Thanks all, so very much. I am struggling with this. While I can intellectually realize the traps of enabling difficult child and abstain from the enabling, I am hurting inside watching this unfold. I can't believe that we rescued him from this situation as a toddler, and now he is voluntarily putting himself right back into it. Not only that, but I can see his bio mom in his behavior, and they are strangers to one another. I wonder if there is something in the genetics. She refused to modify her behavior all those years ago, despite the worst of consequences (losing her children), and yet, she just refused - left town with the carnival, never to return, literally, leaving her children behind. When she was at home, she refused to take care of the sanitary and hazardous issues with her living environment for the kids. difficult child spent a good chunk of time strapped into a car seat as an infant by her because it was easier than actually taking care of him.
difficult child is doing the same thing in his own way - refusing to cooperate with expectations of his family, friends, employers, educational institutions, etc., despite the most devastating effect this is having on his life. It is as if there is something wrong with him neurologically that impairs his ability to be cooperative with others/expectations in pretty much every setting, and this is really negatively impacting his life.
On my end, I feel completely powerless to stop this out-of-control train that will eventually derail.
We worked so hard to raise JT well, and he is so disrespectful and ungrateful. He calls us Nazis and communists and ignorant, and all sorts of things. He comes into our home and watches porn on my laptop that I loaned him, smokes cigarettes and probably drinks when he feels like it (not sure about how much/often), and brings knives and lighters into the house when we ask him not to (due to our younger difficult child and safety issues). But that's not the worst of it. The worst is the way he treats us. He swears at us and demands things he seems to think he is entitled to and just looks down on us in general. I'm tired of being talked to the way he talks to us. It hurts, and I'm SO tired of trying to help him fix his life and the constant drama. Things have gone downhill considerably since he turned 18. I am grieving for the relationship that will probably never be.
I don't want to enable him, and I don't see a decent way out of this for him. We are no longer the Bank of Mom and Dad, funding his life. He is unbelievably argumentative and stubborn these days. Despite all of his negative happenings, he still brags about himself constantly and seems to think he is more talented than most people and will get a good paying job, no problem, though he doesn't have any real successful experience, training, or job references. He is in a fantasy world, and I guess if he can't use us for anything, we are nothing to him.