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Adult child stealing from us....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 381624" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>My sister lived next door to our parents. My sister's son was off the rails, on drugs, selling his body for money for drugs, breaking into homes to steal, I'm certain he was stealing from y sister but she wouldn't tell us. He of course grew up knowing where the key was for my parent's home and found their stash of cash in the freezer (people don't realise, everyone hides money there!). My parents had hidden the cash there even in their own home, because they knew their grandson was in the area and had previously stolen from the more obvious places such as their wallets. They did not call the police when he stole from family, which taught him that family money was his for the taking, it BELONGED to him.</p><p></p><p>Nephew is now clean and straight. He served serious time in prison and now realises there is a lot wrong with him. Not antisocial personality disorder though. But while he was on drugs, he behaved as if he had antisocial personality disorder. The drugs were secondary to other learning problems not well managed by schools back then, although my sister did a great deal to help him. He now acknowledges this. He is back in my sister's life, but only from a distance. I think he feels deeply ashamed and feels he doesn't deserve to be involved with family, although we did make a point of inviting him to all three of our kids' weddings. I didn't expect him to come but would have made him welcome, because in his case, I think he really has changed.</p><p></p><p>But what it took was awful, and very upsetting. He was abusive, he told my sister he would make sure she never saw her grandchildren again, he told her she was a horrible mother (she wasn't). In other words, after stealing form her, stealing from family, turning his back on everything she had tried to do for him, seeing her try to save him from jail - he taunted her with everything he could think of that was designed to hurt her as much as he could. But that was the drug addict talking. Never trust a drug addict.</p><p></p><p>My sister finally had to stop trying to save him from jail. That hurt her a lot. But he had to reach rock bottom, and the longer she tried to save him, the longer it took for him to get his back to the wall. </p><p></p><p>You took your daughter back in, in March, saying that one more incident and she would be done. Since then she's done some pretty big things. You need to stick to your original claim. The trouble is, in her mind she did those things months ago, and only now are you getting angry? Of course she stopped stealing, you just haven't had the chance to notice yet. Then it will be, "Oh well, if you're not even going to give me a chance, if despite all my assurances you won't trust me, I might as well go on stealing form you. After all, it's what you expect, isn't it? which of course makes you feel, when she does steal, that somehow it's your fault. It is not.</p><p></p><p>Be strong, talk to the cops. Dump her in it. Chances are, she's done the rounds of the mail boxes and stolen other credit cards as they come in. Ask the neighbours. Not everyone is as vigilant as you (they don't have to be) and also, credit card companies often pay up quietly and don't report problems when someone insists, "But those purchases are not mine, check the signature."</p><p></p><p>We had something similar happen to us a couple of years ago - our cards were about to expire (husband & I share cards on the same account) but the new ones had not arrived. The PIN had been posted and arrived several weeks (a month, I think) and finally, a few days before expiry, the cards arrived. We keep extra credit on that account as a rule (to avoid incurring interest charges) but when husband first tried to use the card, the transaction was declined because it was maxed out. husband is very good at tracking, got online to check his credit purchases and found someone had been buying opera tickets in bulk in Rome. No way was it us. We went to the police as well as the bank and have not heard anything since, apart from a letter form the bank saying, "We are giving you the benefit of the doubt for now, that you did not make these purchases. If this changes, you will be made to pay it back."</p><p>I'd love to know what happened; I suspect something happened way back at despatch, the card eventually had arrived in the bank's envelope as it should have, so whoever intercepted it was able to use the bank's envelope. And we had never rung to ask for the card to be re-sent - we did eventually get it. Just delayed. But nobody will tell us, because our part in it is done. And so these crimes can be so easy to get away with, because people do not know to be vigilant, or to complain, or to report it. We nearly didn't go to the police, husband didn't think it was needed, he thought the bank would look into it. But the banks try to keep these things quiet. it costs money to investigate; if only a few thousand are involved, that's the cost of an investigator for a day or two and that won't tell them enough.</p><p></p><p>So ask the neighbours. Talk to the bank Talk to the police. If she has done this to neighbours, then it's not just you sending her to jail. It would be best to be obvious that it's her own actions putting her in jail, and not vindictive parents (which will be her fiction, unless there are other cases as well not involving you guys).