Addiction recovery support meeting

[rejectedmom]

I'm also not comfortable asking anyone to "rescue" me from my own feelings. I need to figure out how to take care of myself and meet my own needs. The way I handled this weekend is clearly not the way to do that.

Identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. You are on your way! Have a spa day or maybe go to a museum or some other fun place you would enjoy and then treat yourself to dinner out. You will be surprised at how attentive waitt staff can be to women who dine alone. I know this first hand.

 

[Elsieshaye]

Rmom, thanks. Posting here helped a lot. I think just leaving the house every day will make the difference. I'm spending some time today planning the weekend in some detail. Already found my town's local NYE celebration (which I ignore every year as being "lame" but which definitely sounds more fun that sitting on my couch watching Netflix and talking to the cat, lol!).

 

[DammitJanet]

Well if you happen to be lucky enough to live in NYC...go to Time's Square and enjoy it for me! That has always been one of my dreams but I doubt I will ever get to do it. I came awful close in 2000 but we were all too sick to do it. We ended up staying with my family in Boston and watching it go down there. Close to NYC but not quite...lol.

 

[pinevalley]

I'm joining this discussion late with an update about our Christmas week-end. My difficult child has been an inpatient in a rehab center for the past two weeks, and my husband and I visited him on Christmas day. We were only allowed to see him for two hours, and we could bring presents which were searched to make sure that we were not bringing in drugs. It was hard for my husband and I to only see our son for a short time, but we know that he is in the right place to get help for his drug use. difficult child has been participating in the group therapy, and he keeps telling us that he does not want to use drugs anymore. Our difficult child insists that he is ready to leave rehab, and since he is 18 he can leave the rehab center anytime. The counselors have told us that it is too soon for difficult child to leave rehab, and we don't want to leave the rehab center for a few more weeks. difficult child has to be in court on Thursday for a preliminary hearing, because he was arrested for burglary in December. We are picking our son up at the rehab early in the morning for court, and we have made it clear that he has to return to rehab later that day after court. I think that he has only stayed at rehab so far because of this court case, and we told him that if he did not stay in rehab the judge might send him to jail for the burglary charge. The threat of jail scared difficult child, so that he agreed to stay in rehab until his court date. Anyway, Christmas was very quiet this year without our only son at home. But for the first time in months my husband and I can sleep well without wondering where our son is and if he is going to be arrested again. I'm sure many of you can understand just how we feel!

 

[Nancy]

pinevalley when our difficult child went to rehab it was the first time in years that we could go to sleep at night and not worry about where she was or what she was doing, so I certainly understand. When you go to court you may have an opportunity to talk to the prosecutor. Does your son have an attorney? In either case you may want to tell them that you would like rehab to be part of the sentencing. Courts do not want to send young people who have drug problems to jail. Jails are overcrowded and they have more serious crimes to deal with. I understand he was arrested for burglary but if you make it known that he has a drug problem and is currently in treatment they will probably order that instead of jail. Then he will have to remain there until the rehab center releases him and he may even have to go to a halfway house after that. Many of the people difficult child was in rehab with were court ordered. The facility had to prepare reports for the court every month and if the person left he is then held in contempt of court and the original sentence is imposed.

Nancy

 

[toughlovin]

Yes to everything Nancy said. I certainly understand the sleeping better at night.. I definitely sleep better when I know my son is safe in rehab then where he is who knows where doing who knows what. I also agree with what Nancy said about the court. That has been true in my sons case.... and the court stuff and probation has been a motivating factor for him as well... my son does not want to go to jail. Two weeks in jail was enough for him to give up the bravado on that one... he knows he does not want to do that again. So if your son has a lawyer speak to him about what you want...if the courts order it then it is them doing it not you.

TL

 

[DammitJanet]

Lots of places even have drug courts. I dont know if burglary would be able to fall into drug court if it was done because of drugs or not but maybe you could find out if your county has a drug court. Mine doesnt but many now do. Even my backwards county has mental illness/substance abuse intensive probation program. How Cory escaped that one I will never know. Cory just ended up on regular intensive probation. I did attempt to argue for mental illness intensive probation to force him into compliance with treatment.

 

[Nancy]

Janet the way it works here is if you have been arrested for a felony you go to common pleas court first. They determine if you are eligible for drug court and then the case is transferred there. But the burglary has to be dealt with in common pleas first and hopefully if it his first offense they can send it onto drug court.

Nancy

 

[Elsieshaye]

Pine, I felt the same way when difficult child was in juvenile detention (3 months) and then a group home. We "got to" visit him in the detention facility for both TG and Xmas (and actually one of the families was stupid enough to try to smuggle drugs to their kid in a pair of sneakers, tucked under the insole - one of the siblings had done it, but since the parents were the ones who brought the sneakers in, the parents were both arrested; good grief!). I never slept better than when I knew he was safe in someone else's custody. Sending you good thoughts.

