adoption gone wrong

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by muttmeister, Dec 11, 2011.

  1. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    A young relative of mine and her husband have been waiting several years to adopt a baby. Finally they were matched with a mom and they were called this week as she was ready to deliver. My relative was in the delivery room as the baby (a boy) was born. They took him with them and spent the day with "their" new baby. Suddenly the baby's father showed up and refused to sign the papers. The birth mom felt unable to raise a baby but the alternative was to put him in foster care as the dad was definitely not capable. Birth mom was raised in foster care and wanted no part of that for her baby so she took him. Now my relatives have lost a baby, the birth mom has had her life completely changed against her will, the baby will be raised in a one parent home (OK, I was a single mother, but still...)with a lot less advantages. All of this so the sperm donor can show his power. They could have fought this in court but were told they had no chance of winning. And we wonder why girls who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant choose abortion over adoption.:badmood:
     
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hopefully he will see how HARD and DIFFICULT this is going to be......and change his mind for the betterment of his son. I'm sorry for your friends Mutt. My only other thought is that there IS an angel baby out there for them; and if the parents of this little boy were SO difficult child? Maybe this wasn't who they were destined to be with anyway.

    HUGS
     
  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    So hard, it is one of the big risks in adoption. My girlfriend was a foster mom and willing to adopt a couple of kids. She did adopt one, that's how we met, he has multiple needs too. but before him, she and her hubby had a baby placed (they are native american and her mom is a tribal lawyer so the baby was thru the tribe) and they named him and were raising him. she had young kids and was even able to nurse the baby. Funny enough he had a name starting with Q too. All of a sudden a few months later, the birth mom showed up and decided to take him back to the rez. That was that, she just took him. My friend was devastated. Her whole family was. Years later when they did their adoped son's ceremony on the rez where her family lived, they met the birth mom and their former son. Of course he didn't feel like their son, he was frozen in time as a baby to them. They were very poor, mom never got clean, the boy was a mess in terms of using, school progress, behavior etc. He had no idea they were his former adoptive parents. She was so sad for him but they pushed on and celebrated their son's adoption.

    It is just so painful. I had one adoption not work out, my choice, but it was really sad. (They never met me and had no idea) I am sorry for your family member. I wish it was different and I dont understand the laws in these cases, if he is not fit, and unwilling, then he should not be able to have legal say. Then there are other states where if a perfectly able dad wants to raise their child, they have no say and can't get their babies... the girl can just send them away. It is not rocket science. Do what they do for adoptive parents, a homestudy. so crazy.
     
  4. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    That's a very sad story. I wonder why she couldn't, or didn't, get him to resolve all this somehow before it got to that point. I'm sorry for your relatives- I can only imagine how painful that was. Would it be possible for the bio-mom to let the relatives 'foster' the baby, say for a year, while 'proving' bio-father's 'competency' (or lack thereof), then let them adopt the baby?
     
  5. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im also wondering if after the father realizes the costs to him of being a father if he will change his mind. Some so called men want the label of DAD but dont want the responsibilities that come with it. If he finds out he ends up going to jail time after time for not paying child support for this baby, he may be more than happy to have someone adopt him. Just a thought.
     
  6. buddy

    buddy New Member

    How many of them really go to jail? My sister has brought the address of her son's sperm donor to the child support enforcement folks and they will say, we can't locate him, etc. Every time they find a pay check and try to take money he leaves the job. He lives with a chick (she didn't know about ) and they have kids together, she doesn't declare him and collects assistance. He also financially supports her and their kids. HE has others he tricked so there is a long line of baby mommas. It is a sick system. My nephew is 12 now, and my sister has received less than 1000 for his whole life. Is it different in different states? counties? It has been just a joke here.
     
  7. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Or what about a some-what open adoption- so the bios can still have a little contact or whatever- they would know the baby is taken care of and could know them personally when age-appropriate?
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The reason we adopted overseas and from foster care (before we finally adopted Jumper), was because we saw this happen to several friends of ours. We were told to get the birthfather's signature BEFORE the baby was born or else it would be a "legal risk" adoption, meaning Dad can come back at any time and probably get his kid back, even if he isn't particularly suited to parenthood. It has happened in a few huge cases. Baby Jessica was returned to her birthfather at age two and Baby Richard at age FOUR. We didn't take any chances with Jumper. If birthfather would not sign, we were not going to count on adopting Jumper. But birthmother talked him into it (phew!).

