about to give up!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Sep 24, 2007.

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  1. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks! I will take this post with me. Ihope we dont cause a scene. I only hope I am doing the right thing. I just know I cannot live like this for much longer. It is keeping him a child living here - coming and going as he likes - no worries - no bills - no nothing. It is not good for him either. I wont give up but I feel like waving a white flag.
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Are you going to use Golden Guru's suggestions when talking to the Voc Rehab lady? Is your husband coming with? Are you going to "lower the boom"?, or are you going to roll, so you don't "mess things up" for him?

    It would not be the end of the world if you cause a scene. Don't sweat the small stuff. Keep your eye on the prize, and let whatever happens in the meantime, happen. If the ens result is that he is out of your house, then you are doing the right thing.
  3. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That sounds so horrible but it is not helping him to be here. I know he has a heart and it must hurt at sometime but I feel like it is stagnant right now. Of course his doctor said we need tohelp him and it is good he is home but who thinks about us as parents - not the probation officer or the judge or the doctor or the lawyer or anyone else - it is dumped on us to try and help him succeed - he was on his own and it was a dead end road - he cant seem to get it that he needs to start from another point. I am believeing that if you always do what you have you always get what you have always gotten - the same ole thing. I think part of him is afraid - he said he would probably get kicked out of a rehab - he worried last night if he missed his probation meeting - is bipolar like that? How do people know when they are bipolar? I wonder if it would make a difference if he was? I am grasping again for straws.
  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> is bipolar like that?</div></div>

    I dunno about bipolar being like that, but I know anxiety is. When my anxiety was outta control I thought my brain had taken the fast track thataway without me. Heck, I swore I was forgetting appts that were a couple of weeks away. :hammer:
  5. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Well, someone has to say it, so I guess I will. It sounds like you're finding an excuse for him to stay and do as he pleases. If he is BiPolar (BP), he has a mental illness and you have to take care of him, right? Sorry, I'm not buying into it. It really seems like you're grasping at another straw so that you can continue enabling. I wish you could see that your behavior is hurting your son far more than even kicking him out could.

    He needs help! He needs rehab! He needs to learn to be an adult! He does not need excuses -- he can come up with those all by his lonesome.
  6. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    ^ And again. What she said.
  7. hope1990

    hope1990 New Member

    SWC your statement "I won't give up but I feel like waving a white flag". (sorry don't know how to but it in the little yellow box)

    You don't have to "give up", think of it as a relay race. You and your son are in this race (for a healthy life), You start the race when he is born, but now YOU NEED to hand off the baton TO HIM, HE needs to finish this race, YOU are on the sidelines cheering him on, but it is up to him.

    My difficult child has a different addiction,he was put on probation. He was doing well had gotten his own job, was living with a grandparent and helping them with yardwork and such, and he was was certain to be at his group and therapy classes, But he broke his probation; went off his medications, etc., he was due to have a polygraph and realized he would never pass so he told his PO, and he landed in jail. I refused to bail him out, as I had the first time. His friends bailed him out then he and them were staying with grandparent and that is not right so I kickrd him out. OMG that is one of the hardest things I've done, but I have seen him slipping, I've confronted him on him not taking his medications but he always had a shpeal about it. It hurts like hell, but I also have my daughter to think about. My husband unfortunately will not discuss any of this, his reaction was against me, saying I would walk all over anyone to protect difficult child, if I was willing to do that then why didn't I bail him out? So right now husband and I don't have much to say to each other. husband has gone off his medications also, yipee, I am tired of being the glue.

    You need to focus on your daughter and her joyous day, the problems with difficult child will always be there. But your daughter has one SPECIAL wedding day, and difficult child needs to realize he is not the only one.
    Love your screen name, take it into action.
  8. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Sorry, but this is a grown man. Change the locks. Put his stuff on the porch.

    The next time you find yourself saying "How will he..." or "What if he..." say to yourself "I'm not him and he's not me." That's the answer. You can't help him because you seriously can't help him. You're not him.
  9. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Susan I know this is hard! We all do. Your son is 24 years old now, time for him to stand on his own. (with courage or without!) - tried for a little joke there - :wink:

    Your latest concern about possible BiPolar (BP)? I feel it's a bit irrelevent. If he's unwilling to get any help for subtance abuse, I highly doubt he'd be willing to get help for any mental illness either.

    He needs to make his own way and realize his way isn't working. He'll never do that from the comforts of home.

    You need a plan to get him out of your house. You need to go on with your life. You need to detach from him. The only person 'messing things up for him' is HIM. You know that in your heart.

    Detaching doesn't mean we stop caring. It only means we stop carrying.

  10. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    What kinds of drugs has difficult child been using during this time, and how many times, Stands?

  11. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've been reading these threads for awhile. I know this is really, really hard for you, Stands. I can't add much to what has already been said here. I understand how heart-wrenching it is to worry about your child's future. I will tell you what a family therapist told me about my Oldest, years ago, when I was "what if"'ing about throwing her out of my house. She said to me, "you must understand that anything you do to help her now, will only hurt her later."

    I have repeated that to myself, over and over and over. "Helping" her was NOT helping. It was enabling her and was ensuring that she never took responsibility for any of her own actions. She would never be self sufficient if I continued to pick up the pieces, give her sympathy, make excuses for her, say "I can't do it." It HURT her, in the long run, to do those things.

