Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A First Attempt
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="rebelson" data-source="post: 696006" data-attributes="member: 19966"><p>I'm pretty sure what it means is that you support with words and love, but do absolutely nothing nothing nothing for them that they can do for themselves.</p><p></p><p>No, I don't think it means to have nothing to do with them. That would be extreme, & pretty much an impossibility for most of us moms.</p><p></p><p>Here are some examples of what I do think it means:</p><p></p><p>Don't pay tickets for them.</p><p>Don't pay housing for them.</p><p>Don't give them cash.</p><p>Don't buy cars for them.</p><p>Don't make appointments for them.</p><p>Don't go online and research things for them.</p><p>If they verbally abuse you, do not talk to them.</p><p>Don't "rescue" them from learning opportunities.</p><p></p><p>I think you get the message. Of course there are exceptions. If they're fresh out of sober living and need help with the first month rent at a halfway house, I think in that situation, it's fine to help them. There are other exceptions.</p><p></p><p>One thing that I did back in August after son was kicked out of gram's house, is I paid several nights for him to be in motel. I don't think I would do that again. Meanwhile, he had money from a car accident & he was drinking and smoking weed. I was trying to make it so that he didn't have to dip into his money. That was enabling.</p><p></p><p>But I learned at family session in May, that it is very easy for us parents to get sucked in & inadvertently "help" a relapse occur in a newly recovered addict. As parents of course we are happy if our addict is in recovery. So it is easy for us to say to ourselves "oh I'm so happy, he's sober...I need to help him stay good & on the right track, therefore it's OK if I just help him out a little bit..." And before you know it you're back into doing things for him that he can do for himself. Of course, it's not purposeful, we're doing this out of love. But, it's the unhealthy, enabling, codependent love that actually sets them back.</p><p></p><p>This thing is a fine line, it really is.</p><p></p><p>Thanks, RN, for the encouragement. I don't feel very strong. Let's put it this way. I have periodic moments in my day where I feel strong. But during those feelings of strength, I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope and at any given moment I could fall back.</p><p></p><p>Example this past week. I haven't heard from my son, I'm angry so I didn't call the PHP to inquire. I was able to feel strong. Then, BAM!</p><p></p><p>Yesterday, I'm at the library with my kids. My phone rings it is his new therapist at the PHP facility. I posted about this on my thread.</p><p></p><p>After that phone call my whole day was wrecked. I was a depressed mess. (And I am RARELY depressed. Anxious? Yes. Depressed? No.) Hence the sobbing, gasping-to-get-my-winded-breath run.</p><p></p><p>I am on my way to an Al-Anon meeting. I went to this particular one several months ago and actually enjoyed it. I will try to seek clarification there, on that 100% detached quote, as that is where I originally heard it.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="rebelson, post: 696006, member: 19966"] I'm pretty sure what it means is that you support with words and love, but do absolutely nothing nothing nothing for them that they can do for themselves. No, I don't think it means to have nothing to do with them. That would be extreme, & pretty much an impossibility for most of us moms. Here are some examples of what I do think it means: Don't pay tickets for them. Don't pay housing for them. Don't give them cash. Don't buy cars for them. Don't make appointments for them. Don't go online and research things for them. If they verbally abuse you, do not talk to them. Don't "rescue" them from learning opportunities. I think you get the message. Of course there are exceptions. If they're fresh out of sober living and need help with the first month rent at a halfway house, I think in that situation, it's fine to help them. There are other exceptions. One thing that I did back in August after son was kicked out of gram's house, is I paid several nights for him to be in motel. I don't think I would do that again. Meanwhile, he had money from a car accident & he was drinking and smoking weed. I was trying to make it so that he didn't have to dip into his money. That was enabling. But I learned at family session in May, that it is very easy for us parents to get sucked in & inadvertently "help" a relapse occur in a newly recovered addict. As parents of course we are happy if our addict is in recovery. So it is easy for us to say to ourselves "oh I'm so happy, he's sober...I need to help him stay good & on the right track, therefore it's OK if I just help him out a little bit..." And before you know it you're back into doing things for him that he can do for himself. Of course, it's not purposeful, we're doing this out of love. But, it's the unhealthy, enabling, codependent love that actually sets them back. This thing is a fine line, it really is. Thanks, RN, for the encouragement. I don't feel very strong. Let's put it this way. I have periodic moments in my day where I feel strong. But during those feelings of strength, I feel like I'm standing on a tight rope and at any given moment I could fall back. Example this past week. I haven't heard from my son, I'm angry so I didn't call the PHP to inquire. I was able to feel strong. Then, BAM! Yesterday, I'm at the library with my kids. My phone rings it is his new therapist at the PHP facility. I posted about this on my thread. After that phone call my whole day was wrecked. I was a depressed mess. (And I am RARELY depressed. Anxious? Yes. Depressed? No.) Hence the sobbing, gasping-to-get-my-winded-breath run. I am on my way to an Al-Anon meeting. I went to this particular one several months ago and actually enjoyed it. I will try to seek clarification there, on that 100% detached quote, as that is where I originally heard it. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
A First Attempt
Top