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A question answered about "friends"
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 294768" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I saw an interview a few years ago with Aussie actress Kerry Armstrong. Here is a link to a transcript of anoter interview when she mentioned a concept shedeveloped and then published. It could be a worthwhile exercise for you to try.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://www.abc.net.au/gnt/people/Transcripts/s983908.htm" target="_blank">http://www.abc.net.au/gnt/people/Transcripts/s983908.htm</a></p><p></p><p>We really only ever have less than a handful of good friends. I mean the people you can really rely on, the ones you would get on a plane for if they rang at any time of the day or night (because you know they would do the same for you). Somtimes it's only one person in your life. Sometimes less, but usually you will have one or two. </p><p>The more 'friends' you have, the harder it can be to find the one true friend hidden in all the dross. And depending on where you source your friends, you could find yourself overloaded with shallow 'fair weather' friends (as I think you were referring to, Linda. I do feel you on that one, been there done that in spades).</p><p></p><p>I was talking to one of my GOOD friends (I would say I have two, neither of them quite at the "get on a plane for" status but almost) and she said, "We have to remember that we are only bit players in other people's lives. And yet for us, they are all bit players, our life is our main focus."</p><p></p><p>I've mentioned before the case of someone I used to have lunch with on a regular basis. Most days, then once a week on Tuesdays, we would meet for lunch. In winter she would come to the lunchroom in our department which we often had to ourselves, it was luxurious wirth its own kitchen. I would cook a quick stir-fry of fresh vegetables I had bought on the way to work that morning. On other days we would go shopping in the city. We would arrange ahead of time. Then a bloke came into her life - fair enough. But if it had been me, I would have known that I had four lunches out of the five in each week in which to go have lunch with him, Or I would have brought him along for a stir-fry and maybe gone for a walk with just him afterwards.</p><p>I would at least have telephoned withenough notice before lunch to say I wasn't coming for lunch. She didn't. It got so I took to leaving for my lunch break five minutes late, waiting for her phone call, so I wouldn't be cooking twice as much as I could eat.</p><p></p><p>I was very angry with her - I knew what was happening. He would turn up at her office door as she was heading out for lunch and take her arm and whisk her off somewhere. Very romantic. It's what happens. </p><p></p><p>It's typical of a desperate female, unfortunately. Because for a wself-confident woman, surely a bloke worth his salt will value a woman who considers her obligations and arrangements? And if he turns up to take her out and she says, "Sorry, I'm booked already," he will be MORE likely to put in more effort and plan ahead with her? At least respect her for her sense of duty. Especially if she says, "You can come too if you like."</p><p></p><p>Then there is the bloke in the case who is possessive and controlling, who deliberately encourages the women in his life to cut off contact with girlfriends. I'm not certain that happened in this case back then, but it has happened since.</p><p></p><p>I know all this sounds like sour grapes, because whenever this bloke was on leave or away on assignment, my friend was there for lunch without fail (and actually turned up a couple of times when I hadn't prepared anything, not expecting her to be there). </p><p></p><p>The thing is, I knew her and was resigned to the fact that she unfortunately behaved like this - a sort of mutual understanding between females that OF COURSE when a bloke crooks his finger, you drop your girlfriends (who OF COURSE must understand, they're all desperate females, aren't they?) and go off with the guy because who knows when/if you will ever get another chance?</p><p></p><p>Tragic. Utterly tragic.</p><p></p><p>The big key to all this - become self-sufficient in your own head. Surround yourself with interesting people and in doing so, become interesting yourself. Do not NEED anyone nor associate too closely with people who do. Find yourself an interesting hobby which occasionally brings you into conatact with like-mindedpeople. Your friendship may only ever intersect on that hobby level, but that's OK. You never know - there could be someone there who has other interests which also overlap your own. But if not - it doens't matter. </p><p></p><p>And NEVER drop everything, hobbies, interests, friends or whatever - for a man. Or any other person. I've seen women do this with other women also. My best friend (the one I mentioned before) used to hang around with another female frined (nothing lesbian in it) and tihs other women did everything she could to sabotage any other friendships. I could see it happening by my friend couldn't. Instead she felt sorry for the woman andtried to help. Which of course only made that other woman more resentful of her and more determined to do her harm. That other woman became my first internet stalker, purely to antagonise me and try to destroy the friendship. And because I was friends with her 'friend', I had to be destroyed also.</p><p></p><p>But the same as for my lunch friend - whenever I was visiting my friend (or had arranged to) and her 'friend' rang up with plans, anyting organsied with me was gone out the window. it is tihs tendency in my best friend which limits my wilkingness to get on a plane and go anywhere if she asked - I know in the past she has let me down, even though she was burned by this and realised she was investing in a friendship which was toxic.</p><p></p><p>And that's the thing - how do you ever know if a relationship is toxic?