Absolute resentment of difficult child, want him gone..

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by thestormyjourney, Mar 28, 2007.

  1. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    I guess I'm asking the ridiculous here, as I'm sure 99% of you have felt like this at some stage, and it's where I am now.

    I resent difficult child 1...soooo much I feel like I'm back at high school with an enemy. I resent his behaviour, I resent the way he is leading and encouraging difficult child 2 to behave the way he is and I resent his constant, antagonistic ways, they drive me round the bend. He is with me all the time with constant suspensions and I am sick of the sight of him. He plays on difficult child 2's rage and provokes him constantly to the point of meltdown, which I then have to deal with. He is so smug at the fact that he can play the school system and behave the way he does in order to get the suspension/expulsion he wants, and to stay home with me. I just wanna knock that smugness outta him (as horrible as it sounds.) I know my tolerance level for him is sooooo much less than the others, as I thankfully get a break from them when they are at school/ preschool. I know he can sense this resentment, which I try not to make known but kids pick up on everything,as we all well know. It sometimes get to the point where I have to force myself to be affectionate with him and constantly remind myself to kiss and cuddle him, which is a horrible way to live/feel, but at the moment thats how it is..

    I know my difficult child 2 would stand to have a MUCH better success with school/behaviour/life if they were separated, but sheeeesh...what a decision and then also his useless Father would have to agree..

    Thanks for listening to my vent...he just makes me so angry..

  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I can so relate. It helps me sometimes wehn I remind myself that my difficult child is truly ill. Other times it doesn't help so much. You do sound like you need a break. You need to take care of you and somehow find some me time. I know finding free time is easier said than done. Hugs to you.
  3. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    Thanks Sharon....I LOVE THIS BOARD!!
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I can't imagine many parents on this board haven't had moments of resentment, anger toward the illness that is making daily life hell.

    My moments of this nature went full circle & back to loving & appreciating my challenging difficult children. I think it's part of the journey to acceptance of what is at the moment.

    I hope you find a part of your day that is calm, grounding.
  5. oceans

    oceans New Member

    It can wear you down, and it does sound like you need a break. I don't know what you have available to you where you live for supports. AD's and stimulants did not work for my difficult child either. Perhaps there are some different medications that would better help him. Maybe a temporary stay with his dad would help, even if it were for a weekend.
  6. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I've not been to that point yet, but I have been mystified, over stessed, disappointed, bewildered, and exasperated!!!!!!!!

    Wondering if they have in school suspension in Australia. Here in the states you have out of school suspension and in school suspension. Usually there is a room set aside where your difficult child would just sit and do their school work and homework and be seperated from the rest of the student body. You may want to check into this at his school.

    Sounds like you need a break. Any chance someone can take the kids for a day or two this weekend so you can have some down time? Sometimes just a day or two break can really clear our minds. It's tough raising the kids on your own.....I know!!

    Take care,
  7. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    stormy, You're definitely NOT alone!!! I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've felt like you're feeling now... Living with difficult children, in my humble opinion, is sometimes like living in He**...

    I'm really sorry - I've been caught up in my own difficult child nightmares and haven't been around here too much lately. I really don't know much about your situation. I just want to tell you that I think your feelings are perfectly normal given what we have to endure day in and day out... Sending cyber hugs, WFEN :flower:
  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Storm, I know exactly how you feel! Sometimes all it takes is 1 min. of antagonism and it may as well be 1 yr., because of the history... we've got it all bottled up. And they can be SO contentious!!!! And SO defiant and contrary. I can't even come up with-enough words.
    Mon a.m. was truly horrendous. I was angry and never wanted to see difficult child again. Really. Mon night difficult child came into my ofc and got me off the computer to listen to an owl outside his window. There was an urgency in his voice that said something was going on, so I got up immediately. We stood at the open window and whispered back and forth (when my difficult child whispers, it's truly a miracle!) and imitated the owl and talked about how big it was (4 ft wingspan!). It was wonderful.
    I surprised myself by actually enjoying myself... I wasn't sure when my anger would wane. But it did.
    And yours will... I hope.
    I see your older difficult child isn't on any medications... all I can say is that with-o medications for my difficult child, I would have moved out by now. It is like night and day. I'm not a drug person but I'm all for results.
    The amazing thing is that my difficult child can be SO sweet and funny and loving, and then such a monster. And it's all the same person. I suspect the same is true for yours.
  9. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    I was going to ask about the in-school suspensions too. Both of mine spent so much time in there, they got very attached to the teacher!

