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<blockquote data-quote="HeadlightsMom" data-source="post: 637479" data-attributes="member: 18284"><p>Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Many good insights and ideas in there. Will keep them all in mind and use whichever ones are merited on whichever day they're merited. I'm definitely conflicted and my emotions rotate, clash, and blend together from hour-to-hour sometimes with him. My vigilance is never down. My heart is open to being open....buuuuut.... reminds me of classic Star Trek......... "Red alert! Red Alert! Deflector shields up!" <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite8" alt=":D" title="Big Grin :D" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":D" /></p><p></p><p>It reminded me of a moment we had when he was 12 and fell down on our living room floor suddenly in a fetal position wailing in tears, "It hurts! I have a hole so deep nothing can fill it!" All I could was lay down on the floor with him, hold him, rock with him and cry with him. I am very emotionally knitted together.....and I mean that in a good way. I care deeply and wholeheartedly. And it has been a parenting experience of going TOTALLY against my nature by erecting massive protective boundaries around my heart. Not my nature. I am blessed with many deep, life-long relationships. I usually do relationships pretty darned well. But this difficult child of ours.........damn. Sometimes we connect so deeply and I feel him waaaaay down in my soul. And then, at other times, I'm quite certain the pod people have seized him and are holding him captive on the mothership while his clone romps around down here smashing everything to bits.</p><p></p><p>TRUST ME, I AM STILL VIGILANT. JUST AS difficult child DOESN'T CHANGE OVERNIGHT, NEITHER DO I. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite2" alt=";)" title="Wink ;)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=";)" /></p><p></p><p>Tonight at church was interesting. He said he enjoyed it and wanted to go back. Will see what happens. Part of church tonight had a guy from AA talking about how he'd been clean for just over 3 years. difficult child now has 45 days under his sober belt.</p><p></p><p>While at church, I got to thinking about MY tools (not HIS tools, nor HIS responses). Just MY tools. What can I do to empower ME, so that no matter what happens, I remain intact. A hefty, overflowing, rotating toolbox comes in mighty handy. So I took a quick inventory of MY tools. I actually have many tools in MY box. Some of them I haven't used in ages (more than a year) because difficult child was absent so long. But I got to remembering them and began dusting them off in my mind. Time to use them now! Regardless of difficult child, I should use them now, anyway.....when I'M feeling conflicted. That part of MY life is MY recovery. <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> Free Will.</p><p></p><p>Yes, difficult child has a sponsor. And he's got a good one --- Mark makes him report in daily for 90 days. He's been with Mark for about 2 weeks and likes him. We just dropped him at an AA meeting right now (a different location than last night).</p><p></p><p>difficult child does NOT have a home right now. He is couch-surfing. He is on the list for transitional clean & sober housing, awaiting an opening. And, no, don't worry..........as has been the case for 8 years, difficult child will NOT be living with us. </p><p></p><p>Thank you all SO much for your kind, caring, WISE words! Believe me, I'll re-read all of your thoughts several times to make sure I didn't miss anyone's thoughts. I appreciate ALL of your words! Keep 'em comin' and thank you all, so much, for your heart-felt and brain-felt support!</p><p></p><p>Will keep y'all posted. I feel like Lewis and Clark forging a new trail across the West. You know, no real clue where I'm going, but well aware there could be sudden cliffs appearing out of nowhere. Not, not, NOT my plan to drop off the edge! But thank you all for strategically placing warning signs along the way, just in case! LOL!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="HeadlightsMom, post: 637479, member: 18284"] Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. Many good insights and ideas in there. Will keep them all in mind and use whichever ones are merited on whichever day they're merited. I'm definitely conflicted and my emotions rotate, clash, and blend together from hour-to-hour sometimes with him. My vigilance is never down. My heart is open to being open....buuuuut.... reminds me of classic Star Trek......... "Red alert! Red Alert! Deflector shields up!" :D It reminded me of a moment we had when he was 12 and fell down on our living room floor suddenly in a fetal position wailing in tears, "It hurts! I have a hole so deep nothing can fill it!" All I could was lay down on the floor with him, hold him, rock with him and cry with him. I am very emotionally knitted together.....and I mean that in a good way. I care deeply and wholeheartedly. And it has been a parenting experience of going TOTALLY against my nature by erecting massive protective boundaries around my heart. Not my nature. I am blessed with many deep, life-long relationships. I usually do relationships pretty darned well. But this difficult child of ours.........damn. Sometimes we connect so deeply and I feel him waaaaay down in my soul. And then, at other times, I'm quite certain the pod people have seized him and are holding him captive on the mothership while his clone romps around down here smashing everything to bits. TRUST ME, I AM STILL VIGILANT. JUST AS difficult child DOESN'T CHANGE OVERNIGHT, NEITHER DO I. ;) Tonight at church was interesting. He said he enjoyed it and wanted to go back. Will see what happens. Part of church tonight had a guy from AA talking about how he'd been clean for just over 3 years. difficult child now has 45 days under his sober belt. While at church, I got to thinking about MY tools (not HIS tools, nor HIS responses). Just MY tools. What can I do to empower ME, so that no matter what happens, I remain intact. A hefty, overflowing, rotating toolbox comes in mighty handy. So I took a quick inventory of MY tools. I actually have many tools in MY box. Some of them I haven't used in ages (more than a year) because difficult child was absent so long. But I got to remembering them and began dusting them off in my mind. Time to use them now! Regardless of difficult child, I should use them now, anyway.....when I'M feeling conflicted. That part of MY life is MY recovery. :) Free Will. Yes, difficult child has a sponsor. And he's got a good one --- Mark makes him report in daily for 90 days. He's been with Mark for about 2 weeks and likes him. We just dropped him at an AA meeting right now (a different location than last night). difficult child does NOT have a home right now. He is couch-surfing. He is on the list for transitional clean & sober housing, awaiting an opening. And, no, don't worry..........as has been the case for 8 years, difficult child will NOT be living with us. Thank you all SO much for your kind, caring, WISE words! Believe me, I'll re-read all of your thoughts several times to make sure I didn't miss anyone's thoughts. I appreciate ALL of your words! Keep 'em comin' and thank you all, so much, for your heart-felt and brain-felt support! Will keep y'all posted. I feel like Lewis and Clark forging a new trail across the West. You know, no real clue where I'm going, but well aware there could be sudden cliffs appearing out of nowhere. Not, not, NOT my plan to drop off the edge! But thank you all for strategically placing warning signs along the way, just in case! LOL! [/QUOTE]
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