</p><p></p><p>I think the woman who rang you is potentially toxic. </p><p>My best friend collects 'lame ducks' and almost be definition, a lot of them risk being toxic. Why is a person a lame duck in the first place? What makes a person, an adult, so needy? Sometimes crud happens, of course. People get sick, they get injured, so we bake them a casserole. But when a person is ALWAYS breaking something or always getting sick, you start to question. Sometimes the answer is, "this person has had a bad run," and you keep helping. But osmetimes you realise - this person is engineering to be needy. In which case - walk away from the relationship, it is all take and no give.</p><p></p><p>You probably have toxic people in your life already. I think we all do. And peoplewho are professionally needy. Their survival depends on getting sympathy from others which in turn enables them to continue to be needy. I do get very impatient with such people - in the stream of life we must swim our best, not tread water and grab at swimmers going past.</p><p></p><p>Look at your 'friend'. How does she dress? How does she do her hair and make-up? How does she talk? If you see anachronisms reminiscent of a bygone time (and I mean a time she lived through - easy child 2/difficult child 2 dresses as if it's te Victorian era but that is different) then chances are, that person is somewhere in her life 'stuck' at that era. </p><p>Example - a woman I know wears frilly pink dresses and bows in her hair. Flat shoes with short socks folded down. She is over 50. She even has a little girl lisp sometimes. I often wonder - what happened in her life when she was 8 years old, to have her locked away inside as she is? She does wear make-up - 50s style cats eye eliner, but not in a heavy way. definitely inexpertly applied.</p><p>I know her father was a violent, abusive man. I know she is particularly empathic to women who report having been sexually abused in childhood. But the way she seems locked in to childhood as she is, if abuse happened she has not fully dleat with it.</p><p>And emotioanlly needy? Good grief, she's a shocker. Mood swings, self-blame, "I'm an awful person" then the sun comes out and everything is brittle-happy. Not bipolar because the highs are not major, they're clearly an artificial layer she puts on like an old pear-buttoned twinset. </p><p>She's not a friend, but neither is she an enemy. I will listen to her sometimes but she rarely REALLY talks (which is whiy I tihnk she's so locked in to her past). Very needy. Very. Life hasn't been kind Occupational Therapist (OT) her - but it hasn't been as tragic as she seems to see it either (at least, the life of hers as I have observed it). She doesn't travel well, I guess I'm trying to say. And if it's because she's loaded down with baggage from her past - that could explain it. Until she sheds that baggage she can't move forward and grow.</p><p></p><p>Very sad, but I can't help her until she cna see it for herself. And I think now it's too painful for her to see it. So she lutches form crisis Occupational Therapist (OT) crisis, leaning on whoever will be there to pat her on the shoulder and validate her struggle (which aloows her to continue to not deal with things).</p><p></p><p>Sometimes you have to walk away. It isn't cruel to do so, it's not wrong. it just is.</p><p></p><p>You're not alone in this.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 294768, member: 1991"] I saw an interview a few years ago with Aussie actress Kerry Armstrong. Here is a link to a transcript of anoter interview when she mentioned a concept shedeveloped and then published. It could be a worthwhile exercise for you to try. [url]http://www.abc.net.au/gnt/people/Transcripts/s983908.htm[/url] We really only ever have less than a handful of good friends. I mean the people you can really rely on, the ones you would get on a plane for if they rang at any time of the day or night (because you know they would do the same for you). Somtimes it's only one person in your life. Sometimes less, but usually you will have one or two. The more 'friends' you have, the harder it can be to find the one true friend hidden in all the dross. And depending on where you source your friends, you could find yourself overloaded with shallow 'fair weather' friends (as I think you were referring to, Linda. I do feel you on that one, been there done that in spades). I was talking to one of my GOOD friends (I would say I have two, neither of them quite at the "get on a plane for" status but almost) and she said, "We have to remember that we are only bit players in other people's lives. And yet for us, they are all bit players, our life is our main focus." I've mentioned before the case of someone I used to have lunch with on a regular basis. Most days, then once a week on Tuesdays, we would meet for lunch. In winter she would come to the lunchroom in our department which we often had to ourselves, it was luxurious wirth its own kitchen. I would cook a quick stir-fry of fresh vegetables I had bought on the way to work that morning. On other days we would go shopping in the city. We would arrange ahead of time. Then a bloke came into her life - fair enough. But if it had been me, I would have known that I had four lunches out of the five in each week in which to go have lunch with him, Or I would have brought him along for a stir-fry and maybe gone for a walk with just him afterwards. I would at least have telephoned withenough notice before lunch to say I wasn't coming for lunch. She didn't. It got so I took to leaving for my lunch break five minutes late, waiting for her phone call, so I wouldn't be cooking twice as much as I could eat. I was very angry with her - I knew what was happening. He would turn up at her office door as she was heading out for lunch and take her arm and whisk her off somewhere. Very romantic. It's what happens. It's typical of a desperate female, unfortunately. Because for a wself-confident woman, surely a bloke worth his salt will value a woman who considers her obligations and arrangements? And if he turns up to take her out and she says, "Sorry, I'm booked already," he will be MORE likely to put in more