a update *

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Yem1971, Apr 4, 2013.

  1. Yem1971

    Yem1971 New Member

    Things have been actually pretty mellow this week, I have had some pretty profound realizations this week in that I realized boyfriend most likely has adhd himself, the constant losing things, he can forget something two minutes later, unfinished projects, no patience in lines or driving, and he has to constantly be fidgeting even when sitting. So at our house, I have decided to use a dry erase board again. I had abandoned this idea a while back, because I thought it was too controlling but it works for us and it's the only way I can get things done and not constantly nag him, which i feel would be more detrimental to our relationship.I also use a bin with a lid on the main floor, if they forget something it goes in the bin. This works well in our home. Wink..boyfriend thought I wouldn't put his things in the bin if he left them out, but I do not single anyone out. I also told boyfriend Tuesday if there is food in his youngest boy's room, he will have a message on the board and he needs to take care of it right away, not tell him and then forget. He needs to physically go up there and watch him do it. I feel a lot better this week though, knowing that all the boyfriend and his sons do is not on purpose that their brains are just different and they literally can't focus much of the time enough to remember to turn out the lights, put away the bread, remember their keys or homework,etc. I'm trying to have more compassion and acceptance for them all, I know that much of the time they are truly making a effort to do the best they can do. I felt sad for a minute knowing that I didn't know, and I expected more out of them than they are able to do. I always thought that since they are so intelligent that they couldn't have anything wrong. His older son has fallen behind in his classes, I told boyfriend months ago if he doesn't graduate on time, I want him to move in with his Mom or begin to pay me rent. I am still going to stick with this, because the boy is working a job. For myself, I'm making sure to take me time, I'm not letting the small stuff bother me..if a light is left on or something is left out, it's not the end of the world. :) I hold out hope that at some point boyfriend will get at least himself and his younger son help, but I know that it might not happen :) so for now I'm taking it one day at a time, staying centered and mellow, and enjoying my boyfriend for once and accepting him as he is not for who I want him to be.
  2. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yay for you!

    You HAVE to go with what works.
    By any chance have you been reading The Explosive Child lately? Because... some of what you're doing fits right in with that approach.
  3. Yem1971

    Yem1971 New Member

    no...I haven't read it, but maybe I should. I have just tried a million different things in the past three years. I have begged, pleaded, cried, and asked for change from my boyfriend and his kids. I have had on my rose colored glasses for the past three years with boyfriend, I realized the other night, he will always continue to tell me he can change because he loves me, but he truly can't. He is doing the best he can and so is his sons...they are much better now than when they came to me. So it somewhat comes down to compromise on my part and acceptance. I always try new things though, and those are a few things that work for our home. If I try something new and it doesn't work, I just get rid of it and try something else. boyfriend actually likes the board, it helps him stay on track and he knows it :) Thanks for your support :)
  4. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    What a great update, Yem! Good for you. On all counts--realizing that boyfriend is ADHD, that a dry erase board and no nagging will work, and that physically checking on people does work. And a plan for your older son. Whew!
    Take a deep breath and prepare to stand your ground. Bravo!
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow you must have mental exhaustion with all the work you've done. I feel the same when i can use my brain to remember that q is not really able to control all of this....

    (LOL once a month I am not so good at it,Know what I mean??)

    It does help to realize it's not personal.

    Not that our loved ones don't need to learn and to try but within realistic expectations....as you are doing.

    Heck visual reminders like the wipe off board are helpful to all of us.

    I added a separate calendar to my phone so my private things won't get accidentally mixed up...it is a family calendar app, I think from TMobile (don't need to have their service) and each person has their own color, it's more clear than my google calendar and I can put things on as well as make lists for q. He uses it on his nexus tablet . It's a family tool, so he doesn't feel babied...wink.

    You have made great strides and I really admire all that you are doing for yourself and your family.