A Newbie.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dalyce, Jul 23, 2014.

  1. dalyce

    dalyce New Member

    Hi,

    I found this site yesterday. I'm in Australia but it seems my problem is world wide. I'm at a desperate and very stressed stage in my 8 year struggle with my son. It's a long story, his father and I divorced when he was very young. I was a single parent for a few years until I met my husband. He treated and accepted my son as his own for 13 years, until he started drinking heavily. He physically and verbally abused my son and I the last 12 months of his life. He died due to alcohol abuse 7 years ago.
    My son never settled, in fact, instead of sticking together he was determined to smoke weed. I sent him to live with his father for a while hoping he'd quit the weed. He didn't. I met someone new and moved in with him and his children about 5 years ago. We let my son move in too. He was warned about bringing drugs to our home. He did it anyway plus stole alcohol and money from us. We kicked him out about 3 years ago. It was a terrible decision but it had to happen.
    Since then he's nearly gone to jail and continues to smoke.
    Since he was 16 he has had a violent temper. He's smashed holes in walls, kicked doors in and continually abused me. Looking back I know it's all been drugs. He lives by himself but won't work and won't admit he has a drug problem. Now he wants to move back in I refused. He also asked his father who also refused. We've both been burnt too many times.
    I visit my son every fortnight and buy him food and help pay his rent. I don't give him cash anymore.I've done everything I could to help him stay housed and fed. But I've been trying to step back and let him get himself right. He has access to a free counselling service near where he lives who specialise in troubled youth with drug problems or depression. He won't go. He refuses to admit he has a problem.
    My son has been sending me messages full of hate and anger. His favourite is blaming his dead step Dad for his anger and depression.. Telling me I don't give a :censored2:, with many many sentence enhancers thrown in (swearing). Now he's telling me he might just kill himself....he'll f...ing show me. Now I feel sick because I haven't been able to contact him since yesterday. He's threatened this before. I'm at my wits end. He lives 2 hours away from me.
    I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.
     
  2. lostmyson

    lostmyson Member

    So sorry you are going thru this. I am fairly new here myself but advice I have been given on here when they rant and threaten suicide is to call the police. I was going thru this just last nite and last week and hoping things have calmed down today. I have also learned I have no control over his choices and am trying to let go and take my life back. So sorry you are feeling what we all are on here. What happened to our precious babies. Keep in touch here and when the more experienced bloggers awaken I am sure they wiil offer advice and some comfort. Hugs lms
     
  3. dalyce

    dalyce New Member

    Thank you. He just sent me a message. Little bugger! I think that's what hurts the most, where is that little boy who was such a pleasure to be with?
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Sorry for your hurting mommy heart.

    The first thing I'd do is refuse to read his texts or answer the phone when he calls. Set a limit. You will talk to him once a day, if he is going to be pleasant and hang up on him if he isn't. If he starts up on you about what you did or what his stepdad did or what his kissing cousin did, tell him, "I'm sorry, this conversation is over" and hang up again until he gets the message...you will only speak to him when he is being civilized. Tell him, at a time when he is giving you space to talk, that he's a smart man (don't call him a boy, he's not) and that if he wants to figure his life out, he will do it. Don't go any further than that.

    Make sure he doesn't have keys to your house. This guy sounds violent and revengeful, possibly, and you don't want to let him get inside. If he threatens to kill himself, I call the police here because they will take a suicidal person to ER against their will. I don't know how they handle it where you live. In over ten to twenty years on this board not one adult child who threatened to kill himself actually did it. There is a chance yours will..there is a chance any of ours will...but it usually used as a manipulation tool. It's like the last best threat to scare you into doing what they want you to do, like sending them money. I hope you have a similar response team in Australia so that you can know you did all you can by calling them. We can't stop our grown children from doing the worst. We have no control over that either. The young people I have known who did kill themselves told nobody of their plans. They just did it and shocked everyone.

    You have more loved ones, not just him, but these adult children can suck all the air out of a room and leave us just obessing over him while ignoring the other loved ones, friends, our hobbies, the things we love to do. Don't let him have that power over your life because you can not do a thing to control his choices. If you have Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings there, I'd go to them to get face time support and to learn to let go with love.

    Hugs and do something good for yourself TODAY :) It is best for you AND your son if you start to let go of the stranglehold his dysfunction has on you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2014
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Dalyce,

    Welcome to the board, and sorry you had to find us. MWM gave you really good advice. I don't have much to add except that you will need personal support. If possible find a group for parents of unstable or mentally ill adult program, or a 12 step program for enabling adults.
    Read Melanie Beatty's book "Co Dependant No more"
    You don't mention how old your son is, but however old he is I'm not sure why you are paying rent or buying food for some one who is abusive to you, which is what you describe. I would strongly suggest you stop rewarding his terrible treatment of you by continuing to support him. IN the long run that is doing him no favors...why would you deliver the message that he can behave like a cur and still get fed and petted? That isn't true in the animal kingdom, and isn't true in the world of adult humans...even for people who had bad childhoods.
    Nelson Mandela had a bad childhood too.
    So did a lot of the parents on the board.
    You don't deserve to be treated this way.
    Start by taking a break from his barrage. Let him now you will not be responding to his texts anymore, but that he can call you once a day this week, and once a week thereafter, at a prescribed time. Block his texts, which are abusive and inappropriate. Make some space from him for yourself. YOu will start to feel better almost immediately.
    This was a bit disjointed, but I hope you can take some steps to disengage with this man who treats you so badly. It doesn't mean you can't have contact with him, only htat you need to set some boundaries.
    So very sorry for your hurting mommy heart.
    Echo
     
