A little poll

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by witzend, Jul 15, 2014.


Did your mother stay at your house to "help" when you had your children?

  1. Yes, thank goodness!

    6 vote(s)
  2. Yes, and what a bother!

    2 vote(s)
  3. No, thank goodness!

    9 vote(s)
  4. No, and I wish she would have!

    3 vote(s)
  1. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Just wondering if we can determine how common it is for grandma to help with the new baby.
  2. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I answered "yes and what a bother" - but the answer really was different for each of my kids. With my first baby (Oldest), my mom came for a week and was a huge help -- I was clueless and had no idea what I was doing, and was glad to have someone there, especially when my husband was at work. With my second (Youngest) - my mother was pretty worthless as far as helping. I found out later she'd relapsed for the umpteenth time (alcoholic). It was a pretty bad time for me for many reasons so that's etched in my memory - therefore I picked that answer.

    However -- my mother was also older and retired, and had plenty of free time to come stay and help. I think that it's probably more common with grandparents in that category -- but for those of us who are grandmas and still working full time, nowhere near retirement, it's not that simple. With my grandkids -- I seem to recall taking off 2-3 days to help, but that was it. Youngest was living with me when the first was born though, and at least local with the second.
  3. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Yes, but I had twins. It was incredibly helpful. I think she stayed for about two weeks. She was very good about leaving me time with the babies and taking care of other stuff...also of protecting my naptime, making sure I had food, etc. It was really good for our relationship, which was never bad, but that reallly cemented it.

    That being said...I wouldn't have wanted my mother-in-law, who was perfectly nice, to do the same. It is a very intimate time.
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    My mom didn't actually stay here - they only live 30 minutes away - but she was here nearly every day. Thank goodness.
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    My mom lived and we lived in the same city. She came over every day, brought meals, helped with the house and helped me figure out what to do next. It was a godsend. Both times. I hope to do that for my kids' wives one day if they want me to.
  6. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    When I had my first child I was living with my parents. I was 19 and stupid and needed all the help I could get.

    The second child I didn't want them there. My husband had no experience, I had a toddler, and I was trying to recover from the pregnancy from hello. My mom pretty much respected that. My mother in law did not. She showed up expecting me to take care of her and my sister in law. ARGH!!
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This was hard to answer. My mother made it clear while I was pregnant that she didn't want to get "too attached" to the baby and would never babysit so she certainly wasn't interested in coming over to help. I don't remember if back then, when I was only 23, I would have welcomed it or not. The idea never came up, although I was really suffering from bad post-partum depression. She had just divorced and was busy playing "I-am-a-teenager-again" and had no interest at all in her grandchild. She rarely saw him during her lifetime and did not WANT to see him. At least toward me and mine, she had no maternal instincts. Later she did get close to my sister's twins, however that was after my sister and her ex paid her a good chunk of money to babysit for the girls while they worked. My sister and her ex even had to buy her insurance or she wouldn't babysit. It was a wild situation. She was getting maybe $500 or more in cash per week for watching her grandchildren and she didn't need the money. Maybe she was being smart for herself, you know? Maybe it made sense. Anyway, during that time, she bonded with them. And she did stay with Sissy after the babies were born. Since she was never easy to get along with, I have no idea how that went. I never asked about or was told how smoothly that went.

    Now I'm thinking...yuck, it was better she hadn't come to my house, even though I struggled just to feed my son. She would have made things worse.

    I have the strangest family...lol.
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2014
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Hmmm... interesting. My mom didn't work when most of her grandchildren were born, and lived in the same city as her 3 daughters, but I never would have even thought of her going to help after the baby was born. My impression was that "it's yours, and if you don't have enough help to take care of it you shouldn't have had it."

    It's kind of weird considering that her mother was (I think) living with my parents and helping raise my 4 brothers and sisters up until she died in a car accident when my mother was pregnant with me. My mom didn't even know how to drive until after my grandmother died and only then learned under much protest.

    I guess that gets into how little people seem go from burg to burg unless it is for work. When I grew up I took the bus everywhere, and so did my siblings. They learned to drive at 16 but I didn't until I was 25. I live about 12 miles from the nearest big city and I swear to goodness there is a general consensus that many people from my town will never in their lives make that 12 mile trip and many don't even know how to get there.
  9. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Though I was living with my parents when had my first child; seemed I spent more time trying to protect my son from my mother... she had me actually wondering if my siblings and I were the survivors of a bunch of babies? But no she just got lucky, us 3 were all she had it was just dumb luck that we all survived to adulthood.

  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    My mom was a saint. For other reasons, not just because she helped with the grandkids.

    She was over with the first one to cook, clean, and watch the newborn while I tried to take a nap, for the first couple of days.

    With the second one she came over with some casseroles and she took toddler big brother and she had him for a week. and took him for his first haircut.

    She was there when I needed her, and not there but available when I didn't.

    I do miss my mom.
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My mother wouldnt have helped me if my life had depended on it. Tony's parents were both out of the picture - mother dead and father a quadriplegic. With my first one I did live with my mother for a little while after I divorced my ex and she left my dad. My former in laws never came near their grandson.

    I remember how lonely I felt in the hospital when I had Jamie and Cory. My mom lived in the same town and the only one who was with me at the hospital was Tony. I never got flowers, I never got that cute little ribbon and stuffed animal on the door, I never got visitor's. When I got home from the hospital it stayed the same. I took care of the boys until Tony came home and took over for me. That was a very lonely time for me. Heck most of my life has been lonely.

    I think that is why I have gone out of my way to do things for my kids and grands. In fact I was the first person who held McKenzie. LOL
  12. RBMom

    RBMom New Member

    My mom was wonderful. She helped with all of her grandkids. She didn't really come to my house to help. I brought my boys to her house.