Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by barbie, Jul 6, 2008.

  1. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    I am so tired of being tired and angry and frustrated and upset and I want to give up. This **** is just too ****in hard for me to deal with alone. We all know I have three kids all of them have ADHD, Eric in addition to that has been diagnosed as autism spectrum and oppositional defiant disorder, Danae had ADHD and Im pretty ****in sure when we go back to the shrink we'll be adding bi-polar to that diagnosis. Linda just cant get **** straight I mean for christs sake the girl is 6 and manages to get flip flops on the wrong feet. Eric sleeps in my room, the girls arent allowed in cause they all fight, and I cant take the noise level. Eric has gotten to the disturbing point where he is peeing into empty water bottles instead of going to the bathroom. He used to dress himself but is regressing and cant get his underwear on straight. The medication he is on clonidine, does nothing, and I mean nothing. He never shuts up, and whn he talk he might as well be screaming cause its just that loud, his hearing is fine we checked that already. He doesnt get along with anyone, and I am not allowed to even leave anywhere without him cause #1, my mom wont stay with him and #2 he makes a scene wherever we go. I am tired of being angry, Im tired of talking to walls, cause **** these kids dont listen, Im tired of feeling like I can never give enough to satisfy them. I dont even want to go out anymore its too hard to get them to behave. I feel like Im about to break down, and I wont because I cant, because, I have a job and bills to pay and if I dont noone will and then Ill be homeless. Im a single parent and I didnt get any manual for this insanity. There is nothing that is working, the asking nicely, doesnt work, the screaming, doesnt work, the authorive voice doesnt work, the time outs dont work, NOTHING works they dont listen, and they dont care. I want to :sad-very:smack all those little teenie booper girls who are like I want a baby to love me, they dont love you, they make you crazy you never sleep again, youll never know what a hot shower alone feels like, youll never know what I dont feel like cooking tonight is, youll never know what im going out throwing something on and walking out the door feels like, youll never know what its like.

    Somethings has got to give, and I dont think I can anymore.
  2. nateisnuts

    nateisnuts New Member

    im so sorry your having such a hard time hun {{hugs}} i wish i had some wise words to offer but im in a similiar boat and cant even figure it out for myself. im not single but my husband is just that useful Know what I mean?? i hope someone else has some advice to offer and you are able to get even a small break soon.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. Sorry it's been so tough, but I have a few thoughts.
    You are assuming that your six year old who gets her flip flops on the wrong feet knows which feet they should be on--or cares. Eric sounds socially clueless--he could well be on the spectrum too. It is common to have two spectrum kids. You can't assume that your kids can control how they behave. I have some suggestions.
    1/Take both children to a neuropsychologist. They do AWESOME evaluations. In my mommy (not professional) opinion, I think more is going on than ADHD. The olne with autism should be getting tons of interventions to help her understand life. Kids on the autism spectrum don't "get it" and it is up to us, as their parents, to learn about the spectrum (plenty of great books out there) and to demand that our kids get the proper help in school that will allow them to live functional lives as adults. It is already late--I would do this right now. As for the other child, have him evaluated to see what is really going on. He doesn't wake up every day hoping to drive you crazy. There is something atypical about him, and it can be helped with the right diagnosis and the right kind of help. Do not rely on pediatricians or regular counselors or therapists to diagnose these kids right. We found out the hard way that they often get it all wrong, which doesn't help anyone in our family. I had the best luck with NeuroPsychs. The family history with your mom should tell you to watch both children carefully throughout their years. You want to make sure they don't develop those problems.
    A Who have you seen for these kids so far? Things can improve for you and your kiddos, but you have to keep moving on. Whoever has "helped" them so far hasn't really helped them. It's time to move on.
    Welcome again.
  4. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    Eric is on the scpectrum so far we have confirmed diagnosis by like three or four professionals. Eric has ADHD, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified and ODD. I know he doesnt mean to drive me up the wall but he does, and sometimes I dont know whether to scream, or laugh because my house is a zoo. He has to stay in my room becuase he doesnt play with the girls very well, or anyone else, in my moms room (she has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD)) he touches everything and you guys know, thats a no-no, in the kitchen he climbs things with no regard that if I fall Im going to get hurt. In the living room he jumps blindly of the couches which are material and again my mom, thats a no-no. He is afraid of bugs so he wont go to the backyard to play. This weekend alone I stopped I dont know how many fights, took away I dont know how many toys, and I have a policy about toys in my house, if its on the floor its out the door. He broke my DVD player, peed on my bedroom carpet, even though the bathroom is right next to our room, he is peeing into empty water bottles and then spilling them. He was previously able to dress himself but now he doesnt even get his underwear on straight and they look like man-thongs on him. And thats just Eric.