    A lot of times, it's t he family that wants the kid to raise the child with a promise of helping out. Legally, there is really nothing you can do. It's extremely hard and very sad. Overseas adoption is much, much more predictable. Foster/adopt can be too, but you will probably get a very high needs child.

    So sorry for the loss and disappointment :<
     
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How sad for them, but a huge risk in adoption. I am surprised they let her take the baby home because in our state there is a 72 hour waiting period.

    I'm not sure you read my posts about my difficult child being pregnant but she was and it was a horrible situation with the boyfriend having a very long rap sheet and being hunted by several counties for court fines and costs and many stores. He has been in jail more than he has been out in his adult life. His genes together with hers would have most certainly made for a very diffiuclt time for this child. difficult child wanted to place it for adoption. He said he would never sign the papers, he was going to raise it. No matter that his mother left the family years ago and his fayther and sister are both in jail. She ended up having an abortion, and while it was tragic it was the only option that made any sense for her.

    I get very upset with these politicians who preach pro life. In ohio we have a bill in front of the governor who has promised to sign it that outlaws abortion after the heartbeat is first heard. You would think with how vocal they are that all the crisis houses for children and all the places helping unwed mothers would be brimming with supplies, funds, help and never want for anything. And yet every year the ones around here are begging for help. Where are they then. You would think all the babies that needed to be adopted would be adopted, that no child would want for anything. Why aren;t these people steping up to the plate and supporting the babies born from their preachings.

    Nancy
     
  10. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I wonder once child support or welfare comes after him if he'll suddenly decide fatherhood is not just fun and games. Or it could be possible the father hadn't had enough time yet to truly sort through how he felt about it. Could be the mom had waited to tell him. Never know.

    But it's sad to get to that point and have something happen. :(
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Well, once the child is not given to the prospective adoptive parent, the child is not theirs and if anything happened to sperm donor that would leave the child without him, the child would first be offered to birthmother and if she couldn't raise her, child would either go to a family member or into the foster care system. It's screwy, but our child custody laws take the parents into account far more than the child.

    Nancy, in Illinois we were allowed to take Jumper home straight from the hospital. They don't allow that in Wisconsin, where I live now. Every state is different regarding how soon the prospective adoptive parents can have take the child home. However, we did not have guardianship of her for four days. birthmother had to go to court to sign her rights away. Then she had severed her rights forever (in Illinois you can't go back once you sign. Since this applies to both birthmother AND birthfather's signature, if you get both to sign before the child is born, you are pretty much home free).
     
  12. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    When I was about ten my aunt and her husband adopted a little girl who was almost 2. She was a really sweet thing. In the 2 mos they had her they ended her caffeine addiction and got her teeth fixed at their own cost (NOT inexpensive when the child had been drinking coke out of bottles her entire life more than anything like formula or milk) and then the mom's family decided they didn't want the adoption and they came and took her for a "visit" and three days later called and said they were keeping her. That "visit" was to be an HOUR and they just took off with the toddler. My aunt was heartbroken and as much as she wanted another child she never tried again. It was one of the early open adoptions and it was incredibly painful. It broke up that marriage even though 20+ yrs later they remarried.

    The adoption system is so broken. I HATE all those who fight against abortion and then do NOTHING to help children, crisis centers, etc...... I know it is a strong word, but I have seen so many kids who have suffered so much and it could have been helped if a tiny bit of the $$ spent on the perks that the politicians and their cronies get went to help chidlren, children's mental health, etc..... I do feel blessed to live in a community that has worked hard to keep our schools well funded but I think our entire societal view of children's issues is entire wrong and in many ways immoral. HOW is that baby helped by contact with the father who isn 't fit to raise her and by living with a mother who would have preferred to not raise her? HOW is this good for the chidl when there is a family who is ready and eager to adopt the child and raise her with love and all that she owuld need? How is it better to build jails and not provide ANY mental helath services so that most of the mentally ill who don't have family resources end up in jail because it is the only place they can go besides the streets?

    I am so sorry for your relative's pain. this is just so screwed up.
     
