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A voice in the wilderness
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<blockquote data-quote="smallworld" data-source="post: 301525" data-attributes="member: 2423"><p>As some of you know, my son J spent his summer in a therapeutic wilderness program in Georgia. husband and I traveled to Georgia last week right before J transitioned out of the program to spend a night in the wilderness with him. For me, the highlight of the trip was when J read aloud his Letter of Accountability, which captures so eloquently the take-away lessons he learned in the wilderness.</p><p> </p><p>Here's the text of J's letter:</p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Dear Mom and Dad,</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">This is my letter of accountability. Over the years I have hurt you with angry and selfish behavior. The biggest thing was my shut-downs. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">One example is when Dad and I were canoeing in New Hampshire when Dad told me I was going to the B Program and would repeat 9th grade. I instantly shut down, forcing you to paddle back yourself, and I refused to talk to anyone for the last few hours of the trip. I felt angry and stupid and refused to accept the countys decision. This created tension in the family, and created a sour aftertaste in an otherwise enjoyable trip. I was trying to control the situation by avoiding it.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">Another thing I did was avoid school. The most glaring example is when I locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldnt have to go to school. This was a continuation of my avoidance patterns. I felt depressed and felt like an outsider at school. This made Mom stay home all day, Dad had to leave work early and I missed a day of school. This also resulted in your taking all the locks off the doors. I again was trying to control the situation. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Something else I did was set off M. I cant remember a specific time, but whenever M was getting angry and about to throw a tantrum, I would make a smart remark that would put her over the edge or I would make a comment after she was throwing a tantrum to make the situation worse. I got a strange sense of pleasure from being able to have so much power over her.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I also yelled at you a lot and took out my anger on the family. Whenever I came home from a bad day at school or had anything gone bad in general, I would wander around the house insulting anyone or walk into the den and take the remote from A or M and watch a show I knew they hated. At those times I felt angry and stressed and wanted to take my anger out on others. This put everyone else in a bad mood and led to more conflict in the family. I did this because I was angry that I was the only one in a bad mood and wanted the power to make others feel the same way. Arguments, sometimes tearful, often originated from problems as small as losing a baseball card to failing a test to being in the B Program. I felt angry and helpless in these situations. This created more tension in the family and hurt my relationship with you and my sisters. I wanted control over these situations by dragging others down with me.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Another thing I want to take accountability for is my self-care. I would go weeks without showering, I rarely brushed my teeth and would occasionally skip haircuts. I would feel lazy, tired, angry or depressed and didnt want to bother with those basic necessities. This would make me smell horrible, my teeth sometimes became yellow and my hair would pile up on my head. This would also make me less social and unpleasant to be with. I wanted to do more fun things and have freedom from these things.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Another thing I did was not apply myself in school, particularly in this past school year. I felt angry that I was placed in the B Program with autistic kids and slept through classes and didnt do my homework out of protest and boredom. This led to me failing classes and digging the hole I was in deeper. I did this for power and control over the B Program. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">I also spent all day in front of screens. A typical day included a rotation between my computer, the TV and the Wii, excluding any meal or a planned activity. I felt bored and uncreative so, because I could never think of anything else, looked at screens all day. This cycle ended up making me feel depressed. The cycle made me less social and separated me from the rest of the family. I did this so I could have fun when I couldnt ever think of something more creative.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Something else I did was throw and break things when I was in a bad mood. I felt angry and wanted to take my anger out on something. So when I was in a particularly bad mood I would walk around the house pushing books off of tables and knocking chairs over. This created a mess that I usually left others to pick up. I wanted power over the family by bringing down your moods with me.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">I also refused to talk to Dr. H. I have hardly ever talked to him during sessions for a year and before that I would only talk on and off over the entire course of seeing him. I think only for a month of so did I actually talk to him about semi-meaningful things. I felt angry that I had to waste an hour talking about things I didnt want to talk about. By doing this I continued my avoidance pattern and wasted a lot of time and money. I wanted to do more fun things than talk to him. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000"><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'">I also would never admit when I was wrong and I would shift the blame to anyone else. Whenever a situation would arise when I did something bad I would always completely deny I did it or at least tell a very altered version of the story, even when it was obvious that I did it. This would be about something as small as a fart to hurting A or M. I felt embarrassed that I had been caught in the act and didnt want to admit it to myself. This led to lengthy arguments and more fights with A and M. I was looking for love and belonging and didnt want to be the one in the family who no one liked. </span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">And finally, Dad, I want to take accountability for at the Atlanta airport, right before I was handed off to the wilderness staff, I muttered to you, I hate you. I did this because I knew you were already having a tough time sending me here and knew it was what would hurt you most.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Im sorry I hurt you with all of these patterns. In the future I hope we can have an open and honest relationship.