A "mother" thorn in my side

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by klmno, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Actually, I don't know if I should feel pity, anger, or nothing. Some of you might remember the role she played in stirring my bro up when he filed for custody of difficult child. I doubt many are aware of the VERY poor choices she made when I was a kid, that lead me to being raped. But more might remember that she has called me going off about how she is "going to start making phone calls to difficult child's GAL and anyone else in town because I have kept difficult child away from her and SHE has grandparents' rights". Ok, never mind that I had already told her that difficult child was incarcerated in Department of Juvenile Justice- she was going to write me out of her will, all difficult child's issues are my fault (aren't they always?), and she's going to stir up all sorts of ****.

    Then, she gradually starts emailing and so forth again. She subtly mentioned that she had been having a pnaic attack- but it was my fault because she was so worried about difficult child. I told her, repetitively that she was wwelcome to come here and I would take her to see difficult child. (She lives out of state and would never be able to find him on her own.) She said she would not be coming, which of course hurt difficult child's feelings. Then she would write him saying she wished he could visit her and can't wait until he's released so he can visit her. I told her that he will be on house arrest, in school and on parole. But again, she was welcome to come here. Again, she said she would not be able to.

    Then, I tell her I might be getting a job in HI- I had to because the security officer might call her. She said her phone is out of service. I got this letter today. She said that because of this incident at Ft. Hood, I should understand why she called in a panic (she's always had panic attacks) when I was in the navy (25 years ago)- she was worried something like that could have happened. Oh boy, I'm thinking this is a pre-cursor to how things will be if difficult child and I go to HI. Anyway, she's talking about selling her house and moving to a different state and she's sorry she won't be able to see difficult child, but it's really the phone calls she misses from him anyway. (I'm thinking ok- but how about the way you lead difficult child and me to believe that you can't stand not seeing him and now you're just saying too bad difficult child, go to HI, I only miss phone calls from you. Never mind that she hasn't been here in 3 years- I've been the one to take difficult child to visit her but I can't ALWAYS do that.)

    She wrote a letter to difficult child and said "you must really be looking forward to the holidays- I made you some of your favorite food and have it in the freezer. I guess I'll get it to you somehow. I sure wish I could see you." Now, she knows he is in Department of Juvenile Justice and will be most likely until Feb.

    I hurt for difficult child because I feel she leads him to think that she really wants to be a part of his life, but never really cares enough to do anything other than call me and panic on me when she doesn't get her way. I have always been her scapegoat and the one she talks about to get attention. Fine. I'm even fine, and I thinnk difficult child would be, if she really wants to be that detached and we can all live without her "stuff". But then why call me and threaten to call difficult child's GAL and stir up stuff when it seems clear to me, this isn't about her missing difficult child so much? I can get over my hurt- I have had years of experience with her. But to hurt difficult child's feelings by giving him lip service about loving him so much and wanting to see him so bad when she really "only misses a phone call", I think is just uncalled for.

    Am I the only one that views her actions as being motivated by getting attention and finding another way to lash out and threaten me (when she calls in a panic about difficult child, so she is about to call his GAL and everyone else because she is so worried about him and I am keeping him away from her), rather than really being motivated by love for difficult child? To me, if I loved my grandchild enough to call and threaten about grandparents' rights and was worried so much that I felt compelled to call half the authority figures in town, I would think this would be a child that I would find a way to visit if it was impossible for him to visit me for at least a year. And if I didn't want to visit that badly, I sure wouldn't be leading the child/teen to believe that I did and I would not be threatening to stir up stuff for him and his parent over not having enough contact with him or being worried that the parent wasn't doing enough.
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Let me tell you, this woman sounds so much like my mom it isnt funny. My mom called so many people about me I think they had a FBI file on her labeled NUT JOB! Actually she called and wrote them about a quarter of the population in America I think so I wasnt alone in her wrath.

    NC doesnt have grandparent rights so she is pooped out of luck even if you live in VA, she lives in NC. Nanny nanny boo boo. I dont feel for her but it hoovers for me...sigh. I would go to the ends of the earth for mine. If I said I had a favorite food in the freezer, it would darned well be there and if I had to crawl to get it to them, I would.

    I dont know, I dont understand people anymore.
  3. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    She just sounds sadly bitter to me. And perhaps "entitled". As in, give me what i want, how I want it, or you can be punished and I will tell you HOW I would love to punish you. I know what it is like to deal with someone like that. it hoovers!

    I think it is a shame for your difficult child. But sadly, all too common. (((hugs)))
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Entitled- oh, yeah! She has always been that way. And she lacks the ability (or at least she doesn't show it) to be able to empathize with others. And my bro, who is not her bio-son and only lived with her from 2yo-8yo part time, is EXACTLY like her without the panic attacks. At least I think he's pretty much out of the picture now.

    I wish we had a relationship that would survive if she came to HI and lived with us. I know it wouldn't work though so I haven't brought it up- and she wouldn't do it anyway. I can survive the phone calls of panic I'll most likely get from her there, but it would still bother me if something happened to her after difficult child hasn't seen her for so long and we most likely would not be able to afford to come back here for a very long time, even to visit. And of course, I doubt she will come there to visit us. It will be that "I took difficult child out there and moved him so far away just to keep him away from her and I wouldn''t even let him see her before we went". difficult child is mature enough now though that he can see some of this himself. She wrote him directly saying she "could not" come up here to visit him. He just wrote her back and said he understood but I saw the hurt on his face when he told me about it.