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    In so many situations, in different ways, people face heartbreak. Whatever you do, someone is going to have their heart broken. Of course caring for life means providing practical care as well as inflammatory slogans. Some people do, quietly. I have no time for the ideologies and the people who stand on the sidelines, on whatever "side", accusing and judging. I am not in favour of abortion. But I understand why women feel they have no other option. I understand how it arises. I understand that choice is actually often a pretty meaningless concept in these situations.
    And in this situation... the prospective adoptive parents are naturally heartbroken. If I am honest, a part of me feels that it is a good thing for a baby to stay with its natural mother, even despite that heartbreak, which just involves me in the whole crazy conundrum of it all. I have adopted a child who was abandoned by his birth mother - abandoned because their society would have made her an outcast if she had kept him. In manyways it would have been best for him to stay with his natural mother, equipped with all the biological bonding mechanisms. But this is not the world as it is. I know sometimes it is better for a child to be adopted out and there is a real sadness to that. The sadness of life, really.
    I do feel all this deeply, as many of you do. I have no idealogy about these things so much as just a feeling of the heart that I cannot adequately convey... the preciousness of life, the sacredness of the bond between mother and child, the sadness that so often circumstances make it impossible for that to be nurtured and honoured. Not because people are bad or wicked or anything other than what we all are - human.
    If my son's birth mother had come wanting him back shortly after I adopted him, what would I have done? For me that would have been a real dilemma. If it happened now, I think it would be clearly in his best interests to stay with me and it would not be such an agonising thing.
     
  14. camlis1

    camlis1 New Member

    my son is adoptd and odd it is hard to dealwith a child that you love so much and that yu know you are giving a better life to and they have such struggles. my son and i were so close up until to weeks ago it was as if he took the odd and ran with it. im so confused for a boy that was so helpful and sweet turned to me and told me that i have to impact or influence over his life. i know we have to aviod the battle but i felt like screaming and what your biological parents bust their behind to get you what you want and provide. i dont know anymore i know he needs my support and love through this but the years of being cursed out and led on are sometmes hard to get over
     
  15. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Ohh, I am so sorry, for everyone.
    I've spoken with-people in similar situations and in fact, ours came very close with-difficult child. But the grandmothers told the bdad that he would be financially responsible for the baby, unless he signed. It always works.
    We went through two "missed" adoptions and I know the heartbreak, frustration, sense of loss, and anger.
    I am so sorry for the way this child will be raised. Maybe the mom will change her mind. But then your relatives have to go through the ups and downs all over again. What a tragedy.
     
  16. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    You know...

    In many situations, the birth father doesn't really have any rights - the mother only has to neglect to tell him about the baby, give it up for adoption, and by the time he finds out, there's nothing he can do. I know several guys that would gladly take the child and raise it, with no support from the mother. (Not all, by any stretch of the imagination!)

    THIS is one of those situation where it would have been best for this to happen. He wants the kid? Then WHY on EARTH does the birth mother have to raise the child? Why can't HE take on the responsibility?

    The heartbreak this young man just caused is more far-reaching than he knows. He had around six months to take a stand, why wait til the last moment? Ugh. (And if he had just found out, shame on the birth mom.)
     
  17. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    What a sad situation. I am so sorry to hear this. I had friends that adopted that went throught this with one birthmother but were finally able to adopt after 7 long, long years. I'm so sorry for the grieving family.
     
  18. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Many decades ago I contemplated adopting. Over the years I had alot of experience with the system which included foster/adopt homes. I admire people who go that route but most of the time it seems that they are in jeopardy. The babies and children are surely in jeopardy. I'm very sorry for your heart broken relatives. If I had to place a wager I'd say that the paternal grandparents most likely triggered his change of heart. DDD
     
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD...that could well be true but also what Step says makes sense. I hope this isnt a case of the biomom not telling the biofather about the child until the last minute. That would be heartbreaking and very hard to take for anyone. As the mother of boys, I have to tell you I dont know how I would react to knowing that I had grandchildren out there that I would never be able to know. I think it would be difficult at best. Especially if I only found out at the last minute.
     
  20. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    My Dex was screwing around on me and I was in the midst of tossing him when I found out I was pregnant with Wee. I'm not proud of it, but I contemplated termination because I knew I could not hold together that marriage, difficult child 1, and a baby.
    My Dex found out and threatened me with court orders to not terminate.
    He left when Wee was 6 months old.
    And ya'll have seen where he's been since...
     
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