Adoption has changed so much. I'm scared.
- Thread starter BusynMember
- Start date
rejectedmom
New Member
Terry do not get me started on the media. In my opinion they are the real terrorists in this world. I'm sorry didn't mean to hijack the thread. I agree that the media gives both foster parents and adoptive parents a very hard review whenever they get a chance. I would just like to see them give equal coverage to all the foster and adoptive parents who have given thier lives up and had their hearts broken over and over again. -RM
ThreeShadows
Quid me anxia?
It's also the entire adoption "industry" which chooses to focus on the negatives of the situation. I went to an adoption discussion given by the largest agency in Maine. Their panel consisted of a biomom straight out of a Greek tragedy, dressed entirely in black, including a shawl. She told her story, it was horrible. Her parents had forced her to relinquish her baby, then the agency told her that the child had died!!! The "deceased" child had not been placed in a permanent home because he had major health problems. He spent years in the foster care system and found his mom when he was 18.
The adult adoptee was a lawyer whose grandparents refused to accept him because his sibs were the bio kids of his family. They NEVER gave him Xmas presents, walking right by him to present gifts to their blood! He considered every adoptee to be a child at risk. The adoptive parents on the panel were quiet and had little to say (maybe they were afraid of seeming non easy child...).
By the time the discussion was over, the entire audience of us "infertiles" looked like it had been hit on the head. I was furious and made my first ever public statement that the situation seemed desperate but that we had had a miracle happen and now were raising twins as our own, that people should not accept to be dissuaded from living their dreams of having a family created through adoption.
Why couln't they have chosen a panel whose wounds were not so raw?
By the way, that biomom was running support groups for other biomoms in Portland! She was one angry woman, had every right to be furious but had no business being on this panel and certainly had not resolved her issues enough to be a good group leader.
The adult adoptee was a lawyer whose grandparents refused to accept him because his sibs were the bio kids of his family. They NEVER gave him Xmas presents, walking right by him to present gifts to their blood! He considered every adoptee to be a child at risk. The adoptive parents on the panel were quiet and had little to say (maybe they were afraid of seeming non easy child...).
By the time the discussion was over, the entire audience of us "infertiles" looked like it had been hit on the head. I was furious and made my first ever public statement that the situation seemed desperate but that we had had a miracle happen and now were raising twins as our own, that people should not accept to be dissuaded from living their dreams of having a family created through adoption.
Why couln't they have chosen a panel whose wounds were not so raw?
By the way, that biomom was running support groups for other biomoms in Portland! She was one angry woman, had every right to be furious but had no business being on this panel and certainly had not resolved her issues enough to be a good group leader.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Behind every bio. mom is a woman who either gave into family pressure to give up a child (she didn't have to give in to that pressure, sorry, many women and even girls DO NOT give into the pressure) or they were unfit to raise their children. Did they really WANT to get up at 3am to feed them and change their diapers and get vomited on or go through the hideous teen years? I am so tired of Birthmother Martyr Syndrome.
Today I heard from N's birthmother. I hadn't expected to, but as soon as I read her e-mail, I did feel ashamed. She is a wonderful person, I'd loved her very much, and she still wants what is best for N. She is not on a soap box. She is not screeching about "first mom" rights. She thanked me over and over again for contacting and sending pictures and letting her to let her know how N. was doing and for doing such a good job and told us that N. wasn't far from her thoughts. She explained that she had a hub and three kids now and couldn't have a lot of contact because her hub was uncomfortable with it, but she wanted to help N. in any way. The bottom line, she didn't want to hurt anyone. Now I know how N. got to be such a great kid. It certainly wasn't her drug addict birthfather who is currently in jail (again). Maybe he should complain from prison that he was "forced" to give up his rights by birthmother--she pressured him...haha. But it really HAS gotten that silly.
