Tiapet
Old Hand
Here is a current story. Opinions? I can understand on one hand but do not agree with how it was done AT ALL! There was a better way mom could have handled this and gone about getting what she wanted for daughter.
A very sad case in the news here, what do you all think?
- Thread starter Tiapet
- Start date
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indeeptrouble
Guest
Right now I'm at the point that it sounds pretty logical to me. But J is only 15, so I'd go to jail. 
I can't look at the other side of it now. Give me a few days (he's at my parent's house and I'm still decompressing).
I can't look at the other side of it now. Give me a few days (he's at my parent's house and I'm still decompressing).
The trouble with stories like this is... we will never know the "real" story.
There are likely multiple layers, multiple triggers, multiple other people who "could have" done something in the last 15+ years... and didn't.
Most of the "options" listed by commenters... aren't options. Police, hospital, etc. will not allow you to abandon someone like that, at their site. There simply IS no way to jump the queue and get help.
I can't relate... but I know lots of people who can't relate to what our family is going through and the price (physical, emotional, and financial) we are paying for workable solutions... I know what it's like when nobody on the face of the earth takes you seriously, because "after all, the kid has YOU... we don't need to do anything".
There are likely multiple layers, multiple triggers, multiple other people who "could have" done something in the last 15+ years... and didn't.
Most of the "options" listed by commenters... aren't options. Police, hospital, etc. will not allow you to abandon someone like that, at their site. There simply IS no way to jump the queue and get help.
I can't relate... but I know lots of people who can't relate to what our family is going through and the price (physical, emotional, and financial) we are paying for workable solutions... I know what it's like when nobody on the face of the earth takes you seriously, because "after all, the kid has YOU... we don't need to do anything".
SuZir
Well-Known Member
These situations are always so sad. And of course you never know the real story. If it is about the parents who take an easy way to get rid of their burdensome adult child (who is likely never able to be totally independent) or if they have tried everything to find other solutions and there just isn't any.
We all here know that living with adult (or even minor) child with issues can be totally undoable but at times other options are limited. I live in the country with lots of public services there you always have an option to go to some official and say that I don't want this kid in my house any more and they will take a kid (or disabled adult.) If for example we would want to get rid of easy child we would just need to go to CPS and say we can't stand him in our home any more. Same day he would be living in group home (or in his case, with his grandparents because they would want him) and we would be only paying some child support (probably less than we actually use money on him now, he is an expensive kid) for state. There would not be any legal ill effects for us and in fact we would still have legal custody over him. The first placement may not be the best but one available, but still it will be safe. We don't have these abandonment stories at all. And because I don't believe we are any better people than anywhere else, I kind of assume these stories tell about situations where people have had very little choice. They have likely been in awful situation and have not gotten help they need.
We all here know that living with adult (or even minor) child with issues can be totally undoable but at times other options are limited. I live in the country with lots of public services there you always have an option to go to some official and say that I don't want this kid in my house any more and they will take a kid (or disabled adult.) If for example we would want to get rid of easy child we would just need to go to CPS and say we can't stand him in our home any more. Same day he would be living in group home (or in his case, with his grandparents because they would want him) and we would be only paying some child support (probably less than we actually use money on him now, he is an expensive kid) for state. There would not be any legal ill effects for us and in fact we would still have legal custody over him. The first placement may not be the best but one available, but still it will be safe. We don't have these abandonment stories at all. And because I don't believe we are any better people than anywhere else, I kind of assume these stories tell about situations where people have had very little choice. They have likely been in awful situation and have not gotten help they need.
Unfortunately, I'm very biased because I live in IL and suspect that the mother got what most of us with- adult family members with disabilities get in terms of meaningful support services from the state - and that's nothing. The mom has another child with disabilities as well. I'm not excusing what she did - it would be a very cold day in Hades before I could do something like that. I was curious as to why she picked TN until I read the article I linked to - mom had done the research and picked a state that she felt would provide services to her daughter.
Illinois is in bad shape and getting worse. The grant program that paid for thank you's treatment has appeared to, in practice at least, adopted a policy of denying services, discharging kids from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with- no notice and no discharge plans, and community services are few and far between (we never had access to them). Multiple facilities, both for mental health and developmental disabilities, have been shut down in the past year. They're now cutting services for technology dependent (i.e. ventilators) kids and kids like Boo who qualified for home services based on the fact they require essentially 24/7 care (a waiver program like Katie Beckett that has only been in effect for a few years - after Boo was too old). They're closing facilities to save money, yet they're not replacing those facilities with any community supports whatsoever. We've got severely mentally ill patients who are languishing in ERs for days on end because there are no psychiatric beds. I shudder to think what is going on in the daughter community because those folks can be hidden. There is no safety net for adults with- daughter or their families. husband and I are fortunate in that we've managed to continue to care for Boo - but we are getting older and I get ill thinking about what happens when we're too old/sick/dead to care for him. The plan for now is to get the heck out of IL ASAP, but that's at least another 20 years.... Being 70 years old and changing my 43-year-old son's diapers is going to be difficult physically, and I know the state will not support us at all.