 

[pinevalley]

Thanks for all the suggestions about making rehab part of the sentence for difficult child. We have a lawyer who will be in court tomorrow, and I'll ask him about that, and also about drug court. Our lawyer is trying to reduce the burglary charge to theft, which is a misdemeanor and won't be as bad as a felony for difficult child. We have letters from the rehab center and a private therapist about our difficult child's substance problems, and that is why he took a woman's purse and was charged with burglary. I think that difficult child has been cooperating at rehab because of this court date, and he will be angry and in denial when we take him back to rehab tomorrow. I have told that counselors at rehab that they may see a completely different side of difficult child after tomorrow, because he says he does not need rehab anymore and he wants to leave immediately. I can see that it would help us if the court orders rehab for difficult child, because then our son can be angry at the court instead of the counselors or his parents. He has another court date in 3 weeks for shoplifting, so it seems like it never ends with this kid. Whoever said that teens are adults when they become 18 never met our son!

 

[Nancy]

I hope his attorney can talk some sense into him. Does he think he will go to court and the court will just slap him on his hands and release him when they know he has a drug problemand until that is dealt with his criminal behavior will continue? Most young people difficult child was in the sober house with were thrilled that they were there instead of sitting in jail. It doesn't go away that easily, and shouldn't. That poor lady was robber and there are many others out there who will be robbed if addicts don;t get treatment.

Good luck, let us know how court goes.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, I thought you would find this interesting. I was talking to difficult child about the board and mentioned that I had learned a lot from someone on the board who had a daughter that was a lot like difficult child except that she was adopted.

difficult child then went into a spiel about how many of the people with addiction issues were adopted and that she thought that it was from exposure to drugs in the womb and abandonment issues. I told her I thought she was right.

I think it is interesting that she saw that on her own. I wonder if it was discussed in rehab.

~Kathy

 

[pepperidge]

I have two adopted kids, both of whom had prenatal exposure. While they are not yet 18 and not substance abusers not now and maybe not ever, I definitely see some potential there. I feel like it is an uphill battle. It is adoption, prenatal exposure, and I also believe whatever genetic predisposition to substance abuse issues. I think that there is some genetic predisposition as well--so it is a perfect trifecta--birthmom's own substance abuse issues, prenatal injuries coupled with all the emotional baggage of adoption. Working hard to avoid the potential train wreck.

I want to thank you all for sharing your experiences, sad, inspiring, and everything in between. As someone who saw some addiction issues firsthand (father and brother) I somehow feel some kinship to those who post often on this board.

I'm working on the whole concept of detachment--a useful concept for dealing with adult difficult children no matter what their issues.

Anyway, I just want to thank you all for all that you give here to others.

 

[Nancy]

Kathy thank you so much for telling me that. Don't get me started on the adoption issue. I have been preaching that since I got here 13 years ago. We have many friends and acquaintences who have adopted and the stories of their lives are very sad and disheartening. There are occassional success stories but more often heartache for all involved. I'm glad they are discussing it in group. Your difficult child is learning a lot and it's obvious that she is involved in the treatment.

The funny thing is I always thought your difficult child was adopted. She is so much like mine and the story is so similar that I just assumed.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Nope, I gave birth to the little dickens. But husband's brother was an alcoholic and bipolar so I think there is a genetic link at work in our case.

 

[Signorina]

Nope, I gave birth to the little dickens. But husband's brother was an alcoholic and bipolar so I think there is a genetic link at work in our case.

Ditto. I know there is a genetic link which is why I worry so about difficult child. H's 45 yo bro is an addict, perpetual Peter Pan/ne'er do well even now and we assume both brother in law & mother in law have mental health issues. (out of touch w mother in law 20 years. brother in law 3 years)

First thing the therapist said after hearing difficult child's (tall) tales of experimentation at age 16 was "who's the family addict?" Apparently, difficult child's appetite, tolerance etc. were sure signs of high genetic propensity to addiction. Eep

 

[toughlovin]

I am definitely convinced that my difficult children issues are in large part genetic... and the adoption issues made them more stark in some ways. I think he came from a different background that the way he grew up and so in some way he never felt he fit in... and genetically he probably didn't. So yes for him I think genetics and adoption played a big role.

However my easy child daughter is also adopted and she is doing great.... and is a definite success. I know many people with kids who were adopted who are doing very very well... so it is not an automatic thing that adoption means you have these kind of issues. But certainly the chances are higher.

TL

 

[dashcat]

Chiming in as another parent of an adopted difficult child. I am baffled a my daughter's assertations that she doesn't "fit in" with our family. I've also been baffled by her issues with self-esteem, having assumed (oh so wrongly) that my telling her she's wonderful/beautiful/talented/can do anything all her life would somehow make a difference.
Dash

 

[DammitJanet]

Okay...now I want to know...why a doctor would ask when seeing a child with issues would first ask "who's the family addict?" That actually makes me mad. So if my grandchildren have problems, my children will automatically tell their psychiatrists that grandma is on pain medications? And that is gonna make it right that they are drunks in the future? I dont think so.

 

[Signorina]

Janet, it was the WAY my son responded to substances physiologically that indicated a genetic propensity toward abuse. It was NOT a blame game. And it is important that a person with a genetic predisposition toward addiction understand that they are at higher risk for the disease- much in the same way as ANY disease. My grandma had breast cancer, so I get mammograms regularly. My dad was a diabetic, so I exercise and watch my weight even though I hate doing so. Know what I mean?? Really not a way of laying blame...just another tool to recognize the risks involved with addiction.

Somehow, I think I am putting my foot in my mouth a lot here lately. I apologize. Not my intent to hurt people. Maybe time for a break.