Reunion shows on television also make me sick. The adoptive mothers are never there. We don't matter. All we see is whining about us and squealing when "real" families meet. Sure, some adoptees are mistreated. So are birthkids. I personally think that since adoption is harder than raising birthchildren many adoptive moms go way WAY above the call of duty...way above what many FIRSTMOTHERS would do for their kids. And I'm tired, tired, tired of the demonizing. Nobody put a gun to any birthmother's head to get her to sign her rights away. Ok, I just stepped off the soap box
Today I heard from N's birthmother. I hadn't expected to, but as soon as I read her e-mail, I did feel ashamed. She is a wonderful person, I'd loved her very much, and she still wants what is best for N. She is not on a soap box. She is not screeching about "first mom" rights. She thanked me over and over again for contacting and sending pictures and letting her to let her know how N. was doing and for doing such a good job and told us that N. wasn't far from her thoughts. She explained that she had a hub and three kids now and couldn't have a lot of contact because her hub was uncomfortable with it, but she wanted to help N. in any way. The bottom line, she didn't want to hurt anyone. Now I know how N. got to be such a great kid. It certainly wasn't her drug addict birthfather who is currently in jail (again). Maybe he should complain from prison that he was "forced" to give up his rights by birthmother--she pressured him...haha. But it really HAS gotten that silly.
Reunion shows on television also make me sick. The adoptive mothers are never there. We don't matter. All we see is whining about us and squealing when "real" families meet. Sure, some adoptees are mistreated. So are birthkids. I personally think that since adoption is harder than raising birthchildren many adoptive moms go way WAY above the call of duty...way above what many FIRSTMOTHERS would do for their kids. And I'm tired, tired, tired of the demonizing. Nobody put a gun to any birthmother's head to get her to sign her rights away. Ok, I just stepped off the soap box
N
Nomad
Guest
I too applaud the honesty here.
I am also a parent of an adopted child. There have been moments, moreso in recent years, that I have also felt a certain bias AGAINST adopting parents. It's not extreme, but it is there.
It concerns me when adults, adopted as children, find their birthfamilies and then chose to ignore the families who raised, cared and loved them. These are their real families. A mature adult birthparent, would understand this, and at the very least, would look to encourage a cooperative relationship.
For me, adoption has changed me significantly...in some positive ways and in some not so positive ones. It has been difficult and not always easy to explain.
It is a sensitive, complicated and hard subject.
I've had twenty years of tired. As best as I can...I am moving forward.
MWM....sending you lots of good wishes and support.
I am also a parent of an adopted child. There have been moments, moreso in recent years, that I have also felt a certain bias AGAINST adopting parents. It's not extreme, but it is there.
It concerns me when adults, adopted as children, find their birthfamilies and then chose to ignore the families who raised, cared and loved them. These are their real families. A mature adult birthparent, would understand this, and at the very least, would look to encourage a cooperative relationship.
For me, adoption has changed me significantly...in some positive ways and in some not so positive ones. It has been difficult and not always easy to explain.
It is a sensitive, complicated and hard subject.
I've had twenty years of tired. As best as I can...I am moving forward.
MWM....sending you lots of good wishes and support.
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
THanks to all. Since I started this thread and heard from N's birthmother I feel a lot better. She really is a great person. She'd NEVER try to talk N. into dumping us and N. is a great person--she wouldn't do it. My fear is the birthfather's family who have a really bad attitude and a lot of dysfunction, but I'm not convinced that N. will choose to hang with them much. She already told me that the first thing she'd say to her b-father if she ever saw him in jail (which won't happen; we won't make the nine hour drive to have her visit him in a moderate to high security prison) is "Why are you so STUPID?" But I know in her heart she has a little bit of a soft spot for him, which would stop as she got to know him and he repeatedly made empty promises to her. He has a tatoo with her name on it on his back. Isn't that cute? (sarcasm). We found out by checking his inmate picture. It had a description of his tatoos. But daughter is young and thinks it means he loves her. Blech!
To Nomad, I noticed a BIG backlash of anger and hate toward adoptive parents since I've been on the internet. My attitude is, if you want to raise your child then do it, even if it's hard. Very hard. If you don't, don't cry about it later on. I'm so tired of the whining I could scream.
To Nomad, I noticed a BIG backlash of anger and hate toward adoptive parents since I've been on the internet. My attitude is, if you want to raise your child then do it, even if it's hard. Very hard. If you don't, don't cry about it later on. I'm so tired of the whining I could scream.
compassion
Member
MM, I have been involved in open adopitons with my two kids by adoption for 19 years. We visit my son's bfamily now once a year and exhange birthday cards, Christmas cards, letters. With difficult child daughter, I send updates once a year,she has never written back.