I don't agree with- what she did, but I understand she felt she had no option. Given the number of stories I read each year about parents/caretakers neglecting daughter kids/adults to death, I think her actions were at least done with the intention to ensure her daughter was cared for. And I don't believe for a second that she had any other option, at least not here.
Rather than condemning this woman, I think the discussion needs to be if states have any intention of supporting their most vulnerable citizens. In my very biased opinion, IL has made it extremely clear that they have absolutely no such intention.
Illinois is in bad shape and getting worse. The grant program that paid for thank you's treatment has appeared to, in practice at least, adopted a policy of denying services, discharging kids from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) with- no notice and no discharge plans, and community services are few and far between (we never had access to them). Multiple facilities, both for mental health and developmental disabilities, have been shut down in the past year. They're now cutting services for technology dependent (i.e. ventilators) kids and kids like Boo who qualified for home services based on the fact they require essentially 24/7 care (a waiver program like Katie Beckett that has only been in effect for a few years - after Boo was too old). They're closing facilities to save money, yet they're not replacing those facilities with any community supports whatsoever. We've got severely mentally ill patients who are languishing in ERs for days on end because there are no psychiatric beds. I shudder to think what is going on in the daughter community because those folks can be hidden. There is no safety net for adults with- daughter or their families. husband and I are fortunate in that we've managed to continue to care for Boo - but we are getting older and I get ill thinking about what happens when we're too old/sick/dead to care for him. The plan for now is to get the heck out of IL ASAP, but that's at least another 20 years.... Being 70 years old and changing my 43-year-old son's diapers is going to be difficult physically, and I know the state will not support us at all.
I don't agree with- what she did, but I understand she felt she had no option. Given the number of stories I read each year about parents/caretakers neglecting daughter kids/adults to death, I think her actions were at least done with the intention to ensure her daughter was cared for. And I don't believe for a second that she had any other option, at least not here.
Rather than condemning this woman, I think the discussion needs to be if states have any intention of supporting their most vulnerable citizens. In my very biased opinion, IL has made it extremely clear that they have absolutely no such intention.
muttmeister
Well-Known Member
In my state, a couple of years ago, the law had been changed without thinking of the consequences and we had parents dropping off minor childrent like this. The law was changed again so that no longer happens but these stories point out the fact that, in this society, if you face problems like this, in many cases there are no answers. Our programs and safeguards for people in these situations are failures.
I don't know the particulars in this one case but I'm not about to condemn this woman for what she did. I sincerely doubt if this happened "out of the blue." People fight for years to get help for their kids, bankrupt themselves, see their other children lose their opportunities, ruin their mental and physical health, beat their heads against the wall until they are figuratively bloody, and still don't get the help they need.
We live in one of the greatest countries in the world but if you have a special needs child, you are basically scre~ed.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Sue is right. Illinois is going to hades pretty darn fast. Not that it was great for any type of services to begin with. I grew up there, still have family and friends there and when they talk about it I just shake my head.
I'm not going to say what this mother did was right. But I can understand why she did it. That she picked an area that would provide services for her daughter, shows that although she was at her limit, she loved her and cared enough about what level of care she would receive to take her somewhere better and leave her. I would imagine that clearly shows her desperation.
It can be extremely difficult to care for an intellectually and mentally disabled child as an adult depending on their level of functioning. I think about this sometimes when I think about Alex. Katie will have her hands full and then some when he is a teen, shoot she already does.....even M can't handle him during rages now and he's only 11. I can only imagine what Alex as an adult would be like to live with. omg But heck, M is majorly intellectually challenged and the dude can drive me in short order to want to rip out my hair by the roots! So I know I couldn't do it, I don't have the patience once they reach a certain age. (well, maybe if it were my own child)
Sad part to me is that the mother is going to be assumed to be the villian, when that is probably the furthest thing from the truth.
I'm not going to say what this mother did was right. But I can understand why she did it. That she picked an area that would provide services for her daughter, shows that although she was at her limit, she loved her and cared enough about what level of care she would receive to take her somewhere better and leave her. I would imagine that clearly shows her desperation.
