A year ago this month

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by in a daze, Mar 26, 2015.

  1. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Difficult Child has been at his grocery store job a whole year.

    Some of you might remember all the angst when he got the job, then got fired for being late, then asked for his job back, and the manager let him come back, and all the drama about how he was working in the deli and struggling because he has poor visual discrimination skills, etc. ( he no longer works in the deli).

    He finds it very monotonous but seems to like interacting with the customers, which is just occasionally in the department where he works.

    He goes to meetings frequently at the hospital across the street. He still struggles with lack of motivation and doesn't know what to do with his free time. It's really strange. He made one friend up there, gets lonely, I think. He was started on a new medication called Brintellix and the depression is starting to lift a little. He saw the doctor today and he increased it, so we'll see. (He finds side effects with almost everything he takes. If there's a side effect, he'll have it. None so far with the Brintellix). He still has meltdowns (borderline traits) but these seem to be less frequent. He says he has stopped, for now, the supplements that he was taking.

    He sees his case manager once a week and made appointment for new therapist. He's seeing an employment counselor.

    He came to the south side for a friend's birthday party. It was in a bar. He did not drink. (We really believe this.) He gets along so much better with his father. They've gone out to eat and a movie a couple of times, just the two of them. (Dad was the heavy when he was living here).

    I called Walgreens. No further charges on the express pay card except for the medications.

    I gave him a gift today and told him he deserved it.

    He's got lots of problems, but things are looking up a little bit.

    There, I've jinxed myself. :unsure:
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  2. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    This sounds so encouraging. The year mark at a job is quite a milestone, that is awesome!!

    I'm sure that meant a lot to him for you to give him a gift and tell him that he deserved it.

    I don't think you've jinxed yourself at all but I do understand about being optimistically guarded.

    Thanks for sharing!! It's so nice to hear a good update. There is always hope for these Difficult Child of ours.

    ((HUGS)) to you...........
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  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    IAD....I remember all of these details about Difficult Child but I can't believe it's been a whole year! Wow...that is really a positive update. I know, it's not all perfect and everything, like we thought things were going to be, but you know, Daze, I think what we're all learning is that life never was going to be a fairy tale---we just somehow believed all of that Cinderella stuff. I still do, sometimes.

    I am just very glad for you and for him.

    Relish the progress. Maybe you've read some of my more recent posts about my son doing better. It's not all pretty and everything.

    But it's progress not perfection.

    Let's celebrate the progress just like we commiserated the downtimes.

    Great to hear, Daze! Keep us posted about you too.
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  4. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member


    You post is so uplifting. So happy for all of you!...and, I so understand the worries, but honestly, this is much more than I would dare to hope for. Very good news.
  5. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    I feel like that too, sometimes.

    The changes that happened for your son are real changes, over-time changes in the kinds of choices he is making. You helped with that by changing your responses to his behaviors, just as I am making a tiny difference for my kids (and grands) by changing my responses, by being careful, and waiting, and giving the kids back responsibility for their lives. What I see in my family is that confidence that goes with meeting those kinds of challenges blossoming away in my kids and grands.

    We are doing something different, and that has changed everything for our kids.

    With all my heart, I wish all of us continued success.

    It was scarier at first, for me. Now, I have that little backlog of times when it turned out better that I did not help too much.

    Good for us, IAD.

    Remember when it all felt so hopeless?

    We did good.


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  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Inadaze, what a wonderful update.
    I can feel the cautiousness, the trepidation and hope at the same time.
    A year. That's a very good thing. :likeit:
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

  8. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    IAD I am so happy to read this update, thank you! I can't believe it is a year, I remember it all so well. Wow. You've done such a good job through all of it, each time something arose, you used your "tools," you posted here, you contacted his caseworker or his therapist........you've really developed good boundaries which take care of you, but let him know you are there for him too. You've negotiated that strange tightrope we all walk to put those boundaries in place, and to do it with love. You done good.

    As COM so wisely said, relish the moment, celebrate today...... today is a really good day. None of us know what tomorrow will bring, but now we can trust ourselves to show up and handle whatever it is. We don't need to worry about it, or catastrophize about it.......enjoy this day my friend.........sending big hugs and warm wishes for you and your family..........
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  9. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    A year of stability in a DCs life is huge business! You have a right to be proud!
  10. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Thanks, everyone.

    I know, it's not all perfect and everything, like we thought things were going to be, but you know, Daze, I think what we're all learning is that life never was going to be a fairy tale---we just somehow believed all of that Cinderella stuff. I still do, sometimes. (quote)

    Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/a-year-ago-this-month.60028/#ixzz3Vd4k6Le4

    No happily ever after, for sure. Acceptance and living in the moment are the keys for all of us parents emeritus here, I think.

    And if/when they do improve progress is sooo slow. Lots of backsliding. Two steps forward, one step backward. I have a cousin who is a medical social worker who has lots of experience with addicts and the mentally ill. She says seeing them progress is like watching paint dry, lol!
  11. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    Yes, I've been following your posts about your son. What a change from what he was doing. My god, he's working TWO jobs. And he's been walking, or riding a bike, I think. In the rain and the cold. Did you ever imagine that he would be capable of such a thing, ever? I am just amazed that my son goes to work every day and starts at 7 AM! He was never a morning person. Most difficult child'S are not. And waiting for the bus in below zero weather.

    This is what can happen when we get out of the way and stop enabling them.

    And COM, maybe this is kind of a fairytale, or a miracle for us, because at one point we believed that our kids would never get there, never become responsible and law abiding or develop a work ethic.
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    And we need to remember how hard this thing is that we are successfully doing. It is no easy thing to change instinctual patterns, to wait and hold back, to keep quiet when your own child is going a wrong way, or to let them proceed along those paths and then, not help them.

    Or worse still, to precipitate a crisis and then, take actions we never imagined we would take.

    But we did it. We are doing it.

    And the kids seem to be doing better, for it.

    We have worked hard, and done so well, and been so lonely and unsure, at times.