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Adoption, the Unknown, and Fetal Alcohol Exposure
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 374542" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>WW, the behaviour you describe, even the extreme degree of it, ALL of it is what we see or have seen in difficult child 3. And more. There is absolutely no way difficult child 3 has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) whatsoever, since I know how much I drank both before pregnancy and during it - zero. I used to drink, bot never a vast amount and I didn't start drinking at all until late teens/ I was a uni student at 19 or older before I drank more than half a glass of anything. I did try to get drunk a couple of times and gave up because I just didn't like it and found it boring. At most I've only been a light drinker but after my liver began to misbehave (medication-related initially) I stopped all alcohol. For decades now. I do have maybe half a glass of champagne at Christmas.</p><p></p><p>So absolutely no way was I drinking any alcohol when pregnant with difficult child 3, not even before I knew. So no way could he be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE).</p><p></p><p>I do worry that especially with adopted children, we tend to cry, "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)!" at the first concern. Yes, I know some mothers (especially those who don't care about what happens to a pregnancy they don't want) are likely to drink during pregnancy and lie about it. But I don't see those as the majority. A woman who is breastfeeding a 3 month old probably isn't drinking much if anything, because I found out very early when I had easy child, that if I had anything to drink, even half a glass of wine with dinner, my ability to cope went out the window and my already desperate need for sleep multiplied until I was useless.</p><p></p><p>We need to think broadly about the sort of people who put a baby up for adoption. And their reasons. Usually it's because the birth mother can't cope with raising the baby herself.</p><p></p><p>Why can't the birth mother cope? A range of reasons:</p><p></p><p>1) Too young, too inexperienced.</p><p></p><p>2) Unfit - a drinker, drug user, abusive or violent.</p><p></p><p>Why would someone be unfit or unable to cope?</p><p>They could be mentally unstable. Financially insecure or irresponsible. </p><p></p><p>My sister's first adopted child was 10 months old when he arrived. We were told that his birth mother was mentally retarded (that was the term then) and he had been raised by his grandmother, who could no longer cope. The birth mother was not on the scene. She'd had the baby and left him with her mother. But of course, birth mother and grandma were both illiterate, we were told, due to "not being the full quid".</p><p></p><p>As we watched the boy grow, it was soon apparent to us that there was no mental retardation there. He was in fact a very bright kid, he responded well in a lot of ways. He was a handful at times and a behaviour problem at times. He liked things the same, didn't like change. But when he started school the problems began, at about Grade 1. He was dyslexic. back in those days it wasn't recognised so well; I was studying child psychology at the time and recognised the problem, my sister then got him help very early. But despite the early help, my nephew had severe problems with dyslexia and there were no supports in place at school. In his early teens things got so bad tat he got onto drugs and ran away from home, ended up on the streets as a junkie with a criminal record.</p><p>He now has sons. Of those sons, two are doing OK. Another has dyslexia (but support is much better these days) and another has Asperger's.</p><p></p><p>We know a lot of these conditions have a hereditary component. When we look back at what we were told about my nephew's birth mother, i think it highly likely that her diagnosis of "mental retardation" was due to her being dyslexic. In her generation, we had IQ tests done on all school kids (I remember them being done on me) and schools used these a lot to set expectations for students. They were written tests, all students went to the school hall and sat these written IQ tests like we were sitting exams. Someone with dyslexia would have failed such a test and been labelled.</p><p></p><p>What I'm saying - there can be a lot of reasons for a child being put up for adoption. The sort of reasons can have a hereditary component - bipolar, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), addiction, ADHD. If the adopted child has problems, then first thing is to consider that a bio-parent who had these problems would, if untreated, be more likely to need to put the child up for adoption. </p><p></p><p>It's not necessarily alcohol. Probably far less likely that you might think.</p><p></p><p>Certainly, give Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) suitable consideration. But don't go desperately looking for it, because:</p><p></p><p>1) It is less likely, there are other more likely explanations; and</p><p></p><p>2) Other explanations are preferable because at least a child with autism can be helped, more than a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS).</p><p></p><p>Take the diagnosis that provides more support and more help. And more hope. </p><p></p><p>Seriously, what you described - the inability to treat adults and children any differently (what I refer to as APPARENT lack of respect) so he's often rude to people, shouting at therapists, grandparents etc (it's all connected); lags socially and developmentally (especially with toiletting); low frustration level; speech apraxia; likely to rage with minimal stimulus - oh yes, it is all familiar and all very much consistent with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Every kid is different, I can compare difficult child 3 with other autistic kids we know and a number of them are far more docile. But then, that is when I see them in public, and now in their mid-teens, they have learnt how to be socially appropriate in public, most of the time. But one boy I can think of at 10 is a real problem, with all these issues. He's a ball of energy, drives everyone nuts and is verbally abusive much of the time. Extremely intolerant of anyone who can't instantly read his mind. I'm wondering if perhaps it is the brighter High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kids who are more of a handful, more of a worry.</p><p></p><p>I remember when getting difficult child 1 & difficult child 3 checked out for Fragile X. I looked it up, was convinced that I could see the physical features. The blood tests were done, came back negative. And when I looked for the physical features I had been so sure were there - I couldn't see them.</p><p></p><p>It is very much a case of "seek and ye shall find".</p><p></p><p>So by all means get him checked out, to allay your fears. But take it from me - bad as it is for you, and I know how bad it can get - your boy could have it all explained under the autism umbrella. Those parents who raise their eyebrows - they don't know how lucky they are. Or maybe their child isn't as high functioning as yours and mine.