Things have changed so much since I last posted about my son that I thought an update was in order. Please excuse the length of this post. I told my husband the other day that some of this tale seems so far fetched that the only people that would understand it and believe it would be ya'll. In the middle of December, T was hospitalized for aggressive behavior (I hate that those words seem so mild compared to what he did). The acute unit changed his medications and started him on Abilify. He spent a week there "stabilizing". He was released to day treatment for two days (They were closed for three days for the Christmas holidays). The Monday after Christmas, he went to day treatment and then came home. The holidays were rough, but I thought it was just due to the anticipation of Christmas and all the expectations that come with it. I was wrong. On Monday, after spending the day at treatement, T become violent with easy child 8 and myself. He was very aggressive and tried to open a moving car door (thank goodness for child locks) when that didn't work he tried to push himself through the car window. We admitted him to the acute unit again. There he became more and more violent and explosive. After much discussion, his doctors began to lower his Abilify dose and added Depokate. Because of his extreme behavior, he spent another two weeks in the acute unit. They released him to a treatment foster home because they could not stabilize him but our insurance was pressuring them to release him. He spent 40 days in the foster home which was a disaster. The foster parents lived two blocks away from us. So when ever there was an issue, they would call me to come and take care of it. If he misbehaved in school (something that was new, he was able to keep it under control at school with us but not at home) - the foster parents called me to handle it. Now keep in mind that my husband and I are paying thousands of dollars after insurance for this private program. The one time I was unable to go to the school because T had peed his pants (something that began to happen every single day for weeks on end), I was written up in their weekly reports. T had stopped calling me Mom and was referring to me by his foster Moms first name. He never asked about his siblings or his other family. Although we visited him often, he has started to pull away from us. Almost as if once someone else was meeting his immediate needs, his tie to us were no longer there. T became more and more aggressive throughout his stay with the foster parents. He bloodied his foster sister's nose, he blacked his foster mother's eye three times, he told students at school he wanted to kill them (and gave a plan to do it). He drew lengthy plans about how he planed to kill himself. He began to fall into psychosis, seeing things that didn't exist and hearing voices. The foster program was still sending him off to public school each day. He was meeting with their therapist every week and she was reporting that his behavior was concerning. They were suppose to be managing his medications, but refused to take him to any medication management appts because their program doctor didn't not accept our insurance and we don't qualify for medicaid. My husband and I were taking him ourselves to have his Depokate levels checked (his levels stayed in the solid 95-100). He was weaned totally off the Abilify following the procedure that the acute unit had set forth. His behavior was increasing, but the foster program then began discussing releasing him back home to us because our insurance coverage was running out. We keep saying, "No something is wrong here". He is getting worse and worse everyday, that's when they started having him rate his suicidal thoughts on a number scale every hour. The foster parents would then at the end of the day, see how bad he was and report to the therapist. After finally having enough, I made an appointment with his psychiatric. doctor who he had been seeing after his first admit to an Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and picked him up from school to take him. psychiatrist took one look at him and admitted him to their acute unit. There he was diagnosed as bipolar. He has spent two weeks there, where they have up his Depokate because his levels would read 100 one week and then drop to 45 the next. They started him on Geodon but it does not seem to be helping. Their words to us, last week, were we can't stabilize him we are just babysitting him at this point. During this time, I have been calling every program in our state for help. T can't come home, it is doubtful that he will ever did able to live with us again. The lines he crossed here were extreme and lacking in all humanity. And they were somewhat mild compared to how far he has progressed since December. Our insurance has washed their hands of him and is refusing any more coverage. We started this journey 9 months ago, with no debt. We are now swimming in it. We don't have the thousands of dollars a month that it would take for the level of care that T needs. The good news is that after the 800th phone call, I finally found a way to get him into a state ran Residential Treatment Center (RTC) program for an evaluation time period. I know that is seems wrong to say that it's good news but I have come to terms with the fact that what is normal for a family is not going to be so with T. We met with them last week and although their focus is reunification, after reviewing T's file they agree with several other professionals that it might not be the correct course of action for him. T will be admitted to their program next week for an undetermined period of time. They said that they usually admit for 4 months but that on occasion there have been kids that stay much much longer (they won't say how long that was) and the T appeared to be one of those kids. We will have to pay child support for his stay, but it is actually less money than what we have been putting out for care each month with insurance coverage. The team was amazed with how knowledgeable my husband and I were. One doctor said, "you both know more than most first year medical students". As of right now he is safe in the acute unit. We have contacted a lawyer regarding our insurance company and their lack of following the mental health parity law. That is a battle that I'm willing to fight. I have never in my life fought for something so hard without any "real" positive effects. I'm spent. We started this journey back in July, knowing that something was not quite right with our son but thinking we were just looking at an extreme case of anxiety that could be handled with a little bit of therapy. We couldn't have been more wrong. Eight months later, we have had four acute unit stays (in three different places), one six week stay at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), one 40 day stay with treatment foster parents and countless doctors and professionals coming in and out of our lives. Some offered great advice, some not so much but they all left us with something that we have learned. I know our journey is moving forward and is not anywhere near completion, I grieve everyday, but I'm proud of how hard I have fought for my son. I hope that through all of this, one day I can see that fighting as hard as I have as lead to something positive (however small that might be) for him. I am not ashamed of anything I have done in the seven years that I have been his parent. I have learned that I'm a whole heck of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was or could be.