a new wrinkle

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by antsmom, Mar 18, 2007.

  1. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    <span style='font-family: Century Gothic'>ant called me yesterday. he said he cannot get an apartment as his credit record is bad. (true) no one will let him sign a lease. after ckg the story, I find this is true. ant apologized and said he will behave and pleaaase let him stay. working is not the issue, the issue is disrespect and compliance with house rules. I told him I refuse to have a war in my home like things used to be. I also told him I will think this over and talk it over with boyfriend before deciding what can be done next. Kaleb is still at my house as well for the next two or three weeks.

    I can throw ant out, but not Kaleb for sure. not sure if ant will be better now knowing he cannot simply get his own place until he establishes some credit and pays off bad debts still out there. he had tried but cannot even get a credit card. his other option would be to get a roommate with good credit to sign a lease.

    will mull it over today </span>
  2. On_Call

    On_Call New Member


    Good luck with your decision. I know you are torn. Of course, you cannot throw Kaleb out of your house. Maybe Ant "gets it"? I would leave an open end on my decision and give it a few days to see how things go.

    More hugs coming your way.
  3. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>Janet, as long as Ant does what he should, then go with it. He learns different than an average young man.(so does my difficult child) Most people know you can't rent an apt. without credit before the they burn the bridge behind him. He learned it after.
    Taking care of Kaleb is full of potholes. Making sure the child is not in danger and has what he needs is different than being the primary caretaker. At some point this will be a source of conflict. Ant(and most difficult child's) will say in the heat of the moment that "this is my child and you have no say" as he removes Kaleb to another state, home, girlfriend etc. The problem is that Kaleb is torn from the only thing he knows as home. You have your heart torn out as your sacrifice and effort is dismissed.
    I would think long and hard and project into the future how you want the relationship with grandson to look.
    Ant needs to be going to pediatrician and taking care of kaleb's primary needs with you as a safety net.
    I wouldn't have a problem of helping Ant understand how he shoots himself in the foot and how he hurts you when he is unappreciative and mean. If he learns and goes back to being the man he should to be then I would probably go forward. Some point it will be enough or your own life will take another path and he will have to be cut loose.
    Anyhow that's how I see it from my seat.
    The other side is that you assume you are the primary caretaker and always will be. This isn't a bad thing. It's just a choice. Some grandmother's are happy and comfortable with that choice and some aren't. It's up to you.</span>
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What is the biggest "problem" about Ant living at home?

    Is it that he wants females to sleep over at times? Is there any reason he cannot get a motel room on a saturday nite if he so chooses for this activity if he asks you ahead of time to babysit Kaleb? I can understand that he would want to do this because he is a young man. While our situation is somewhat different than yours in that Cory and Lindsey are together and live with us, they do sometimes leave the baby with us to go out. We dont mind if they ask first. We just had her for a weekend so they could go to the beach.

    We dont allow drinking here either.
  5. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Janet, I am sorry for this new development. You deserve respect in your own home. Ant has put you through much he has no business disrespecting you. (((HUGS))) -RM
  6. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think it is important for Ant to evaluate what changed. I say if he can come up with a reason that things changed at your home, and have a plan to not let things change again - even if it includes you letting him know that it is starting - that is a huge step forward to independence. Yes, he would still be living with you, but if he can learn how to identify when he is losing control...BIG to making forward strides in my humble opinion.

    Nobody said Ant would not need help still. He missed alot of learning.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I can't add anything that hasn't already been said... I'm sending supportive and clarifying thoughts your way.
  8. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Decisions, decisions.......they are so hard sometimes. Ya know, you can make a decision, and reserve the right to change your mind!
  9. oceans

    oceans New Member

    It sounds like he will need to follow some rules if he is to live with you while he rebuilds his credit and life. Good Luck!!!
  10. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    :warrior: :sad: So very sorry, my friend.

    I agree, the chemicals are what blows his mind. I also agree, not calling the PO. If you are interested, I can ask my difficult child to reach out. Might not do any good, but with ant's lack of sponsor, perhaps a word from a kid who's been in ant's shoes couldn't hurt either.

    Many strong prayers for ant and gentle (((Hugs))) for you.