Here is my experince: It is about boundaries. I am the parent 24/7. Genetic though does haave lots of bearing. By beiang the loving stable parent 24/7, my son has seen how differnt his life is than his 3 full birthbrothers and his birthmom and her husband and his birthfamily. Becsuse of the consistency and support we have been able to offer my son, adopted since birth he has accompllishe dmore than his birthfamily has been able to do and birthmom isnow 34 years old. We love them though and they love us. I can't fix them or resuce them.I set very frim baoundaries. I ahave never let my son see them without me. A lot of their strgths are awesome, they are funny, energetic,crative. There is also very clear alcholsism and A severe ADD on both sides. My son is so bonded and connected with me, he has had realtionship with birthfamily all onlg and see how unreliable,etc. they are. So, they are a very small part of his life. Important, noone else looks like htem,acts so muchlike him but he has a very full rich life going many positve places. It is fascniatng about genetics. Both he and birthmo have shark phobia, and a lot of similar quirks. They are both so warm hearted and sweet.
With my difficult child daighter, i now suspect birthmom and proably birthdad are bipolar with subatance abuse isssues. I have conssitenly sent updates and pics.Birthmom was older when difficult child was born, late thirties. Hoepfully, difficult child can get the help and support and utilize her gifts which are many. i did meet birthmom and birth grandma when she was born. They all played the drums. difficult child is talented musically, plays many instruments, sings,etc. The birthmom was a mortage appraser. difficult child is analytical,etc.
Compassion
Here is my experince: It is about boundaries. I am the parent 24/7. Genetic though does haave lots of bearing. By beiang the loving stable parent 24/7, my son has seen how differnt his life is than his 3 full birthbrothers and his birthmom and her husband and his birthfamily. Becsuse of the consistency and support we have been able to offer my son, adopted since birth he has accompllishe dmore than his birthfamily has been able to do and birthmom isnow 34 years old. We love them though and they love us. I can't fix them or resuce them.I set very frim baoundaries. I ahave never let my son see them without me. A lot of their strgths are awesome, they are funny, energetic,crative. There is also very clear alcholsism and A severe ADD on both sides. My son is so bonded and connected with me, he has had realtionship with birthfamily all onlg and see how unreliable,etc. they are. So, they are a very small part of his life. Important, noone else looks like htem,acts so muchlike him but he has a very full rich life going many positve places. It is fascniatng about genetics. Both he and birthmo have shark phobia, and a lot of similar quirks. They are both so warm hearted and sweet.
With my difficult child daighter, i now suspect birthmom and proably birthdad are bipolar with subatance abuse isssues. I have conssitenly sent updates and pics.Birthmom was older when difficult child was born, late thirties. Hoepfully, difficult child can get the help and support and utilize her gifts which are many. i did meet birthmom and birth grandma when she was born. They all played the drums. difficult child is talented musically, plays many instruments, sings,etc. The birthmom was a mortage appraser. difficult child is analytical,etc.
Compassion
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
Thanks so much for sharing everyone. How generous of all of you!
Actually, N's birthmother is bright, sweet, kind and thoughtful. N. will love her. I'm sure her household isn't dysfunctional. She married her first child's birthfather and had two other kids with him. She is not a substance abuser or in any way unfit to raise a child. She made the adoption decision because of where she was and where her birthfather was AT THE TIME. Her own mother helped her with her son in his early years, but wouldn't help her with N. because she is part black. She wanted a better life for her daughter, plus, very realistically, she needed her mother's help if she was to raise two children alone. She chose adoption to give her baby a stable two parent family who didn't have racial issues. We had already adopted asian kids and one African American boy. We got along SO GREAT that I missed her when shes closed the adoption, which was due to her new hub's insecurities about our openness. Now we are writing back and forth like we haven't missed a beat. I even told her about my fear of losing N. to her and she wrote back RIGHT AWAY to assure me that she'd never do that--that N. is my daughter and that she is just another person who loves her very much. We are actually very much alike and really really LIKE one another a lot. N. is a peaceful, loving child--she said she hoped that one day she'd see her "two mothers" hug each other. She will.
