Add my name to the list of strugglers

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by ML, Jul 15, 2008.

  1. ML

    ML Guest

    I have truly been an anchor of strength during the past several months. I've kept doing what had to be done each day. Commuting, working, extra curricular activities, homework (summer tutor), house cleaning, cooking... all of it getting done just by me. I had to learn that there's only me that I can count on. That's not sad in a self pitying kind of way either. I'm ok with having just me. I believe we all eventually come to that ultimately, though hopefully you get several decades of feeling like you're not " alone". Distractions, mates, etc. are nice and can bring true comfort. I just happen to have made the wrong choices enough times that I got to learn this truth for myself early. It's ok and I'm pretty much at peace with it.

    But I am getting tired. I wish that husband would just leave. I cannot take his active drinking any more. He has no where to go and more often than not he's too drunk to drive anywhere. His kids don't want to come get him. I told him I can't save him. He wants to die sometimes. He's on tons of medications and about a half gallon of vodka some days so he's on the right path. I just don't want to watch.

    How do I get him out?

    I went to an alanon meeting yesterday. It was good and I'm sure they can help me regain myself but I still want him out.

    Because I'm starting to stumble and the stress is taking its toll. I have to keep my mental health up for difficult child. I'm the only one he can truly count on.

    I had xdh take difficult child last night and I had planned to call the cops but when I came home he had the AA book out and was in grovel mode. I told him I couldn't save him. He wanted me to just let him sit in the garage with the engine running so he sort of put me in rescue mode because of course I went out there, turned it off and brought him inside. Today, he went to work and feels like do do. Today he doesn't want to die. He asked if the sherriff would be waiting for him when he got home and I told him the sherriff would only come if he was drinking. He's planning on going to some meetings this week.

    I feel trapped. I can't take his stuff on too.

    I feel like a loser. I am starting to cry at work. That's not doing my reputation a whole lot of good. I wish I didn't care so much what people think.

  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen we need a NEW room. I'm going looking.

    Seirously, I'm sorry. I don't know why people can't just be good.

  3. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    How do you get him out? You draw a line in the sand, tell him the consequences if he crosses it, and follow thru.

    Simple, huh? Yeah, right. I know. been there done that. My problem was follow thru...I just felt so darn guilty for not giving him "one more chance". So I hired a coach, but you can just as easily have a friend take on that role. He told me to read The Four Agreements (Witz just finished it). He suggested I start talking using husband's name, instead of "my husband" when I talked about him; call his family by name instead of brother in law, mother in law, father in law, etc. Funny how those little things helped. And he told me to learn to "be with myself". Don't think of it as being alone, think of it as spending quality time with you - and you'll find you enjoy it (that was never a problem for me...) In just a couple weeks, then, he helped hold me accountable. I told coach what I was going to do, I told husband what had to happen, and the consequences if it didn't, and I followed thru, and gave the coach updates nightly - I actually had to go face to face with him and tell him I did (or didn't) do what I said I was going to if husband did this or that.

    It really, really helped me get thru it.

    Hugs to you. You don't need this right now.
  4. ML

    ML Guest

    I want a coach. Does he know anyone in Colorado? Can you easy child me? I'm so glad that worked for you! Big hugs!
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I'm sorry you are struggling. I'm with Abbey...why can't people just be good?

    How do you get him out? You contact an attorney to find out what you can and cannot do. Then, if the attorney says you can, you pack a suitcase and leave it outside by the front door. After you've called the locksmith and had the locks changed.

    He's using the threats of suicide to keep you from doing anything. been there done that with my ex. If you think he's serious, call 911 for transport. Otherwise, don't engage it.

  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    So sorry you're dealing with all this. Why CAN'T people just be good? Sending hugs and lots and lots of extra strength for you to get through each day.
  7. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So sorry, Michele.
    Especially about the emotional blackmail. That s*cks.
    I know you feel emotionally exhausted. I am so sorry you are starting to cry at work. You have the world on your shoulders.
    I know you feel like it's your responsibility to "save" your h, but as you will learn in Alanon, it is NOT your responsibility. It's his.
    They teach in AA to take it one day at a time. I hope you can learn to do that for yourself. Thinking about everything at once will send you into a tailspin.
    You will get through this.
    I love the idea of a coach!
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry. I have no advice to add but am sending hugs and prayers your way.
  9. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    He is behaving like a difficult child. Notice how he asks what he can do before you call the sheriff? He will live up to that line - just like a kid - push, push, push but better stay just at the border line - it is still as stressful as if he crossed it. "If I do this will I get into trouble?" WAKE UP, H, You are suppose to be an adult - you don't ask Michele how much cr@@ she is willing to take - you just don't give her any.

    Michele, He needs help and he is tricking you into enabling him to live within his comfort zone without getting you too mad. Go to your local county office and ask to speak to a Chemical Dependency assessor. Talk to that person about what is going on and ask for options. If you qualify, there may be funds the county can use to provide inpatient treatment (many insurances will also pay for a low level of treatment). Then tell him that if he wants to continue with you, he must be admitted to this program. Go from there.

    Or you can contact an inpatient program yourself and get the info you need regarding the program and funding.

    Stay strong - You do not have to continue taking this disrespect.
  10. tryinghard

    tryinghard New Member

    No words of advice...just to let you know I am thinking of you and hope it all works out. Life with a difficult child is too trying to have to shoulder this type of a burden too....HUGS
  11. Christy

    Christy New Member

    Sending you ((hugs)) and a wish you the strength you need to get through this. I hope husband can stick to the program but if it is not the case, you must save yourself (for you and for difficult child).

    God luck,
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending hugs adn strength.

    Remember we are here for you.

  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Aw hun. I am so sorry for your struggle.

    I am very glad to hear that you went to an AlAnon meeting. DO keep going back. They will be your family in no time.

    Feel free to PM me if you like. As a recovering drunk/dope fiend myself, I would be happy to talk to you about it. We drunks can be real ***holes sometimes.

  14. OpenWindow

    OpenWindow Active Member

    I am so sorry you have to be dealing with a difficult child-husband in addition to everything else. There must be something in the air - I'm having major issues with my own husband and it seems like a lot of other people are too. The person that's supposed to be there for love and support just isn't, and is in fact making it 10 times worse.

    I'm sending whatever cyber-strength I can muster your way so you can deal with this extra stress. Hopefully he will either turn himself around or just get out.

  15. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    That is my take on it as well. If you want him out badly enough, that is what you have to do.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, I agree--I meant to mention the locksmith idea. :)
    Go for it.