  6. helpangel

    helpangel Active Member

    Welcome dalyce I'm glad you found us but sorry you needed to, I agree with many of the things MWM said. He's not a little boy anymore he's a grown man; I believe we are introduced to our children as cute cooing babies so that we don't take them out when they are rebellious teenagers... it's the memories of that sweet baby that puts a big hook into our hearts and keeps us stuck to them (and their welfare) like a fish at the end of the line. And as many of us here know they use that love we have for them to emotionally blackmail us into giving them what they want.

    My oldest uses the abuse my girls father put him thru to tug at my heart strings, also the fact that he kept me alive thru the hardest time of my life to get me to allow him to live here, and the fact is without him I'm all alone in the world trying to manage these girls of mine.

    My youngest who has been depressed since birth threatens suicide a couple times a week, when she threatens its her way of demanding attention. The couple times she has actually attempted it; I never saw it coming or suspected she was doing something so dangerous.

    The 4 people I know who have done it same thing; no threats, no warnings, no writing in the sky to anyone to send help. This is not something you can try to handle on your own, you're too close to the situation and if you coddle him he won't get the help he needs. And he will keep upping the ante until possibly there could be a tragic accident.

    Therapy and support for yourself is the first step, the only one you have control over is yourself. A counselor who can help you process and understand what he is doing will help you to not fall into the trap of reinforcing that behavior; they can also help you find good resources to direct your son to... whether he goes or not is his choice he is an adult. But it will show him that you love him enough to seek the help he needs.

    I'm sorry for the pain in your heart that he is putting on you, I can't stop that pain just urge you to get help dealing with it in a productive manner. Coming here was a great start but you need the help of a trained professional in your geographical location to help you also.

    sending hugs and positive energy your way, others will be along soon to assist you.

    Nancy
     
  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Dalyce, you are getting great words here from those who have already posted.

    My best advice for you right now today: Stop the flow of money.

    I would give him notice that the money stops _____________. And then do it.

    I'm not sure how old your son is, but it appears he is an adult. A grown man. Let him take care of himself, whatever that looks like.

    They will keep on doing what they are doing until they decide to stop and then it will be a long hard road with lots of hard work and potholes.

    But you don't have to be drug down that road, Dalyce. Get off the road, and get on your own road to peace, serenity, happiness, joy and contentment.

    It is there, waiting for you. You just have to start the work, and keep the work up.

    Warm hugs. I am so sorry. I know how much it all hurts. The hurt may not stop soon, but your thinking and your actions can start to improve today.

    You are not helpless but you are powerless. Get some help and please, start going to AlAnon meetings as soon as possible.
     
  8. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    They always have someone to blame.
    They never blame themselves or take any responsibility.
    They often create drama around themselves to force us to respond and to force us to worry about them and take notice of their 'poor little me' mentality.

    There is loads of good advice here. It's tough, but it's worth the struggle. You need to look after yourself and the rest of your family. I hope you will find this site as helpful as I have found it.
     
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Welcome Dalyce, I'm glad you found us.

    Your story is so similar to so many of ours here. You are not alone. It is a very difficult experience to be on the sidelines while our grown kids implode and/or explode. But, at this point, it is his opportunity to change his life.............or not.

    Now it's about YOU. You need to get support to be able to make these changes that become necessary for us to make. As everyone has said, stop the flow of money. Stop enabling him. You may want to read the article on detachment at the bottom of my post here. You may want to join some 12 step groups and read the book Codependent No More by Melodie Beattie.

    Do not allow your son to be abusive or disrespectful of you. Make strong boundaries around that kind of behavior. You do not deserve that. Limit the calls or block the texts or calls until he can behave appropriately towards you.

    We all have to learn a new way to deal with our troubled and often manipulative and angry and abusive adult kids. It is a new rule book. You will likely need a lot of support to learn how to cope and to learn new ways to respond.

    Hang in there. We're here if you need us. You're not alone.
     
  10. dalyce

    dalyce New Member

    Wow! What a response. Thank you for making me feel so welcome and thank you for all your advice. I know what I need to do and I will seek counselling. My son is 23. I've been reading a book called "Don't let your kids kill you" by Charles Rubin, which I've found helpful. I did seek counselling a few years back and I've been looking at a group called Eggshells who offer people like me who live on Eggshells with kids who use drugs.
    Once again thank you so much. It's makes me feel less alone with dealing with my dysfunctional son. My partner is always there for me but I'm glad I found people walking (or have walked) in my shoes.

    PS(Whats a difficult child?)
     
  11. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Dalyce, difficult child is what we semi-jokingly call our "problem" kids, which stands for gift from God, and easy child refers to our "perfect child."

    Eggshells! I LOVE that! How descriptive!

    There is a lot of great advice around this place. I think I probably owe my life (certainly my sanity) to these wise moms!
     
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