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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 750145" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Chasejazz</p><p></p><p>Welcome. I will reply briefly. It's only my own point of view.</p><p></p><p>I struggle with many of the feelings (and circumstances) that you share. I have felt a failure as a mother, and a failure as a sister and a daughter.</p><p></p><p>These are feelings. Not facts.</p><p></p><p>Everybody has a story. Your children in time (sooner or later) will learn how hard is life. They will learn (in time) how hard it is to parent. They may or may not find heart for you. We, you and I, did the best we could at the time. The acceptance we need, comes from us. Not anybody else.</p><p></p><p>I was hard on my own mother who died 6 years ago. We reconciled 20 years before her death, but oh how I wish I had had more time with her. Life is a cruel teacher.</p><p></p><p>First of all, your kids stories are only beginning to be written. Your relationships with them are likely to turn around, as did my own with my mother. Your kids will change and mature. Those who are floundering may well turn things around. </p><p></p><p>But the thing is, we are left with ourselves. To find and make lives with meaning. To turn our energies and our attention to mending ourselves. Finding wholeness. People do this regardless of their circumstances, or health, or money. They do it by seeking activities and purpose and people, who affirm them. They pray. They meditate. They do art. All kinds of things.</p><p></p><p>I know slightly a man who works at the library. He volunteers. He's about 85 or 86. About every.single.thing in his life, this man is thrilled. He believes he aced everything in life. It's his outlook. He is not a braggart. What he is, is an optimist. He is positive. He spent half an hour telling me about his puzzle room. His stamp collection. His massive library. Not only in his living room. But he built what he calls an auxiliary room. He plays bridge. He travels. I don't think he ever had children. And I doubt he married. He spends his life doing things that are fun and interesting to him. He is thrilled with his life. He is now a model for me.</p><p></p><p>I don't think change for you will come from any change of mind of your children. Which is not to say that they won't change how they feel and treat you. But that won't change how you feel about yourself. Not really. Real and true value comes from within. With a change of mind and outlook. You may think I am foolish. But I am not. Your kids have their lives now. They are free to think or believe whatever they choose about you and any other thing. And you are free to let them. And to let it go.</p><p></p><p>it sounds that at least a couple of your children are toxic to be around. At least for you. Why not stop seeking something that is not there? What do they have to offer to you? It sounds like not much. Let them be. Love them from afar. But decide to love yourself. And to accept yourself. Try. Who cares what they think or say? It's you that matters, now. What we give to ourselves and to others, with an open heart, is what counts, now.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 750145, member: 18958"] Dear Chasejazz Welcome. I will reply briefly. It's only my own point of view. I struggle with many of the feelings (and circumstances) that you share. I have felt a failure as a mother, and a failure as a sister and a daughter. These are feelings. Not facts. Everybody has a story. Your children in time (sooner or later) will learn how hard is life. They will learn (in time) how hard it is to parent. They may or may not find heart for you. We, you and I, did the best we could at the time. The acceptance we need, comes from us. Not anybody else. I was hard on my own mother who died 6 years ago. We reconciled 20 years before her death, but oh how I wish I had had more time with her. Life is a cruel teacher. First of all, your kids stories are only beginning to be written. Your relationships with them are likely to turn around, as did my own with my mother. Your kids will change and mature. Those who are floundering may well turn things around. But the thing is, we are left with ourselves. To find and make lives with meaning. To turn our energies and our attention to mending ourselves. Finding wholeness. People do this regardless of their circumstances, or health, or money. They do it by seeking activities and purpose and people, who affirm them. They pray. They meditate. They do art. All kinds of things. I know slightly a man who works at the library. He volunteers. He's about 85 or 86. About every.single.thing in his life, this man is thrilled. He believes he aced everything in life. It's his outlook. He is not a braggart. What he is, is an optimist. He is positive. He spent half an hour telling me about his puzzle room. His stamp collection. His massive library. Not only in his living room. But he built what he calls an auxiliary room. He plays bridge. He travels. I don't think he ever had children. And I doubt he married. He spends his life doing things that are fun and interesting to him. He is thrilled with his life. He is now a model for me. I don't think change for you will come from any change of mind of your children. Which is not to say that they won't change how they feel and treat you. But that won't change how you feel about yourself. Not really. Real and true value comes from within. With a change of mind and outlook. You may think I am foolish. But I am not. Your kids have their lives now. They are free to think or believe whatever they choose about you and any other thing. And you are free to let them. And to let it go. it sounds that at least a couple of your children are toxic to be around. At least for you. Why not stop seeking something that is not there? What do they have to offer to you? It sounds like not much. Let them be. Love them from afar. But decide to love yourself. And to accept yourself. Try. Who cares what they think or say? It's you that matters, now. What we give to ourselves and to others, with an open heart, is what counts, now. [/QUOTE]
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