effort and plan ahead with her? At least respect her for her sense of duty. Especially if she says, "You can come too if you like." Then there is the bloke in the case who is possessive and controlling, who deliberately encourages the women in his life to cut off contact with girlfriends. I'm not certain that happened in this case back then, but it has happened since. I know all this sounds like sour grapes, because whenever this bloke was on leave or away on assignment, my friend was there for lunch without fail (and actually turned up a couple of times when I hadn't prepared anything, not expecting her to be there). The thing is, I knew her and was resigned to the fact that she unfortunately behaved like this - a sort of mutual understanding between females that OF COURSE when a bloke crooks his finger, you drop your girlfriends (who OF COURSE must understand, they're all desperate females, aren't they?) and go off with the guy because who knows when/if you will ever get another chance? Tragic. Utterly tragic. The big key to all this - become self-sufficient in your own head. Surround yourself with interesting people and in doing so, become interesting yourself. Do not NEED anyone nor associate too closely with people who do. Find yourself an interesting hobby which occasionally brings you into conatact with like-mindedpeople. Your friendship may only ever intersect on that hobby level, but that's OK. You never know - there could be someone there who has other interests which also overlap your own. But if not - it doens't matter. And NEVER drop everything, hobbies, interests, friends or whatever - for a man. Or any other person. I've seen women do this with other women also. My best friend (the one I mentioned before) used to hang around with another female frined (nothing lesbian in it) and tihs other women did everything she could to sabotage any other friendships. I could see it happening by my friend couldn't. Instead she felt sorry for the woman andtried to help. Which of course only made that other woman more resentful of her and more determined to do her harm. That other woman became my first internet stalker, purely to antagonise me and try to destroy the friendship. And because I was friends with her 'friend', I had to be destroyed also. But the same as for my lunch friend - whenever I was visiting my friend (or had arranged to) and her 'friend' rang up with plans, anyting organsied with me was gone out the window. it is tihs tendency in my best friend which limits my wilkingness to get on a plane and go anywhere if she asked - I know in the past she has let me down, even though she was burned by this and realised she was investing in a friendship which was toxic. And that's the thing - how do you ever know if a relationship is toxic? I think the woman who rang you is potentially toxic. My best friend collects 'lame ducks' and almost be definition, a lot of them risk being toxic. Why is a person a lame duck in the first place? What makes a person, an adult, so needy? Sometimes crud happens, of course. People get sick, they get injured, so we bake them a casserole. But when a person is ALWAYS breaking something or always getting sick, you start to question. Sometimes the answer is, "this person has had a bad run," and you keep helping. But osmetimes you realise - this person is engineering to be needy. In which case - walk away from the relationship, it is all take and no give. You probably have toxic people in your life already. I think we all do. And peoplewho are professionally needy. Their survival depends on getting sympathy from others which in turn enables them to continue to be needy. I do get very impatient with such people - in the stream of life we must swim our best, not tread water and grab at swimmers going past. Look at your 'friend'. How does she dress? How does she do her hair and make-up? How does she talk? If you see anachronisms reminiscent of a bygone time (and I mean a time she lived through - easy child 2/difficult child 2 dresses as if it's te Victorian era but that is different) then chances are, that person is somewhere in her life 'stuck' at that era. Example - a woman I know wears frilly pink dresses and bows in her hair. Flat shoes with short socks folded down. She is over 50. She even has a little girl lisp sometimes. I often wonder - what happened in her life when she was 8 years old, to have her locked away inside as she is? She does wear make-up - 50s style cats eye eliner, but not in a heavy way. definitely inexpertly applied. I know her father was a violent, abusive man. I know she is particularly empathic to women who report having been sexually abused in childhood. But the way she seems locked in to childhood as she is, if abuse happened she has not fully dleat with it. And emotioanlly needy? Good grief, she's a shocker. Mood swings, self-blame, "I'm an awful person" then the sun comes out and everything is brittle-happy. Not bipolar because the highs are not major, they're clearly an artificial layer she puts on like an old pear-buttoned twinset. She's not a friend, but neither is she an enemy. I will listen to her sometimes but she rarely REALLY talks (which is whiy I tihnk she's so locked in to her past). Very needy. Very. Life hasn't been kind Occupational Therapist (OT) her - but it hasn't been as tragic as she seems to see it either (at least, the life of hers as I have observed it). She doesn't travel well, I guess I'm trying to say. And if it's because she's loaded down with baggage from her past - that could explain it. Until she sheds that baggage she can't move forward and grow. Very sad, but I can't help her until she cna see it for herself. And I think now it's too painful for her to see it. So she lutches form crisis Occupational Therapist (OT) crisis, leaning on whoever will be there to pat her on the shoulder and validate her struggle (which aloows her to continue to not deal with things). Sometimes you have to walk away. It isn't cruel to do so, it's not wrong. it just is. You're not alone in this. Marg [/QUOTE]
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