    Danae cries for everythign, screams for everything and the one things that I find particularly annoying /nerve grating whines for everything. I wanna scream but then all she doe sis cry more. She is not a happy child ever, she is always upset, unhappy, whiney, and nothing changes that. ive tried doing the board with the nice things to say about her, ive tried spending time with her alone. She whines and talks in the baby voice and that drives me even more bananas.

    They can kinda dress themselves, Linda doesnt know or maybe doesnt understand the color concept and she is the oldest. This girl will dress herself and looks like a clown put her together. Then the shoes are on wrong, and even after you tell her she doesnt care. She looks how I feel, crazy.

    Now Im pretty sure I need a psychiiatrist too, cause Im losing my damn mind little by little each minute. But I think its safe to say Im off the deep end.
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I know we sometimes sound like a broken record, but have you read "The Explosive Child" yet? I'd actually been part of this site for some months before I had a chance to find a copy (library, eventually). Then some time later, some members discussed aspects of the book on this site and now that discussion is at the top of this forum. I HAD written my own summary of the book (for difficult child 3's teachers; plus it helped me get it straight in my own head) but the discussion was much more concise and effective, I felt.

    I was thinking much the same as MWM as I read your post - what about getting ALL the kids checked out thoroughly? It's what we ended up doing. Outcome for us - two and a half out of four kids, on the spectrum. Mind you, the "half" is easy child 2/difficult child 2, who we now feel (as does she herself) that she is Aspie.

    YOu say Eric has been diagnosis'd with ODD as well - I'm sceptical. I'd want a second opinion on that, because a lot of autistic kids (and kids with other disabilities) can SEEM oppositional but it's just a combination of their autism (or whatever disorder) clashing with the parenting style. That is NOT to say that you're a bad parent - just that for a lot of these kids, the way WE were raised is NOT the way THEY should be raised, for best outcome. And it's the same with teaching - for a lot of these kids, teachers need to change their srtyle too, or really have their hands full.

    The change needed - it's complex to explain (that's why we recommend the book), but to actually implement it was actually easier, for me. MUCH easier. No more reward charts. No more stickers. No more shouting. No more blood pressure problems because of me blowing a gasket.

    Yes, I had to make changes, but they were GOOD changes and left me more relaxed. The most important part of it was getting into difficult child 3's head and understanding what was driving him. Once I had that, it was an easy downhill coast from there.

    It's still not perfect - far from it. But it is SO much better I'll take whatever I can get!

    Your Eric - for everything he's doing, he has a logical reason. And tat reason is NOT primarily finding ways to upset you. He is peeing into bottles for reasons which make perfect sense to him. And I think he's in very exalted company - didn't Howard Hughes do something like that? (I'm a bit rusty on that one...)

    Seriously, though, there could be something about using the toilet that frightens him. I remember being afraid of the toilet when I was little - it was big, the room was dark, the cistern made a horrible sound when it was flushed. I also was scared of the bathtub especially the sound it made when it emptied. There was a certain point as it emptied when it would suddenly make a loud sucking, gurgling sound that scared me.

    Your mother has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). You have anxiety. Gee, you think there could be a link? (Yup)

    If your mother has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) she should understand. Although if he is invading HER space, she is likely to not be feeling too kindly disposed towards him at times!

    So often "normal" parents expect their houses to be models of domestic neatness and suburban acceptability.
    I gave up long ago. Instead, our house had to adapt to the needs of the whole family, which included the children. The couch has throw blankets over it which I change and wash every so often. The boys come in and lounge on it, bringing in their own brand of dirt and the outdoors. We put spare squares of carpet over the places where the kids make most mess. The walls were covered with posters, kids art, reminder sheets. Doors were (and are) used as noticeboards and calendars. Behind the toilet door is a more intensive learning space - French irregular verbs are best learned while sitting "enthroned", I learnt when I was in high school. I now have in our loo, the latest Periodic Table, some social stories, some Escher prints (including a photo of one done in Lego) and a couple of other things chosen by the kids.

    A couch that can't take being jumped on - if you really can't stop them jumping, put the couch in storage and get a wooden bench. Sounds drastic, but it could actually make the lesson ram home. If it doesn't, then your couch is safe until the child HAS learnt to not jump on it.