I'm 55 and birthmother is 33. When I'm no longer here, at least she will still have another mom around to be with her. N's birthmother has NONE of those, "I hate adoptive parent" issues. Instead, she is grateful. I wonder who these angry people on the internet really are and why they get their attitudes. I suspect they are a small portion of adoptees and a larger portion of birthmothers who feel that even though the birthmother didn't spend one minute mothering this child, by virtue of giving birth to that child, SHE is the REAL mother. It burns me up. I sense this entitlement attitude with N's birthfather's family. But N. has been raised with total honesty in her life and birthfahter and his family are secret holders and liars. N. values the truth. I think she'll want to meet them and then maybe see them once in a while, but I can't imagine her actually LIKING them. She has her birthmother's heart and, I hope, our values. She's not a rebellious or dysfunctional person like most of my kids...lol! I can't see her enjoying either the chaos or the lack of warmth in his family.
Actually, N's birthmother is bright, sweet, kind and thoughtful. N. will love her. I'm sure her household isn't dysfunctional. She married her first child's birthfather and had two other kids with him. She is not a substance abuser or in any way unfit to raise a child. She made the adoption decision because of where she was and where her birthfather was AT THE TIME. Her own mother helped her with her son in his early years, but wouldn't help her with N. because she is part black. She wanted a better life for her daughter, plus, very realistically, she needed her mother's help if she was to raise two children alone. She chose adoption to give her baby a stable two parent family who didn't have racial issues. We had already adopted asian kids and one African American boy. We got along SO GREAT that I missed her when shes closed the adoption, which was due to her new hub's insecurities about our openness. Now we are writing back and forth like we haven't missed a beat. I even told her about my fear of losing N. to her and she wrote back RIGHT AWAY to assure me that she'd never do that--that N. is my daughter and that she is just another person who loves her very much. We are actually very much alike and really really LIKE one another a lot. N. is a peaceful, loving child--she said she hoped that one day she'd see her "two mothers" hug each other. She will.
I'm 55 and birthmother is 33. When I'm no longer here, at least she will still have another mom around to be with her. N's birthmother has NONE of those, "I hate adoptive parent" issues. Instead, she is grateful. I wonder who these angry people on the internet really are and why they get their attitudes. I suspect they are a small portion of adoptees and a larger portion of birthmothers who feel that even though the birthmother didn't spend one minute mothering this child, by virtue of giving birth to that child, SHE is the REAL mother. It burns me up. I sense this entitlement attitude with N's birthfather's family. But N. has been raised with total honesty in her life and birthfahter and his family are secret holders and liars. N. values the truth. I think she'll want to meet them and then maybe see them once in a while, but I can't imagine her actually LIKING them. She has her birthmother's heart and, I hope, our values. She's not a rebellious or dysfunctional person like most of my kids...lol! I can't see her enjoying either the chaos or the lack of warmth in his family.
N
Nomad
Guest
Terry...I agree...an out of control...irresponsible media.
It is damaging, pathetic and tragic.
Compassion...
The bipolar diagnosis seems to be common in these scenarios. It is often difficult to maintain consistent boundaries when working with those diagnosis'd with this condition.
Those who know me here...know that although our daughter has a good heart and has many attributes, it has been 20+ difficult years of consistent drama and trauma. There have been minor improvements, but the roller coaster continues today. She is on disability and in a small apartment near our home. Having her live nearby has afforded husband and I some breathing room. To say it has been "difficult," would be an understatement. Since she has been out of the home, I have started working part time and doing other very exciting things with my life...
It is damaging, pathetic and tragic.
Compassion...
The bipolar diagnosis seems to be common in these scenarios. It is often difficult to maintain consistent boundaries when working with those diagnosis'd with this condition.
Those who know me here...know that although our daughter has a good heart and has many attributes, it has been 20+ difficult years of consistent drama and trauma. There have been minor improvements, but the roller coaster continues today. She is on disability and in a small apartment near our home. Having her live nearby has afforded husband and I some breathing room. To say it has been "difficult," would be an understatement. Since she has been out of the home, I have started working part time and doing other very exciting things with my life...
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