</span></span></span></p><p> </p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">Love,</span></span></span></p><p><span style="font-family: 'Times New Roman'"><span style="font-size: 12px"><span style="color: #000000">J</span></span></span></p><p> </p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="smallworld, post: 301525, member: 2423"] As some of you know, my son J spent his summer in a therapeutic wilderness program in Georgia. husband and I traveled to Georgia last week right before J transitioned out of the program to spend a night in the wilderness with him. For me, the highlight of the trip was when J read aloud his Letter of Accountability, which captures so eloquently the take-away lessons he learned in the wilderness. Here's the text of J's letter: [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Dear Mom and Dad,[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]This is my letter of accountability. Over the years I have hurt you with angry and selfish behavior. The biggest thing was my shut-downs. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]One example is when Dad and I were canoeing in New Hampshire when Dad told me I was going to the B Program and would repeat 9th grade. I instantly shut down, forcing you to paddle back yourself, and I refused to talk to anyone for the last few hours of the trip. I felt angry and stupid and refused to accept the countys decision. This created tension in the family, and created a sour aftertaste in an otherwise enjoyable trip. I was trying to control the situation by avoiding it.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]Another thing I did was avoid school. The most glaring example is when I locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldnt have to go to school. This was a continuation of my avoidance patterns. I felt depressed and felt like an outsider at school. This made Mom stay home all day, Dad had to leave work early and I missed a day of school. This also resulted in your taking all the locks off the doors. I again was trying to control the situation. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Something else I did was set off M. I cant remember a specific time, but whenever M was getting angry and about to throw a tantrum, I would make a smart remark that would put her over the edge or I would make a comment after she was throwing a tantrum to make the situation worse. I got a strange sense of pleasure from being able to have so much power over her.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I also yelled at you a lot and took out my anger on the family. Whenever I came home from a bad day at school or had anything gone bad in general, I would wander around the house insulting anyone or walk into the den and take the remote from A or M and watch a show I knew they hated. At those times I felt angry and stressed and wanted to take my anger out on others. This put everyone else in a bad mood and led to more conflict in the family. I did this because I was angry that I was the only one in a bad mood and wanted the power to make others feel the same way. Arguments, sometimes tearful, often originated from problems as small as losing a baseball card to failing a test to being in the B Program. I felt angry and helpless in these situations. This created more tension in the family and hurt my relationship with you and my sisters. I wanted control over these situations by dragging others down with me.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Another thing I want to take accountability for is my self-care. I would go weeks without showering, I rarely brushed my teeth and would occasionally skip haircuts. I would feel lazy, tired, angry or depressed and didnt want to bother with those basic necessities. This would make me smell horrible, my teeth sometimes became yellow and my hair would pile up on my head. This would also make me less social and unpleasant to be with. I wanted to do more fun things and have freedom from these things.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Another thing I did was not apply myself in school, particularly in this past school year. I felt angry that I was placed in the B Program with autistic kids and slept through classes and didnt do my homework out of protest and boredom. This led to me failing classes and digging the hole I was in deeper. I did this for power and control over the B Program. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]I also spent all day in front of screens. A typical day included a rotation between my computer, the TV and the Wii, excluding any meal or a planned activity. I felt bored and uncreative so, because I could never think of anything else, looked at screens all day. This cycle ended up making me feel depressed. The cycle made me less social and separated me from the rest of the family. I did this so I could have fun when I couldnt ever think of something more creative.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Something else I did was throw and break things when I was in a bad mood. I felt angry and wanted to take my anger out on something. So when I was in a particularly bad mood I would walk around the house pushing books off of tables and knocking chairs over. This created a mess that I usually left others to pick up. I wanted power over the family by bringing down your moods with me.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]I also refused to talk to Dr. H. I have hardly ever talked to him during sessions for a year and before that I would only talk on and off over the entire course of seeing him. I think only for a month of so did I actually talk to him about semi-meaningful things. I felt angry that I had to waste an hour talking about things I didnt want to talk about. By doing this I continued my avoidance pattern and wasted a lot of time and money. I wanted to do more fun things than talk to him. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000][FONT=Times New Roman]I also would never admit when I was wrong and I would shift the blame to anyone else. Whenever a situation would arise when I did something bad I would always completely deny I did it or at least tell a very altered version of the story, even when it was obvious that I did it. This would be about something as small as a fart to hurting A or M. I felt embarrassed that I had been caught in the act and didnt want to admit it to myself. This led to lengthy arguments and more fights with A and M. I was looking for love and belonging and didnt want to be the one in the family who no one liked. [/FONT][/COLOR][/SIZE] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]And finally, Dad, I want to take accountability for at the Atlanta airport, right before I was handed off to the wilderness staff, I muttered to you, I hate you. I did this because I knew you were already having a tough time sending me here and knew it was what would hurt you most.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Im sorry I hurt you with all of these patterns. In the future I hope we can have an open and honest relationship.[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]Love,[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000]J[/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Calibri][SIZE=3][COLOR=#000000] [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] [/QUOTE]
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