    Climbing - difficult child 3 did that. I couldn't stop him. I remembered a nephew who was a terror for it - my brother took photos of his son climbing EVERYWHERE as soon as he could walk (sooner, I think). I remember the photo of the toddler at the top of a six foot paling fence. Seconds after the photo, the kid got his leg over and was down on the other side, heading for the street. And yes, he turned out to be Aspie as well.
    Something I've found - as a general rule, the really persistent climbers have amazing sense of balance. easy child 2/difficult child 2 has been working professionally as a stiltwalker since she was 10 years old. She learnt at an after school circus skills program when she was 8. difficult child 3 has similar skills. Both of them were (and are) avid climbers, from toddlers. easy child 2/difficult child 2 would always walk along hand rails at school and really upset her teachers.

    So my strong suggestion - at least for now - adapt your house to the children. Child-proof it. Take a leaf from "The Nanny" and put plastic on the couch. Just as a child with skull or brain problems wears a safety helmet at all times, you need to install the equivalent of a safety helmet for your home.

    And if you feel you are losing your mind (join the club) then at least if someone looks at your house and says, "This is crazy!" you can laugh and agree, because having a house that has been modified like this may LOOK crazy, but it's the sanest thing you could do, under the circumstances.

    Our house STILL looks crazy, but difficult child 3's therapist (who visits regularly) describes it as "an enriched learning environment".

    Feel free to use that phrase as your own. It may not save your sanity, but at least it will help you justify your insanity. Works for me!

  6. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    Yes I have anxiety. I will freely admit that to myself. I'm not depressed, Im angry, I feel cheated. I live in a house where I dont get to pee alone, sleep alone, nothing alone. I live my mom whose Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) compulsion is cleaning. Eric doesnt fit into "clean" To her even though we pay half of everything, we are in her space, so even my room has to be spotless. Everything has to be spotless. I get yelled at when there are shoes on the floor instead of the closet. It is the picture of insanity. Not in the sense of things are insane, its the things are immaculate. In a house with three kids all with "special" needs everything is in its place.
  7. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    That environment can't be helping your anxiety, or Eric's. I would be amazed if you were NOT stressed by it all.

    Feeling cheated though, is a waste of your energy. And that energy is likely to be limited. I know you don't choose to feel cheated in life, and it is very natural to feel resentful at having to put so much of your life on hold for your family. But until you can push that aside, it is going to get in your way and slow down your responses.

    IS there any way you could move out? Or does she need yo there? Or you need to be there?

    Could you compromise with her, draw a line somewhere and say, "On this side of the line, neatness is optional."? Or would that be impossible for her?

    I realise now that a lot of my suggestions to enrich the stimulation of the living space or kid-proof it just would not work around your mother.

    It seems that anything you try to do for your kids, would always have to take second place to the compromises you have to make for your mother.

    First and foremost, it appears that SHE is the neediest difficult child of all in the house.

    Now THAT would REALLY make me resentful!

  8. barbie

    barbie MOM of 3

    I should say something about me now. I am the eldest of four kids, and where now she id just Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), my mom had previously diagnosed as a bi-polar schizophrenic, who was trying to off herself every other week, and she had a little addiction problem. I quit school, academically I excelled but I was distracted by home stuff and fell so far behind, and I was really a difficult teenager. Ill admit to that, I met my ex-husband at 14 and we married when I was 17, NO I was not pregnant, my mom figuring she couldnt stop me, moved to another state and i stayed, I git married to be legally emancipated and be able to function. Ive always been the grown up in the relationship with my mother.

    We are in the same house, and part of me wants the relationship with her, and the other part is like this chic is crazy, and Im crazier. I sincerely could not afford to go somewhere else. With all the time I take off for Eric, Danae and Linda's things, I dont usually make the 80 hours. Even then, I dont get any help financially. (My car payment alone is 484) Figure, another 400 rent, 80 car insurance about 150 for daycare, 90 cellphone, 45 cable, 50-60 elec, 80-90 water, 160 for gas, thats not counting groceries, and personal care stuff, kids clothes, extracurricular activities, not counting medications. Basics. If I lived somewhere else I would need a minimum 2 bedrooms, and that would be 700-950 here, and thats in the crackhood, which would not be condusive to anything. Financially, unless someone would like to volunteer me some rich old guy ready to keel and give me his fortunes, Im stuck.

    Ive gotten the doctors I work for to give my mom some xanax but i think she needs more stuff shes still gets all catty when she is tense. otherwise its ok. She doesnt like my..I will only clean things once a day response or my I dont cre if they make their bed cause chances are theyll be right back in bed for time out soon enough. We are both working on that.

    As far as the insanity here goes, my childhood is a sordid jerry springer show of its own, Im used to it, Ive gotten accustomed to always being on the brink of something.