A letter to my son in jail

[nerfherder]

My son always says that I'm inconsistent, and have always given him to little to late. I know that isn't true, but it kills me that this is what he believes.

Y'know, there are people out there who believe I am a saint. There are others out there who believe I am the spawn of Eve and the Serpent. (Literally. Some of those Identity "Christians" are a little...um.)

Anyway. My ex doesn't think too well of me. My brother probably thinks I'm a selfish weirdo. My mother's suburban princess friends think who knows what. My house cleaning client thinks I am a gift from God. My older daughter's friends think I'm scary. My housemates' four kids love me only second to their own mom and dad.

If I let my brain depend on what everyone thought of me I'd be close to schizoid.

I like what you want to say in the letter. But... The manipulative type would love it too, because there are at least a half dozen openings where one could twist your words.

Cut each paragraph down to a ten word sentence. It's hard, but a good writing exercise. That way when/if he calls to talk about it, you have notes you can refer to to keep him from getting you to twist your own words.

Good luck, and be gentle with yourself. You are initiating a change in the way you see yourself, and reverting to old emotional habits is a risk when tired, stressed or emotionally vulnerable.

 

[Natsom]

Hi Nerf!
Excellent exercise to cut my letter down. Here's the result:

Dear Son,

I see no change in you. I strongly disagree with your thoughts and actions. Only you have power over yourself. I'm here for you when you're ready to take responsibility for your own life and become a productive member of society.


I wont be sending this letter either, but it made me realize that less is more.

KEEP IT SIMPLE!

 

[Natsom]

....and NERF, your right. I place way to much importance on what others think of me.

My bad. Working on it

 

[AppleCori]

Nerf--

Long ago I read an autobiography of a Supreme Court Justice and he told of how he got through law school while working full-time/supporting a family by using a similar technique to study and retain large amounts of info.

I use a version of this in my homeschooling and it has served my kids well when they went to college and also worked.

 

[InsaneCdn]

My kids know what they are doing. None of them are in an altered reality. But their perception reality is often very different from my perception of reality. And most of the time? we are both partly right. The more I understand why they make the choices they do, the more I can work toward positive outcomes.

 

[Copabanana]

be gentle with yourself. You are initiating a change in the way you see yourself

Nerf, this means a lot.

You are changing.
The way you see.
Be gentle.
Your self.

 

[Tanya M]

I wrote many letters to my son while he was in prison. I always made a copy of the letters I sent to him for reference.

I learned over time that I was wasting my breath expressing how his actions affected me. I do not regret writing those letters as I know some of what I wrote touched him on some level and it was good for me to get out what I needed to say to him.

The nice thing about writing letters is you can really take your time with it. Sometimes it would take me a couple of days to pen a letter to him.

Write what you feel you need to and see how and if he responds.

I think your letter was just fine.

 

[Childofmine]

Nat, thanks for sharing what is going on with you and your son.

My son was in jail some 8 or 9 different times over the past five years. Some for longer periods of time, and some for shorter periods of time.

The first few times, I wrote long letters to him, very similar to what you wrote. I was thinking, okay, he's in there, maybe he'll get shaken up a bit by being in jail, and become more reflective, and realize a lot of things and he won't be able to get drugs in there, so it's time for me to tell him exactly what I am thinking and feeling.

To me, there are two purposes to write such a letter: to get it off my chest without interruption and to hope and pray my words make a difference.

I think the first purpose was realized for me, and it was a relief to...just say it. Say it clearly and say it without him interrupting me and throwing a lot of stuff in there and me getting all confused, which is what would happen when I would try to talk to him.

I have no idea if the second purpose was ever even a little bit achieved.

I always told my son I loved him in the letters, after I said my piece.

Often, he would write back, arguing with me about some little or big point that I made. How I got it wrong, and didn't know the facts, and how he didn't "do anything" just a victim of somebody else, the police, the jail, his friends, whatever.

All of that would fill me with despair, and show me that nothing really had changed in him. But it was still communication and I wanted to communicate with him, even if I didn't like what he said.

So, if you want to write a letter, do it. You'll need to be prepared for the fallout and backlash, but I believe there is healing in writing exactly what we want to say without interruption, editing ourselves, changing a paragraph or two, letting it sit for a few days, then changing it some more, and then...just sending it.

I always felt relieved and felt like I had done something.

One thing I did learn over time: He was going to get it...when he got it...and not one minute before.
And I was going to have very little to do with him getting it.

We're here for you. We can only offer ideas and thoughts and comfort, and then you have some things to think about before you decide what you want to do. It's always your decision, and we respect that.

Warm hugs today.

 

[toughlovin]

Totally agree with child My son has also been in jail several times...the longest for about 3 months. I didn't write him much because I am not a big letter writer but we did visit and I did put money in his canteen. How you handle these things is totally up to you and you absolutely should only do what you are comfortable doing. And if he is being verbally abusive to you then step back because there is no reason to take his abuse. However one thing that I thought about when my son was in jail (and he was young as he is now 23) was that the only thing keeping him from being a hardened criminal is the love of his mother! And I still believe that...even more now that he seems to be getting on the right track and is serious about recovery!
But like child said he didn't get to that point until he was ready....but I do think our love makes a difference even if we don't see positive results right away.

