A relationship with-o them driving me nuts?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Jen, Mar 13, 2007.

  1. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I know now that I am officially over the hill when all I wish for is peace and quiet, living our lives happilly but seperate from our kids issues.

    I am paying the price for having too much of a reign in my kids lives, but even if I tell them to leave me out of the problems and issues, they keep coming back for more.

    My easy child daughter leaves for boot camp in about 10 days. I still have mixed emotions on that one. She is leaving behind her husband and 2 yrold son. Some of her reasonings for their future makes sense, but I cannot help but feel she is still being selfish in the choice she has made, to alleviate the stress she been under, but not having anything to do with her son. My sister in law and grandchild will be living with us for 6 months until they post her, and maybe longer if she is directly deployed. It will be hard but good for my grandson. My sister in law is good with him, but his assertiveness, his gift to talk, and to think, and act for himself is the pace of a snail.

    Anyway , they are in debt and will be in the cleear ion a month, but she thinks they should have a brand new car, that would include the diffference tacked on of the old car. They are just taking over the payments this months since she is done with school, and they payments will double! Up to now, they have been poor managers of money she tries, but spends, he just doesnt take an interest. She wanted a co signer again and we said no. She accepted it but it is just the fact she came to us in the first place. We have done so much, she acknowledges it, but more and more and more they want. They even went to his Aunt that they already borrowed from, adn aske for cosigning help. What is up with this?

    My difficult child son is in his constant cycle of wanting more, spending more, not happy with what he has, and exhausting us with all his stories, lies, adn manipulations. We hjave handled it well so far, but really I am so tired of the way he is. I can and never wil be able to relate to the way he is. He wants us to listen, but he does not accept that he could use professional, and medicinal help. He and his wife just had a baby, this makes 4 for him, and he is Occupational Therapist (OT) even 23. He gives support money when he is willing to part with his money. Now yes he is supposedly working, but ai think he purposely doesnt tell his employers about the support withdraw until Child support services threatens him. He recently did his income tas, only to find out he wasnt going to claim his Collefe money for personal use, tell them he has back owed child support. Well the tax place is the same one I go to , so they figured that all out. It will be straightend out but in the meantime it is all their fault that it is now going to take twice as long to get the tax money back, and it is the tax firms fault?

    Yeah I hear detach, and want to, they just invade. Short of restraining orders that then just attracts police more which I dont want, nothing else to do.

    Thanks for letting me vent.

  2. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I cant beleive it my daughter calls me twice to nag me about this car. Now her husband doesnt have a job set for when they get back here, she doesnt get her first paycheck until mid April, and their income tax got all messed up so now they have to waite another 2 weeks for that to show.

    I told her NO cause even though I co signed for the first, and I would for the second (which would be a replacement car), I will not agree to make the car payments double in cost. So, she basically tried all those guilt trip issues on me, and that didnt fly, then she called me a :censored2: and hung up on me, then the next time she told me that once she is out of the service, maybe we wont see our Grandson as much because I said NO.

    Wow, I know that maybe it is to impossible to think your life with your family today could be anything like what you grew up knowing, but this is so disheartening and disappointing. It makes me just want to say F... to all and leave.

    Maybe going into the military is just what she needs, sad to say. He r marriage is on the rocks, per say. One minute it is good then the next not, and to this day for the past 3 months she doesnt wear her wedding ring, and it is not any of my business, she tells me.

    I did not bring up my kids to be this way, and I am not going to settle for anything less, but in the meantime, I wish they would just leave me alone. Seriously, if I could put my happiness before the sensible things like dont give up your job, work for that pensions and retiremnt I would tell my husband lets pack it up and leave.

  3. kris

    kris New Member

    <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style='font-size: 14pt'> <span style="color: #663366"> .....and i have even more good news for you. if your son has a legal child support assessment he won't see his tax return unless it exceeds the amount of back child support he owes. the government automatically attaches it just like they do if you have outstanding student loans.

    next time daughter calls about the car co sign....hang up. don't even discuss it with-her. she's not going to keep your grandson away from you....she's too dependant on you for that. maybe her stint in the military WILL be a good thing for her. teach her something about real responsibility.

    sorry they're driving you nutz.

    </span> </span> </span>
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> .....and i have even more good news for you. if your son has a legal child support assessment he won't see his tax return unless it exceeds the amount of back child support he owes. the government automatically attaches it just like they do if you have outstanding student loans.</div></div>

    Kris is right. husband was out of work for a long time years ago making it impossible to pay child support for stepgfg during that time. Believe me, they took our taxes til all that money was paid up in full.

    I've just gotten into practice with telling my kids "no". I've been learning many new ways to say it. lol AND I've learned not to volunteer to do anything. Yep finally learned to keep my mouth shut. lmao

    easy child has been telling me how horribly her mother in law has hurt her back. Her mother in law is the one who took over for me sitting for grandson Darrin on the nights easy child and her husband both work. Evidently mother in law is in pretty darn bad shape...ruptured disc, horrid pain, ect. Two weeks ago easy child asked if I could watch Darrin 1 night while she worked. I promptly said nope I had a big test. (I did 5 chapters) So for the past couple of weeks all I've heard is how bad her mother in law has it....

    I keep my big mouth shut. (normally I'd have volunteered to help watch Darrin) I do empathise with easy child's mother in law. Not a fun condition to have. But this is between easy child and the mother in law. Not me. I told easy child back at the beginning of this school quarter that I wasn't sitting for Darrin anymore. easy child took this 3rd shift job knowing full well the problems it causes with babysitting.

    However I did tell her I would cover if the mother in law needed me to for 2 days during my spring break. No biggie there. I was going to have Darrin sleep over at Nana's house anyway. I can just time it to help easy child and mother in law out at the same time.

    I discovered quickly, easy child or difficult child, your kids will continue to lean on you as the parent once they leave home if you let them. Not all kids, but most will. easy child did it with me. T is doing his best at present to do it. And I'm already making plans to try to prevent it with N, while still helping her go to school.

    If you don't want to co-sign for this loan, don't co-sign. You don't need a reason. easy child found out fast I refuse to co-sign for any reason. She was mad and hurt. I just kept repeating if she needed a co-signer then she didn't need the house/car she wanted, nor could she afford it. And I flat out and told her as hard as her Dad and I've had it over the years we never dreamed of asking our parents to co-sign a loan for us. (well husband did, but I wouldn't let him)

    It didn't take her long to get over it. And eventually she found both a house and a newer car that was within her price range and didn't need a co-signer.

    Many young people don't realize that their parents didn't start out as comfortable as they are at the time when their kids are leaving home. That alot of hard work and such went in to acheiving that standard of living.
  5. AliceLee

    AliceLee New Member

    Jen, maybe you could use caller ID and quit taking their calls for a week or so. Maybe they'll get the message.

    There's also a great list of ways to say "NO" called "Let's Brainstorm and Make a List" in the parent emeritus archives on this site.

    This generation is the "ME" generation and they want it "NOW!" (not just the difficult child's...)