</p><p></p><p>Hang in there.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 374542, member: 1991"] WW, the behaviour you describe, even the extreme degree of it, ALL of it is what we see or have seen in difficult child 3. And more. There is absolutely no way difficult child 3 has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) whatsoever, since I know how much I drank both before pregnancy and during it - zero. I used to drink, bot never a vast amount and I didn't start drinking at all until late teens/ I was a uni student at 19 or older before I drank more than half a glass of anything. I did try to get drunk a couple of times and gave up because I just didn't like it and found it boring. At most I've only been a light drinker but after my liver began to misbehave (medication-related initially) I stopped all alcohol. For decades now. I do have maybe half a glass of champagne at Christmas. So absolutely no way was I drinking any alcohol when pregnant with difficult child 3, not even before I knew. So no way could he be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). I do worry that especially with adopted children, we tend to cry, "Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS)!" at the first concern. Yes, I know some mothers (especially those who don't care about what happens to a pregnancy they don't want) are likely to drink during pregnancy and lie about it. But I don't see those as the majority. A woman who is breastfeeding a 3 month old probably isn't drinking much if anything, because I found out very early when I had easy child, that if I had anything to drink, even half a glass of wine with dinner, my ability to cope went out the window and my already desperate need for sleep multiplied until I was useless. We need to think broadly about the sort of people who put a baby up for adoption. And their reasons. Usually it's because the birth mother can't cope with raising the baby herself. Why can't the birth mother cope? A range of reasons: 1) Too young, too inexperienced. 2) Unfit - a drinker, drug user, abusive or violent. Why would someone be unfit or unable to cope? They could be mentally unstable. Financially insecure or irresponsible. My sister's first adopted child was 10 months old when he arrived. We were told that his birth mother was mentally retarded (that was the term then) and he had been raised by his grandmother, who could no longer cope. The birth mother was not on the scene. She'd had the baby and left him with her mother. But of course, birth mother and grandma were both illiterate, we were told, due to "not being the full quid". As we watched the boy grow, it was soon apparent to us that there was no mental retardation there. He was in fact a very bright kid, he responded well in a lot of ways. He was a handful at times and a behaviour problem at times. He liked things the same, didn't like change. But when he started school the problems began, at about Grade 1. He was dyslexic. back in those days it wasn't recognised so well; I was studying child psychology at the time and recognised the problem, my sister then got him help very early. But despite the early help, my nephew had severe problems with dyslexia and there were no supports in place at school. In his early teens things got so bad tat he got onto drugs and ran away from home, ended up on the streets as a junkie with a criminal record. He now has sons. Of those sons, two are doing OK. Another has dyslexia (but support is much better these days) and another has Asperger's. We know a lot of these conditions have a hereditary component. When we look back at what we were told about my nephew's birth mother, i think it highly likely that her diagnosis of "mental retardation" was due to her being dyslexic. In her generation, we had IQ tests done on all school kids (I remember them being done on me) and schools used these a lot to set expectations for students. They were written tests, all students went to the school hall and sat these written IQ tests like we were sitting exams. Someone with dyslexia would have failed such a test and been labelled. What I'm saying - there can be a lot of reasons for a child being put up for adoption. The sort of reasons can have a hereditary component - bipolar, Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), addiction, ADHD. If the adopted child has problems, then first thing is to consider that a bio-parent who had these problems would, if untreated, be more likely to need to put the child up for adoption. It's not necessarily alcohol. Probably far less likely that you might think. Certainly, give Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) or Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) suitable consideration. But don't go desperately looking for it, because: 1) It is less likely, there are other more likely explanations; and 2) Other explanations are preferable because at least a child with autism can be helped, more than a child with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS). Take the diagnosis that provides more support and more help. And more hope. Seriously, what you described - the inability to treat adults and children any differently (what I refer to as APPARENT lack of respect) so he's often rude to people, shouting at therapists, grandparents etc (it's all connected); lags socially and developmentally (especially with toiletting); low frustration level; speech apraxia; likely to rage with minimal stimulus - oh yes, it is all familiar and all very much consistent with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Every kid is different, I can compare difficult child 3 with other autistic kids we know and a number of them are far more docile. But then, that is when I see them in public, and now in their mid-teens, they have learnt how to be socially appropriate in public, most of the time. But one boy I can think of at 10 is a real problem, with all these issues. He's a ball of energy, drives everyone nuts and is verbally abusive much of the time. Extremely intolerant of anyone who can't instantly read his mind. I'm wondering if perhaps it is the brighter High-Functioning Autism (HFA) kids who are more of a handful, more of a worry. I remember when getting difficult child 1 & difficult child 3 checked out for Fragile X. I looked it up, was convinced that I could see the physical features. The blood tests were done, came back negative. And when I looked for the physical features I had been so sure were there - I couldn't see them. It is very much a case of "seek and ye shall find". So by all means get him checked out, to allay your fears. But take it from me - bad as it is for you, and I know how bad it can get - your boy could have it all explained under the autism umbrella. Those parents who raise their eyebrows - they don't know how lucky they are. Or maybe their child isn't as high functioning as yours and mine. Hang in there. Marg [/QUOTE]
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