Adoptive difficult child Lost Job and is Moving in with Bio Mom and wad kicked

[stressbunny]

Cedar, Thank you for explaining that. I have only recently begun to operate more easily from a healthy place. Now that JT is grown, I am working on taking a step back and viewing him as an adult, versus the child he was years ago. And, as an adult, he should be expected to function at a higher level. After all, he is exerting his will over his own life in every possible way. I can't control his choices (so hard for me sometimes), but I can control mine. I can't take over for him, but I can pray for him. I can't really have peace that everything is going to be okay, but I can learn to accept the uncertainty that life inevitably brings. I can't function in the same capacity as a mother to JT as I did when he was a child, but I can learn to take care of myself now, after so many exhausting years. Sometimes I don't sleep well, and I wake up with high anxiety, and I remind myself that I am strong and that I can cope; one day at a time.

In terms of applying this to JT's junk (massive loads of it) that he wishes to park in my house for some indefinite period of time, I realize that I wouldn't allow anyone else to do this. I know it would stress me out to have so much clutter and mess in my garage or basement, or spare bedroom. So, I am working on not feeling so obligated to do so much for JT. He has treated me so poorly, this past year especially, that I have come to feel like an enabling domestic violence victim, where the "violence" is the emotional pain I allow him to inflict upon me. I am finally in a position where I feel strong enough to set my boundaries and allow him to leave my life, if he so chooses, and accept that this may happen, as painful as it is. I'm better off respecting myself in the long run.

 

[scent of cedar]

I have only recently begun to operate more easily from a healthy place.

I am working on taking a step back and viewing him as an adult, versus the child he was years ago.

And, as an adult, he should be expected to function at a higher level.

After all, he is exerting his will over his own life in every possible way.

I can't control his choices (so hard for me sometimes), but I can control mine.

I can't take over for him, but I can pray for him.

I can't really have peace that everything is going to be okay, but I can learn to accept the uncertainty that life inevitably brings.

I can't function in the same capacity as a mother to JT as I did when he was a child, but I can learn to take care of myself now, after so many exhausting years.

Sometimes I don't sleep well, and I wake up with high anxiety, and I remind myself that I am strong and that I can cope; one day at a time.

So, I am working on not feeling so obligated to do so much for JT.

He has treated me so poorly, this past year especially, that I have come to feel like an enabling domestic violence victim, where the "violence" is the emotional pain I allow him to inflict upon me.

I am finally in a position where I feel strong enough to set my boundaries and allow him to leave my life, if he so chooses, and accept that this may happen, as painful as it is.

I'm better off respecting myself in the long run.

We have a thread on detachment going, Stressbunny. I wish I knew how to post this to that thread. It is very difficult to justify turning away ~ which is what refusing to enable feels like, to me. I am very sure that maintaining a sense of separation from our adult kids is the healthy and sane response.

I find your comments strengthening.

Cedar