 

[Joyfullyme]

When my child was in jail for stealing a car, I wrote letters with the hope that something would make him see the potential in him - that he would begin to UNDERSTAND and make different decision.

That was 15 years ago. Nothing has changed. He is now homeless.

The sad thing is they WON'T understand - or they don't WANT to understand our point of view. Trying to explain how we feel/suffer/hope, etc. is pointless and in my case, it just gave him ammo to use to manipulate me. I know that sounds harsh, but it is just the truth.

As SWOT said, you will KNOW when he has changed because he will be living a different life; he will be respectful and working and supporting himself and doing what adults do to live in this world. You will know it by his actions.

It has taken me 20 years to see this (I'm crying right now - I can't believe it too me so long...)

Journaling has helped me - write for yourself - for your own healing. Put every feeling and thought in your journal so YOU can heal and be stronger and start to detach and move into a life that is yours. Coming here and reading has been such a balm to my aching heart and has also helped me to be strong and clear about what I want for MY life.

Hugs!!

 

[Natsom]

Thank you so much everyone. Your words of experience are so meaningful to me.

I haven't sent the letter. He called tonight, I didn't answer.

However... I did set up an appointment for next Monday to visit him. This meeting is more for me than for him. I haven't seen him in months, and I know he will look thin and pale. I saw his booking photo, not good. What was it toughlovin said about a Mothers love? That's kind of where I'm at. I will set my boundaries with kindness. If he starts playing his games, I will simply leave. And I'm prepared to do that. No point in arguing. That's how he traps me. I won't allow it.

My son has no idea I have set this appointment. I can always change my mind. But for right now, I plan to go. For me. To help me feel better.

I know it will be hard. There will be tears on the 120 mile journey home. But it might help me with acceptance. To see him while I'm speaking with him, with the understanding that he is no longer my little boy, but an adult man who has gotten into this situation all by himself.

Hugs to all!!

 

[Copabanana]

What was it toughlovin said about a Mothers love? That's kind of where I'm at. I will set my boundaries with kindness. If he starts playing his games, I will simply leave. And I'm prepared to do that. No point in arguing. That's how he traps me. I won't allow it.

Good for you, Nat. You sound clear and strong.

To visit a son in jail/prison is an act of love. It may break through his defenses. You never know.

But you will know. And that is the most important thing. Inside of these holy terrors they have needed to become, are our sons.

 

[toughlovin]

Mat you sound good and clear! Stay strong! I was lucky in that when my son was in jail it was very close by so I didn't need to travel. I think visiting is a good idea. Just be prepared cause it is hard.

 

[Tanya M]

I'm glad you will be able to go visit. You sound strong. Even though you will go by yourself know that all of here will be there with you, standing behind you, holding you up.

Let us know how it goes.

 

[Childofmine]

Nat, you sound decisive and like you are walking the road one step at a time. That's the only way to do it, so kudos to you!

I hope the visit turns out well. "Laying eyes on" our DCs is something we moms need to do from time to time. I so understand that.

Visiting in jail is hard, as TL says. If you haven't done that before, just take it all in and let it roll over you and through you.

You may cry all the way home, and that's okay too. I think crying is a very good thing for us to do, and it often is so healing and cathartic.

In the end you will have gone to see your son, and you will have "laid eyes on him." Beyond that, who knows?

Warm hugs today. I hope you can turn your energy onto yourself between now and the visit and do some very kind things for YOU, like flowers for the kitchen table, take a nap, have coffee with friends, light a candle and sit and breathe...whatever is good for your soul.

We're here with you through it all.

 

[Natsom]

I'm just a little bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I can't remember what brought me to this forum, but I know I was in a very dark place. I started reading the posts of others and saw my story over and over again. Receiving all of your warm words of advice and encouragement helped me to get out of my pit. I started getting out of the house, going to meetings, and taking care of myself.

Talk about a higher power! I never go on forums, and I didn't look at any forum except this one.

I'm so grateful for all of you.

I'm glad you will be able to go visit. You sound strong. Even though you will go by yourself know that all of here will be there with you, standing behind you, holding you up.

Thank you Tanya. This brought me to tears, the good kind.

 

[Tanya M]

 

[recoveringenabler]

I never go on forums, and I didn't look at any forum except this one.

That was my experience too Natsom. And, I'm still here and very grateful too.

Stay the course, you're doing great!

 

[InsaneCdn]

I never go on forums, and I didn't look at any forum except this one.

I think there's quite a few of us on here that are the same way.

 

[Just so tired]

I agree with you SWOT, but I have such a hard time believing that my son is so irrational. Why can't he agree with common sense? I know I'm being ridiculous. This is insanity.

My son always says that I'm inconsistent, and have always given him to little to late. I know that isn't true, but it kills me that this is what he believes.

Your right SWOT, this letter is for me. When I speak with him on the phone he just wants to play games and manipulate me. I don't want to talk with him anymore, and I want him to understand why. He's no longer in control of me, even if he thinks he is.

Acceptance is a tough thing. It doesn't make me feel any better now that I'm closer to acceptance. What it does is help me stay on track and feel more confident in how I deal with my DS.

I don't believe he is going to change any time soon. He hasn't hit bottom yet.