    If they don't have it in your school system, it's something to check in to. Ours was just a room at the high school (elementary school kids were sent there too) supervised by a veteran teacher. Their work was brought to them and that's all they were allowed to do - just their school work. No talking, no socializing, no music, lunch was brought to them. They also were not allowed to participate in any school functions while on ISS - no ball games, no pep rallys, no field trips, no dances. Not so much fun in there but they got their work done. My kids grades actually improved while they were in ISS!
  10. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Maybe we can do a difficult child swap,LOL. No, I don't think that would work. I wouldn't want to risk getting somebody with more issues, plus I have all this practice with my difficult child. Wishing you peaceful moments.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I do understand, Stormy. About in-school suspensions - no, we don't seem to have these here. Not officially. But it sounds like something that should be possible to set up as part of an IEP. It would cost extra, but that's what funding is for. Sorry I can't remember in detail - have you got an IEP in place for him at all? Can you request a Learning Team Meeting at the school? Ask for the District Special Needs person to be present too. (by the way - is he state, or private? The catholic school system has similar support systems, though, because the funding is Federal and they can ALL tap into it).

    You need to break this cycle. You're right - he's getting off on having you around plus being able to annoy his brother. You need to prove that misbehaviour brings no reward, plus you need to break his extreme link with you. Make it clear to the school that he is getting rewarded with each suspension, because his aim is to be with you and he's winning. He needs the Aussie equivalent of in-school suspension, and if that needs DET to access emergency funding to pay for an aide to supervise working in school, then so be it.

    I do recall you said his school is fairly useless - another reason to talk to District Office. His local school MUST take him, they can't expel him due to his special needs, either, not without making alternate provisions for him. So far, they are failing in this.

    If you get no joy, call Bridge St (DET head office) and ask to talk to the Disabilities person there (I have a name somewhere if you need it) and say you have an extraordinarily difficult problem and you want their expert advice on what alternatives you can plug into in order to ensure your son gets educated appropriately.

    Assessments - how far have you got in getting his needs pinpointed? Sounds to me like you still need answers. If so, that is another battlefront. Community Health are supposed to help there but waiting lists are ridiculous. You could try Westmead (they have a brilliant group there), but chances are they'll refer you back to your area health service. It might be worth a try though. And if his name is on the waiting list, you can be trying to sort out other stuff while you're waiting. Frustrating, though.

    I can't recall - did you get a Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) score on him, in the informal test? If you do it, keep a copy of the printout, it could be helpful for a professional to see.

    Trying to deal with this on your own - no wonder you're feeling this way. You need back-up to support you emotionally while you try to get those who SHOULD be handling his education, to take the responsibility. He shouldn't be getting suspended all the time like this, they should be trying different measures instead of just making the same mistakes with him. There ARE other options, but you will probably need to really nag over the school's head to get some changes.

  12. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: kathie</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> Maybe we can do a difficult child swap,LOL. No, I don't think that would work. I wouldn't want to risk getting somebody with more issues, plus I have all this practice with my difficult child. Wishing you peaceful moments. </div></div>

    Hmmm - isn't that what the "tough love" people do? Make places in their homes for troubled kids, and have others do the same for their kids?

    I think their general idea is that as a "tough love" foster mom/dad, you can be more impartial since you don't have an emotional investment in the child. It's supposedly easier to set rules, consequences, rewards, and boundaries with a child that isn't your own.

    So, in a way, it IS like a "difficult child" swap meet. I don't know if it works, and my son is way too old for it (he's almost 18), but for some folks it seems to work. So, maybe the idea isn't as far-fetched as it first sounds, and would sure give the poor mum a much-needed break (as well as getting older difficult child away from the other one).

    Just a thought...

  13. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    So sorry Stormy for your current situation.

    I do want to tell, you, though, that you need to break the cycle between your difficult child's ASAP. I never had that problem in my house - my difficult child would rather live as a tennant than play Che Guiverra and start a revolution.

