We know you are desperate for a family, for children of your own and I think we all truly understand that desire and the strength of it. You sound like good people, able and willing to create a loving home.
We know you see adoption as a way to get that while giving a home to two children who have been abandoned. It's a lovely ideal and we see ads on TV all the time that tell us how the story should turn out.
But that's TV and this is real life.
I think you need to pay attention to the words you are using when you talk about how you feel.
Not what you think.
How you feel.
The way you describe your reaction to the things you are experiencing.
This is important information. You have said:
the stress is really killing us
I dont want to go home afterwork anymore
Life sucks for us right now
i love him when he wants to be good but its so difficult to be around him when he is in his "I don't care" mood.
we just thought that they would appreciate having a "forever" family so much more than they do.
I am sick of the therapist saying that he doesnt know what he's doing.
We can have such a happy ending if he wants it.
For me, there are a bunch of red flags there that suggest you need to take more time with this decision. Do not let the foster agency or anyone else - including your own guilt or longing for a family - push you into this decision before you are ready to make it. There is nothing that says you cannot stay foster parents to these kids for years before you make the legal commitment to be their parents.
Are you and husband in couples therapy? If not, you really need to be doing that, preferably with a therapist who has worked with other childless couples pursuing adoption of older kids.
You are trying to find your way through an emotional and ethical minefield. Without someone like a skilled therapist helping you sort things out you are walking that minefield blindfolded.
Some of the things you are saying show a lack of knowledge or understanding about what are appropriate developmental expectations for these children.
Some of the things you are saying suggest you are angry and disappointed because they have not fulfilled your expectations - they are not grateful for the sacrifices you are making/expect to make in order to give them a home.
That, in my opinion, is the biggest red flag that you and husband need to take more time.
Most parents get to feeling their kids are ungrateful when their kids get to be teens. But that is a small part of the normal process of separation when our kids get to be teens.
Parents who have had a chance to form a strong loving bond with a child as an infant or young child have a bulwark against the negative feelings even normal teens can evoke in their parents. WE are attached to THEM. It's a biological thing and is incredibly powerful.
Yet, even with an intense physical attachment from birth, many loving, educated and enlightened parents find themselves on the verge of hitting their child or otherwise abusing them when pushed too far. It has only been 7 months. How angry will you be a year from now? Two years from now?
They are not little adults so they don't appreciate your good intentions and your hopeful plans for their future. And they probably aren't going to do that until they
are adults - just like most "normal" kids. Are you prepared to wait that long?
It's not impossible to raise difficult children successfully. I know of one family with 6 adopted children including 2 sibling pairs. All the children are special needs. The two oldest teens are brothers who are Aspies. They started fostering them when they were 8 and 9 I think. The other sibling pair are 5 and 3. They endured incredible physical and emotional neglect and abuse as young children. The youngest is a downs baby - well he was a baby, now he's 2.
Only time will tell for sure but so far they have succeeded with these children.
Both the parents have special training and provided therapeutic foster care for more than 10 years to many different children before starting to adopt kids. They have many supports including I think 20 hours a week of respite care, medical coverage for all the kids, income, physical therapy etc.
Both parents are at home full time. They are homeschooling all the kids. And their family is everything. They don't go on vacations like other people do, they don't go to the gym, they don't drop off the dry cleaning - everything is structured around a child's needs, illness, problems. At one point one of the ASPie boys was on a wrist ankle monitor and had to be arm's length at all time because he was having seizures that caused him to blank out and simply run - for hours. The second time it happened the police found him 3 hours later, naked and covered with mud. Sleeping all night is a pure luxury and I doubt either one has done so for many years.
Another couple I know has raised 17 adopted special needs kids. They started by fostering drug babies - for years they provided around the clock care to up to 8 babies at once. Again, both parents are home full time and have extensive supports in place to help make it possible. And they have at least 2 teens who are out on the street cause they truly practice tough love. These kids are always welcome back but they must follow the rules or they are out again - no big emotional scenes or blaming or excusing. These two women are the personification of detachment. And I think they have selective hearing loss down to a fine art
I personally think both these couples are reincarnations of Gandhi or the Buddha or something like that. My point being that they are so far beyond the realm of "normal" parents that you cannot compare yourself to them because you will never, ever measure up. Part of this is because they have the kind of training, experience and support they need to be as successful as it is possible to be. You are not going to get that help but may still be faced with enormous challenges that will require a similar level of structure in your home.
Your task is to see yourself and these children in the cold hard light of reality. You must see them for who they really are at this point, the good and the not so good - not who you wish they were or wish they will become.
In my house we call it a reality check. Are your expectations, beliefs or fears in line with reality?
Welcome to the board.
