, we say hi, sit down, talk very briefly. Difficult Child denies reading my email. I believe he didn't read it. But I also know he could have and chose not to (I have written him hundreds of letters over the years that he has refused to read). </p><p></p><p>That's fine. He is not interested in what I have to say. Okay, well I can't tell him verbally because he will just freak out and leave after all of 2 sentences. He won't read the information I am trying to convey either. Well, I did my part. So, when he said "Can I have some money for food?" I replied "No, I asked if you wanted me to bring some food with me for you and you said no--- refer to the email" ,Difficult Child said something about me shaming him and then some stuff that made no sense. He was ranting, so I called him an a** and he left screaming at me that I am a "raper", as in I rape him. Nice huh?</p><p></p><p>It really messes up my day, these interactions. I feel very angry and very sad for several hours afterward. So, I will be telling him next time he calls to meet me that it makes me too upset to see him and I do not deserve it-- and refer to the email if he has further questions.</p><p></p><p>It will be very hard for me to do this, but seeing him has also become very hard.</p><p></p><p>I believe he has been pushing me away in an effort to make me let go. I have been too dense to notice.</p><p></p><p>My feelings of being hurt or my feelings of missing him have been being put away into some other place in my psyche all night long so that I can get through what will come next. I can't concern myself with my own maladaptive, immature, emotions over this any longer.</p><p></p><p>Thank you so much for helping see this</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="karisma, post: 695952, member: 20391"] Rebelson, I am seeing exponentially more every day what a great disservice I have actually done Difficult Child. And myself. I truly want Difficult Child to be happy too...or at least in peace. I have always said I would do absolutely anything to achieve that. I really never imagined that the "anything" was going to be basically cutting him off and dealing with all the hateful interactions that would result. Very upsetting stuff. I recall a time when Difficult Child was younger, 20ish, and I had come to the realization that in any given "crisis" or "situation" with Difficult Child, that things would have actually worked out better had I done the selfish thing, the thing that put my needs or wants first. I think its time to really focus on doing that. Difficult Child is making it easy. I saw him very briefly yesterday. He claimed he just wanted to see me, you know spend time with me. Uh huh. Sure. So I go to the platform, we say hi, sit down, talk very briefly. Difficult Child denies reading my email. I believe he didn't read it. But I also know he could have and chose not to (I have written him hundreds of letters over the years that he has refused to read). That's fine. He is not interested in what I have to say. Okay, well I can't tell him verbally because he will just freak out and leave after all of 2 sentences. He won't read the information I am trying to convey either. Well, I did my part. So, when he said "Can I have some money for food?" I replied "No, I asked if you wanted me to bring some food with me for you and you said no--- refer to the email" ,Difficult Child said something about me shaming him and then some stuff that made no sense. He was ranting, so I called him an a** and he left screaming at me that I am a "raper", as in I rape him. Nice huh? It really messes up my day, these interactions. I feel very angry and very sad for several hours afterward. So, I will be telling him next time he calls to meet me that it makes me too upset to see him and I do not deserve it-- and refer to the email if he has further questions. It will be very hard for me to do this, but seeing him has also become very hard. I believe he has been pushing me away in an effort to make me let go. I have been too dense to notice. My feelings of being hurt or my feelings of missing him have been being put away into some other place in my psyche all night long so that I can get through what will come next. I can't concern myself with my own maladaptive, immature, emotions over this any longer. Thank you so much for helping see this [/QUOTE]
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