a small vent

[GinAndTonic]

This is really minor, but I have to get it off my chest or else it'll just grow and grow. Anyway... I have a friend who has a child the same age as my difficult child. My friend is pretty self-righteous -- very into her particular form of child-rearing, diet, politics, childhood education, etc. I like her anyway, and she knows she's a bit much sometimes.

She does _not_ approve of my decision to try medication for my difficult child. She asks questions about it all the time. A few days ago she asked if there were other "medicated kids" in his class.

"Medicated kids." Because that's his defining characteristic, right?

Oh, I can't explain it, but it just makes me mad.

 

[looking4hope]

Yes, there are those parents out there. As a teacher, I see kids who desperately need medication and therapy, and their parents refuse to provide it because they are in denial. They will even tell you that there is a history of mental & behavioral problems in their families, but their child "doesn't have a problem". It's always the school, other kids, teachers, etc.

Anyway, I would avoid this woman as much as possible. How you decide to raise your child is YOUR BUSINESS, not hers. And if she tries to tell you that you should try this or that, ask her point blank if she uses that behavioral/ discipline strategy. Chances are, she doesn't.

Let me give you a personal side to this. My sister believes that my son's problems are because of my bad parenting skills. According to her, my difficult child wouldn't need to be hospitalized or on medications if I were a better parent. She cited the fact that I haven't taken any parenting classes (and family therapy for the last 3+ years counts for nothing in her opinion) and that I don't set limits with my son.

The reality is that I chose my battles (see "The Explosive Child"), and I did try not putting him on medication. The result was being expelled from 3rd grade, and being asked to leave two private schools. The public school system has put him into a special, non-public school for kids with emotional and behavioral problems, and he's doing well.

Her kids are totally out of control. Her idea of "punishment" is to have them take a time out in their rooms, which are filled with toys. Her oldest is only eight weeks older than my son, and he's a narcissistic, selfish bully. While my sister believes that my son will be in prison some day, I KNOW her son will commit some white collar crime like embezzelment (he's already discussed how he would do it!). Her daughter, whose seven, just has to start crying and she gets whatever she wants. The three-year old twins are out of control, and my sister admits that she's "too lazy" to try and discipline them, much less potty train them. Does that sound like a "perfect parent" to you?

People who criticize are often insecure about their own abilities, so keep your chin up. The next time this lady says anything to you, change the subject or just tell her that you don't want to discuss your son's issues with her. Good luck!

 

[susiestar]

I understand why this bugs you. I have chosen to NOT associate with some women who have done this to us. Asking questions to understand is one thing. Being an idiot is another.

Chances are if you start asking if there are other "horrible unmedicated kids like hers" in their classes she will drop it. You can use other adjectives, judgemental, snotty, snobbish, ignorant, all come to mind - but that is just me.

I am sorry she is being such a pill.

Susie

 

[sandman3]

My sister is the exact same as Lookingforhope's. Thinks my kids "bad" problems are a result of my "bad" parenting. It sounds like this person just really has absolutely no idea what it's like to have a difficult child and probably just doesn't get it. Unfortunately, as you well know, it's hard to explain, and unless they spend 24/7 with you, they probably never will. I think it's nice that you're still giving her a chance as a friend.

If she says something again, I would have some statistics in my head that you could inform her of, like how many children these days have mental disorders, etc, etc....

I did that one day at a soccer field, this other teams coach was giving difficult child 2 a hard time because he was getting to close to their "gear"...I had made up some little business cards, laminated with info about Autism and websites they could visit because I was sick of people's attitudes and stares.....I walked over to him, introduced myself as the child's mom, handed him a card and nicely asked him to please read it so that he might understand what it is to be a child with Autism. The man was dumfounded, took the card and said thank you. It felt great!

 

[Tiapet]

G + T, I did like susiestar did years ago and just don't associate with those type of people. I do not have the time or inclination for people who choose to be ignorant (by choice or otherwise) to it all. I like sandman3's idea! That is great! I might try something like that.

I recall when my middle difficult child was a tiny infant and had casts on for a physical disability people would stare and make comments, not unlike the same kind of treatments we get for difficult children. It would always seem like people thought we did something to these poor little babies (other parents of kids like mine went through it too) like abuse to make them have to wear casts. Yeah right, not! Anyway, we came up with a saying when people would stare "they fell down while skiing". It amused us and often let people know we were aware of their stares. Other times we were blatant about telling people exactly what was wrong with our kids. You just can't do that with words for our difficult children. The idea of a business card is fantastic!

 

[KTMom91]

Sounds like Miss KT's grandmother (father's mother)...she "felt it was her duty" to "inform" me that putting Miss KT on Ritalin was "poisoning the child"...she gave me books and other reading material to prove her point. I donated the books to Goodwill and trashed the articles. Whether or not to medicate is a parent's decision. Period.

I wish I'd thought of the business card idea when Miss KT was little! That's beautiful!

 

[GinAndTonic]

Thanks for listening to my vent, all of you!

I like the idea of a business card... but so many people think ADHD is hooey, I wonder if they would help? difficult child's other diagnosis's aren't much better, in terms of public perception: ODD, anxiety, mood disorder.

Sigh.

 

[tiredmommy]

"I don't need to defend my parenting decisions."

 

[Wiped Out]

I love TM's answer!

 

[looking4hope]

The truth is that unless you've had direct contact with someone with any of these disorders, then you cannot know what it is like. I don't think a business card would help, because many people believe (incorrectly) that a child can't have a mood disorder ODD, ADHD, anxiety, etc. Those of us with difficult children know better.

As an FYI, my teaching credential class on special education students had a whole chapter dedicated to ADD/ ADHD, and another chapter on kids with emotional and mental disorders. Teachers should know about these types of kids and how to handle them (realize that I just got my credential four years ago after being a burnt out, high tech exec).

I love TM's answer, too. The decisions that you make for your child are the best you can make at the time, and if you're like me, you get all the info you can before you make them. Don't defend yourself, just take care of your family the way you see fit.

 

[daralex]

I love TM's answer too! The truth is that parents without difficult child's have absolutely no idea what they/we go through on a daily basis. I would ask snobby lady to share the child rule book with you since obviously she got a copy - how else would she know definitively what to do with everyone else's child.

Treat life like a dog - if you can't eat it or have sex with it, pee on it and walk away!

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

I like TM's answer, and Dara's comment!

There are people who get it (like us), and there are people who never will.

Stick with the winners.

 

[SaraT]

TM's answer and Dara's comment are priceless.

I think all of us have dealt with someone like that. My family and friends all get it, but EX is clueless, eventhought his mother is totally on my side.(HeeHee)

I just ignore those kind of people, secure in my knowledge that I am doing the best thing for my child, and those that know(this board especially) agree with me.

Hugs

Sara