    But that's what it sounds like your difficult child 1 is doing - starting a revolution against you in the home, and enlisting his siblings in the insurrection. My wife works with a woman who had the same thing happen in her house: older difficult child brother, substance abuser, started to enlist his younger sister in his escapades, and useing her as an ally when the poor Mom finally found out and decided to take action.

    YMMV, but she immediately put her son out of the house (he was 19, daughter was 16). That broke the cabal, and while it took some time for her son to recover and make some sense of his life, getting him away from the daughter was necessary to prevent him from "infecting" her any further (her words).

    Your kids are younger, but from where I sit as an outsider the principal seems to be the same: you somehow need to find a way to break up the resistance cell in your home that your difficult child 1 is starting. He's young - maybe a temporary placement in Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? Even if it didn't help him much (let's hope that it would), it would at least give you some time to regroup, rest, and work with your docs/schools/whatever to formulate a plan. It would also give you some time to break the cycle with your younger difficult child.

    IANAD, but that's my "outsider's" perspective, for what it's worth.

    I pray for grace and peace for you and your house.

  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Actually, a swap might be useful for all of us. You can always see things more objectively when they're not your own. I would love to have someone watch my difficult child and interact with-him for a cpl wks (incl a meltdown) and then give me feedback.
    As you all know, our docs and friends only gets bits and pieces... we get the whole tamale.
  15. bonkers

    bonkers New Member

    Stormy -
    I am feeling the same thing right now, and I only have one difficult child! I think it is "normal" / "natural" for us to get to this point once in a while - it passes, and it returns again... I think it is part of a cycle...

    Do not feel alone, and try not to feel bad or guilty for your feelings...
  16. Karen & Crew

    Karen & Crew New Member

    You're not alone. I've never been to the point you are with my difficult child but I know my cousin has been with her difficult child. Just a couple of weeks ago she was wishing that either she would die or her difficult child would just to escape the daily h-e-!-! they live in.

    Big (((HUGS))) for you. I have no advice.
  17. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Storm, I know how you feel. I've written some threads like yours above. My difficult child can also push easy child's buttons, or manipulate him, or incourage him to act difficult child too. It's so infuriating!! :grrr: I agree with the others, you need to have some time alone. If you can, I'd get a babysitter so you can go do something. If you are like me, the thought of a babysitter was totally out of the question. I could not bring myself to hire someone to take all this 'abuse', I felt it was just wrong of me to put someone else through this. But you really need the break. One hour or two, per week, just so you can take a breather and go do something to recharge your batteries. Stay strong. :warrior:
  18. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    Thanks so much everyone, your advice and comments are more appreciated than you know, and Marg I am going to sift through your post and see what I can come up with in regards to the leads you supply. Thank you so much for all that..

    Thank you to everyone else whos suggestions make so much sense when I'm not in a mental state to sit down and calmly think about things.

    Today easy child is at preschool and GFG2is at school and I am going to lie on the lounge all day and watch movies...difficult child 1 can do his own thing, I am so down right now I can't even think..need to just do nothing.

    I should be getting an update from his principal over the next few days as to what they are going to put in place for him (this should be interesting) so will update when I find out..

    HUGS to all...

  19. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Just a very quick note, Storm - RIGHT NOW, switch on the ABC for the next hour. Every week day from 10 am to 11 am, the educational stuff is DEFINITELY worth watching. I always used to make difficult child 3 watch it, but he enjoys it all now and it's probably been more useful to him than anything he ever learned at school. If he's got some sort of activity he can do in front of the TV - now's the time. The move can wait anotheer hour? Or do you have another TV?

    Although I try to watch it with him so we can talk about it. I get his opinions on it. Whether it's too babyish for him, or too advanced - it doesn't matter. Just get him to watch it with you. Maybe snuggle under a (light, today) blanket together?

    I know I said to not reward him for being home, but this would be rewarding him for watching educational TV.

    Gotta dash. ABC education is on!

  20. thestormyjourney

    thestormyjourney New Member

    Thanks Marg, he actually does watch the abc educational show on hisown, he finds it interesting and as theres nothing else to do he enjoys it, hes a minefield of information and like a sponge he soaks up everything in the program...I guess he might ACTUALLY be learning something without realising it!!