    She did (does) have a mental illness. But that doesn't take away responsibility for her behavior, especially since was was non-compliant with therapy or medications. She is also a pill addict, I later learned. She was only 19 when she left one night, escorted by the police (it took calling them after one of her violent episodes to get her to leave). I shudder to think what my household would have been like had I let her stay until 24. She is now 23. Still has many, many issues, but.. has survived so far. And finally, does NOT ask me for much help. She knows the answer.

    Keep that phrase in your mind.

    Anything you do to help him now, will only hurt him later.
  12. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    ant is also 24. I will not take him in, he has to learn on his own now. it never helped him to prolong his childhood.

    your son has other options, nudge him to choose them.
  13. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    This helped me detach ~ Ask yourself what would happen to your difficult child if you and your husband died tomorrow. He would have to learn to stand on his own two feet.

    I knew that my difficult child could make it on her own if she had to. I just had to find the strength to let it happen.

    She is doing very well on her own but if we had been willing to let her stay in our home, I know that she would still be working a part time job and that partying would be her fulltime activity.

    Trust me, all of the parents on the PE forum have gone through the same anguish that you are now. I think we ultimately came to accept that to truly help our children, we needed to let go.

    No matter how much they may protest.

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Have you ever watched the show on A&E (I think) called Intervention? If you havent, you should really try to catch it sometime. It comes on Friday nights and maybe repeats on Saturdays. Maybe you can find copies on Utube or the website...dunno. They have graphic shows depicting what it is like to be both the addict and the families of the addicts and what the interventions look like. I have been watching this show since I got my satellite back in July. Moving stuff.

    You need to do an intervention on your son. Maybe you could contact the show about him...they have a number or an email address at the end of the program.
  15. sameold sameold

    sameold sameold New Member

    Kathy had a good point. Ask yourself "what would happen to difficult child if husband and I die tomorrow" That is exactly what we asked ourselves last year and it jumped us into action. Good luck
  16. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    That is good. I went and talked to the voc rehab lady today. She told me based on his past drug history he has done about everything - he needed to go to inpatient rehab and she would not open his case unless he did. She said she had recommended it tohis probation officer. I called hisprobation officer and told him I agreed with her. He said why didnt she start the ball rolling and I told him my difficult child wasnt very willing to go - he said oh he thinks he has a choice - well he doesnt. He said he would talk to him his next visit. The lady at voc rehab suggested we have an intervention. but my difficult child today said he would go to rehab but he wanted his pills when he got out - I want him to go somewhere else when he gets out to get his own life together - I wish the probation officer would ask the judge to court order it. I told the probation officer thata he needs long term somewhere. I have been around this block before - I have done a lot of everything everyone else has done - had him locked up - involuntarily commited- called police - thrown him out - he doesnt even have a room now - he just crashes on the sofa - but I can tell since he doesnt have his Xanax anymore ( already used up and too soon for the next ) he is very ill. He barters Xanax in exchange for rides places or whatever he doesnt have money for he gives them a pill. He has no money - I need to make it his responsibliity but I just want him to move on and be responsible for himself and he cannot do that here. When he comes here he is back to being a kid because it is safe -
  17. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    OK, so what is the outcome? Where is he going? Where is he now?
  18. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Well from what I can tell is his prescription medications Xanax of which he already has no more because he uses it and barters it for rides places and his pain pills - when he is gone fromhere - i have no idea - he told me the other day he used mushrooms - so I dont know. I am sure it is not pretty. He is very ill lately. He raises his voice and blames me for everything. He doesnt want to be around when my husband is here and if they get into it it is bad.
  19. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    He's not sick, he's fiending. He wants his drugs. I don't believe for one second that he traded his Xanax for a ride. Nor does he need pain pills anymore. He wants the high from them.

    And once again, you are making excuses for him? Do you not see that? Not only that, you managed to dodge my question. Where is he now? Are you letting him stay with you if he is using mushrooms?

    The fact that he has the AUDACITY to decide that he does not want to be in YOUR house when your husband is there because it makes HIM uncomfortable...Oh my GOD. How do you allow him ANY SAY WHATSOEVER in YOUR house?

    I am so absolutely amazed at how this is working.
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">but my difficult child today said he would go to rehab but he wanted his pills when he got out - I want him to go somewhere else when he gets out to get his own life together - </div></div>

    Why not cross that bridge when you come to it?

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">he doesnt even have a room now - he just crashes on the sofa -</div></div>

    Yes, he does. It's called the living room, and his bed is the sofa.

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> but I can tell since he doesnt have his Xanax anymore ( already used up and too soon for the next ) he is very ill. He barters Xanax in exchange for rides places or whatever he doesnt have money for he gives them a pill. He has no money - I need to make it his responsibliity but I just want him to move on and be responsible for himself and he cannot do that here. When he comes here he is back to being a kid because it is safe -</div></div>

    He is 24 years old. Not four years old. Trading xanax for anything is a felony. You say you kicked him out, but he's sleeping on your sofa. You are sorely mistaken about your involvement in your son's addictions.

    Seriously, nobody, especially your son, gives a horse's patoot what you "want". The only thing that counts is what you do. And right now, you are supporting your son's drug addiction. If you "just want him to move on and be responsible for himself" then you need to do what necessary to make that happen. The sofa isn't it.

    What I have read here and in your other posts leads me to feel that you need an intervention at least as much as your son does.
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