  11. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Oh Janet, it never ends, does it!

    Honestly, I haven't got any words of wisdom for you. I just wanted to tell you that I care, and send you a hug.

    Love, Esther
  12. WhymeMom?

    WhymeMom? No real answers to life..

    <span style='font-family: Comic Sans MS'> Thinking of you and your family. I have no words of wisdom to offer, but your instincts have served you well so far and that is what I would go with. My son has been out for five months and is not living with us. I just hope he can stay away from alcohol. He doesn't have a high paying job so I'm hoping he realizes he doesn't have enough $$$ to buy liquor. Hope ant can figure out his life....</span>

  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Tough decisions. Keeping you in my thoughts.
  14. judi

    judi Active Member

    Janet - I had to laugh when you wrote that Ant thought he could just go out and rent a place. My son, too never thinks about consequences.

    I too am a grandmother who is helping to raise my grandson (difficult child's son). It is a conscious decision that husband and I have made because its the right thing to do. We are extremely blessed to be able to afford this and I truly believe that if you are given a lot, it is your job to share it.
  15. hearthope

    hearthope New Member


    Maybe the plan is for Ant to move on!?! He is living with you and working for your boyfriend, maybe it's time for you to be able to live for yourself.

    I have always thought you were so strong and so unmoving in your love for your son. I joined this board when you were fighting to get Ant back to your county.

    Maybe, it's time for Ant to move own. regardless of him drinking, maybe he needs to suffer the consequences and pay his own way.
    I understand his credit being bad, but there is always a way were there is a will. There are places owned by indiviuals that will work with Ant, he has to find them.

    I am sorry he has changed, but maybe this is what needs to happen for him to be able to move on.

    Stay strong, demand respect!! Know that we are all here behind you.
  16. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member


    Just replied on your other post!

    Continued prayers and hugs,
    Vickie :angel:
  17. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    boyfriend and I discussed things and decided we will go on a day to day basis with ant, and encourage him to continue to seek other housing and establish credit.

    meanwhile ant is acting like nothing happened. (his dad used to do the same..be ignorant and vile and then act like nothing happened to begin with) only diff is that ant apologized and promised to behave.

    he and boyfriend went off to work and I have Kaleb. this morning my mother called and told me off for a long time, telling me that ant needs my help, I should never leave for the weekends to boyfriend's house, that is my grandson and I should take care of him and ant. I reminded her I was out on my own with no help from age 18. ant is 23.

    she said I keep my house too clean and should ignore the messes they make, and pitch in and pay for their food and upkeep because they are my family.

    ugh and barf.

    I told her if I do not leave on weekends I will lose my boyfriend and my mind. I told her ant is old enough to be on his own and well...I could go on and on ...but then I would waste time and truly...I am talking to a brick wall as she is totally against me 99.99% of my life.

    so...even if it seems I am a total bee-achh...I am going to demand respect and compliance to house rules.
  18. Liahona

    Liahona Active Member

    Kill two birds with one stone. Send ant to live with her! Ant would be out of your house and she'd be realizing what a pain ant is and how right you are. :wink:

    Good for you when you demand respect. No one should have their grown son talk to them like ant talks to you. Seems like ant is playing your mom against you.
  19. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>ROFL. I agree with emilyislost. Send Ant to grandmothers. People who know exactly how you should raise your children and handle your marriage make me crazy.
    Don't give up your life. Help ant and other son as much as you feel comfortable doing. Forcing yourself to put yourself last ends up making you be a victim and a martyr. Not someplace most of us want to be. You aren't letting anyone get neglected,hungry or out in the cold. Mom needs to support and give workable suggestions. </span>
  20. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    sigh...thanks for those words. just what I needed. my mom does not even allow anyone to move one pillow off her couch, she has nearly zero visitors because everyone has to be so controlled.

    sadly our mothers can hurt us the most at times. she has no clue. she knows dang well I have supported ant so long. I know he talked to her. my mom was the one who taught me to be a martyr/victim from day one. it took me to age 50 to cut that off.

    boyfriend had the same suggestion to let her have him live there. I didnt have the kahoones to say that to her. I am sticking to the same scenario. ant will mind me while we find housing or he can leave.