It can be extremely difficult to care for an intellectually and mentally disabled child as an adult depending on their level of functioning. I think about this sometimes when I think about Alex. Katie will have her hands full and then some when he is a teen, shoot she already does.....even M can't handle him during rages now and he's only 11. I can only imagine what Alex as an adult would be like to live with. omg But heck, M is majorly intellectually challenged and the dude can drive me in short order to want to rip out my hair by the roots! So I know I couldn't do it, I don't have the patience once they reach a certain age. (well, maybe if it were my own child)
Sad part to me is that the mother is going to be assumed to be the villian, when that is probably the furthest thing from the truth.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
I think the mother did her best and, when she could do no more, tried to find a way to get help.
I don't think some of her choices were especially wonderful (a bar... and what was said to the media) but - who among us hasn't made horrible choices when stressed out that far?!
I agree that we don't know the whole story, and likely never will. ...And... if I had never found this site... I might be to that point, too. Heck, sometimes I am at that point anyway!
I don't think some of her choices were especially wonderful (a bar... and what was said to the media) but - who among us hasn't made horrible choices when stressed out that far?!
I agree that we don't know the whole story, and likely never will. ...And... if I had never found this site... I might be to that point, too. Heck, sometimes I am at that point anyway!
Tiapet
Old Hand
This is why I said that I can understand why she did what she did but can't agree with "how" she did it. To just drop her off at the bar. There is more to the story that is coming out around here, like I've found out that she let the daughter out to go to the bathroom and drove off. That was just down right not nice of a way. I'm sure she could have chosen another location to do this in a better way. I've also learned that some one at her church advised her to do this. And the last piece of information that has come to light I stumbled upon was posted on, of all places, on craigs list in the rants and raves section listing her and her husbands complete names, address, and cell phone numbers. It told of how it wasn't about caring for her or money because apparently husband races cars and had just built a new car to the tune of 70K (!) and she was an "inconvenience" to them.
Now like what has been said. I don't know what all may or may not be the truth to this at all. but I still believe that the manner in which mom chose to do this was a little bit wrong. A bar is not the ideal place to have dropped her off. A church, a police station, a fire station somewhere, anywhere but a bar??? And why that town too? If she really wanted to get her the care like she said she would have dropped her off in less of a "small" town I would have thought. I'm really not saying any of this in judgement against her for what she did, just in the way she did it.
A hard choice was made, I get that and can totally understand it but having said that loving my difficult children and being able to easily place myself in her position (especially with my middle difficult child) I would NEVER choose a bar. Just seems like a really bad place, risky place to drop off a child I loved so dearly. Know what I mean??
Now like what has been said. I don't know what all may or may not be the truth to this at all. but I still believe that the manner in which mom chose to do this was a little bit wrong. A bar is not the ideal place to have dropped her off. A church, a police station, a fire station somewhere, anywhere but a bar??? And why that town too? If she really wanted to get her the care like she said she would have dropped her off in less of a "small" town I would have thought. I'm really not saying any of this in judgement against her for what she did, just in the way she did it.
A hard choice was made, I get that and can totally understand it but having said that loving my difficult children and being able to easily place myself in her position (especially with my middle difficult child) I would NEVER choose a bar. Just seems like a really bad place, risky place to drop off a child I loved so dearly. Know what I mean??
witzend
Well-Known Member
While it breaks my heart that it came to this, I do understand what she did. I think that on some level we have all experienced the resistance we meet when we say "I can no longer care for my child". "Well, if you don't, no one will." It's a lie. Someone will. They just won't offer resources so long as you have resources.
That being said - a bar? That's not ok. Any medical facility would have been better. No ID? No medical history? Not ok.
That being said - a bar? That's not ok. Any medical facility would have been better. No ID? No medical history? Not ok.
Witz, I agree. The way she did it is what bothers me. If she knew the girl could not communicate, what did she think would happen? The mother could have at least left her name and medical information pinned to her coat.
I do understand her desperation, though.
~Kathy
I do understand her desperation, though.
~Kathy
Tiapet
Old Hand
I wanted to update ya'll on this case. There is several links to the local TV stations stories as they are covering it. I'm providing 2. If you look at some of the comments below you can also find out additional information on the mom as well. I think the second link below is the more important one. I know we're all mixed over all on this but the truth I think is starting to come out and it's not exactly as it was, which was suspected. You might want to look up all the links as there are video feeds to the story and you can see a picture of the child/woman left here.
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