A "Puzzle"....Hmmmm

[TeDo]

Buddy asked a question in my thread about my nephew that has really gotten me thinking so I thought I'd throw something out there for anyone who dares.

I already said my baby sister is a difficult child. My mom is getting to be more of a difficult child as she ages (and I'm convinced because of a sleeping medication she CAN'T sleep without). My other sister (also younger) is a mommy's easy child with some very drastic difficult child episodes occasionally. I was a easy child (did the usual "kid stuff") for the most part. I was always afraid to tick my mom off. I responded well to "emotional punishment" although none of us were safe from spanking stick, except possibly mommy's girl. My mom was quick to believe everything negative about me and baby sister but NEVER about mommy's girl (still like that).

It took YEARS of therapy, inpatient tx, residential treatment (yes, as an adult), psychiatrists, tdocs, medications dealing with PTSD, crippling depression, crippling Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), you name it for me to get to where I am. One of my mom's biggest and most frequent statements to baby sis was "I hope some day you have kids just like you! Then you'll know how I feel!" She has an extremely easy child and a minor difficult child (made WORSE by overly-endulgent parenting but not caused by it). I on the other hand have 2 difficult child's.

Ever since Buddy asked her question, I have been wondering how on earth it ended up this way. I vowed when I was growing up NEVER to treat my kids the way I was treated. So far I have stuck to my vow, at least mine is rare where her's was a given. It just sometimes puzzles me. I guess I think too much. Anyone relate to any of this? Please don't tell me I'm some sort of anomoly!?!

 

[buddy]

I hope you know I was trying to give you a compliment! (I asked her how she became so normal with all the chaos she had described....) Since I have met you, and seen you with your difficult child's and have heard you tlaking to them on the phone and we have become friends, I was just overwhelmed for you to have so much hisotory like that.

So I think like that... do you mean do I wonder how this all happened...that I am not in a place I would have said was my "goal" ten years ago?? Or just how our family is???

I totally think of these thigns, not in a poor me way...but just interesting. My mom has said to me that Q is payback for my fussy eating at times, not in a mean way but I couldn't handle smells especially. If something smelled funny or had a speck in it, or had a weird texture, it was thrown away.

You ended up with kids who are wired differently with neurological conditions...with two of them, likely a genetic issue...and no matter what family dynamics people grow up with, everyone has a chance for that to happen. How you are handling it...how amazing your boys are???? THAT is because you are a survivor, smart, have worked through hard issues yourself, and you know what it takes. Your priorities are your boys, not "stuff" or status etc. Just MHO but I think you are great, a role model for others. If I only knew you from your posts, I would say the same... you are caring and supportive because you actually live what you talk about.

I hope you are not blushing...lol.... I really do mean it. I am so glad to know you.

 

[TeDo]

Thanks for that buddy and yes, I know it was a compliment. It just really got me thinking about how it was growing up and everything it took to get past it and how ironic it is that the I ended up with 2 difficult child's and my VERY difficult child sister ended up with one of each. It is just weird depending on how you look at it. No, I'm not blushing and I'm not in a poor me state. Personally, I think I'm holding up pretty well under the circumstances. I am living proof that I AM probably stronger because of my life. I always wished things had been different but now I wonder how and where I'd be if it had been. That just makes the "puzzle" more interesting.

 

[klmno]

Well, like most problems or issues, there are different trains of thought and different opinions. I'll share what I learned about this in hopes that those who might have other opinions will understand that this is only the theory I was taught, but I do happen to believe.

What you have described is a dysfunctional family. A dysfunctional family not only effects every member, it basicly "assigns" a role to each member of the family at such an early age that the child has no control over it. This is how it spreads from generation to generation. Every dysfunctional family has to have a "problem" child, a "good" child, a victim, a martyr, etc. This is how the family survives. Growing up and having kids of ones own, albeit determined not to pass on suffering from this, is not enough to break that cycle. Therefore, the kids will not be identical to that adult child parent because each person in that new family will start to take on these various roles. It isn't intentional, it's a learned family pattern. IOW, an adult child who was a martyr might have a child who is in a "victim" role all their life. An adult child who had been the "bad" child might very well have a easy child.

That's the brief version of this theory and obviously, only one theory. I do think this is what the juvie system tries to deal with although I think they only get a 1 hour session on it and think ordering people to change will do the trick. It won't. And most people really do have some form of dysfunction in their family so most people you deal with in life- at work, neighbors, sd, etc- are dealing with their own "roles" in life, too.

in my humble opinion, each of us just has to do the best we can to break this cycle and try not to label others or ourselves and try to establish and keep healthy expectations and boundaries in our families. It's a lot easier said than done.

 

[buddy]

I agree with you klmno, and then you add true genetic and/or neurological and/or bio chemical and/or medical conditions.... and it makes it even more of a challenge. I think that is what many of us have here. It is so complex and a tie that binds many of us here is that we did have some circumstances that maybe prepared us in some ways to handle these things a little more resourcefully than others could. It also makes some of our issues harder for us to deal with.... if it is too close to what we already struggle with (if it is not something we have worked on yet)

On the attach-china list, I remember so many moms saying they realized during attachment therapy how many attachment issues they have themselves. Our kids make us look at this stuff a little (if we are open to it I guess). I really have to explore my assertiveness, my patience, why I say "no" to things, etc... many issues left over from childhood. Yeah TeDo, it really is a puzzle and the pieces for you really fit nicely in many parts of the picture.

 

[Hound dog]

Well, hmmm. No, I don't think you're an anomaly.

As most people here know I come from a family of difficult children of varying degrees. I made a conscious decision at a very young age not to be anything like my immediate family, nor to treat my kids the way I'd been treated. My kids never experienced anything even remotely like what I had as a child. Which, of course, was my goal. Still, I have 2 difficult children, 3 if you count katie. One has to remember that genetics does play a role. As does life itself.

But my kids have all turned out ok. I'm sad to say my nieces and nephews haven't, and it's looking far worse for my great nieces and nephews. Now I'd like to believe that my kids turning out ok in the end is all my fabulous parenting.....but probably not. Although I'm sure it helped quite a lot to have a parent actively working to help them get better than to have a difficult child parent only mucking up the waters with their own issues. Know what I mean??