</p><p></p><p>Be strong. You need to be. There is almost certainly a lot more going on with her than you realise - March to September is a long time for her to not commit a crime of sorts, she seems to be addicted to the adrenalin rush and the need to feel superior to the people she steals from.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 381624, member: 1991"] My sister lived next door to our parents. My sister's son was off the rails, on drugs, selling his body for money for drugs, breaking into homes to steal, I'm certain he was stealing from y sister but she wouldn't tell us. He of course grew up knowing where the key was for my parent's home and found their stash of cash in the freezer (people don't realise, everyone hides money there!). My parents had hidden the cash there even in their own home, because they knew their grandson was in the area and had previously stolen from the more obvious places such as their wallets. They did not call the police when he stole from family, which taught him that family money was his for the taking, it BELONGED to him. Nephew is now clean and straight. He served serious time in prison and now realises there is a lot wrong with him. Not antisocial personality disorder though. But while he was on drugs, he behaved as if he had antisocial personality disorder. The drugs were secondary to other learning problems not well managed by schools back then, although my sister did a great deal to help him. He now acknowledges this. He is back in my sister's life, but only from a distance. I think he feels deeply ashamed and feels he doesn't deserve to be involved with family, although we did make a point of inviting him to all three of our kids' weddings. I didn't expect him to come but would have made him welcome, because in his case, I think he really has changed. But what it took was awful, and very upsetting. He was abusive, he told my sister he would make sure she never saw her grandchildren again, he told her she was a horrible mother (she wasn't). In other words, after stealing form her, stealing from family, turning his back on everything she had tried to do for him, seeing her try to save him from jail - he taunted her with everything he could think of that was designed to hurt her as much as he could. But that was the drug addict talking. Never trust a drug addict. My sister finally had to stop trying to save him from jail. That hurt her a lot. But he had to reach rock bottom, and the longer she tried to save him, the longer it took for him to get his back to the wall. You took your daughter back in, in March, saying that one more incident and she would be done. Since then she's done some pretty big things. You need to stick to your original claim. The trouble is, in her mind she did those things months ago, and only now are you getting angry? Of course she stopped stealing, you just haven't had the chance to notice yet. Then it will be, "Oh well, if you're not even going to give me a chance, if despite all my assurances you won't trust me, I might as well go on stealing form you. After all, it's what you expect, isn't it? which of course makes you feel, when she does steal, that somehow it's your fault. It is not. Be strong, talk to the cops. Dump her in it. Chances are, she's done the rounds of the mail boxes and stolen other credit cards as they come in. Ask the neighbours. Not everyone is as vigilant as you (they don't have to be) and also, credit card companies often pay up quietly and don't report problems when someone insists, "But those purchases are not mine, check the signature." We had something similar happen to us a couple of years ago - our cards were about to expire (husband & I share cards on the same account) but the new ones had not arrived. The PIN had been posted and arrived several weeks (a month, I think) and finally, a few days before expiry, the cards arrived. We keep extra credit on that account as a rule (to avoid incurring interest charges) but when husband first tried to use the card, the transaction was declined because it was maxed out. husband is very good at tracking, got online to check his credit purchases and found someone had been buying opera tickets in bulk in Rome. No way was it us. We went to the police as well as the bank and have not heard anything since, apart from a letter form the bank saying, "We are giving you the benefit of the doubt for now, that you did not make these purchases. If this changes, you will be made to pay it back." I'd love to know what happened; I suspect something happened way back at despatch, the card eventually had arrived in the bank's envelope as it should have, so whoever intercepted it was able to use the bank's envelope. And we had never rung to ask for the card to be re-sent - we did eventually get it. Just delayed. But nobody will tell us, because our part in it is done. And so these crimes can be so easy to get away with, because people do not know to be vigilant, or to complain, or to report it. We nearly didn't go to the police, husband didn't think it was needed, he thought the bank would look into it. But the banks try to keep these things quiet. it costs money to investigate; if only a few thousand are involved, that's the cost of an investigator for a day or two and that won't tell them enough. So ask the neighbours. Talk to the bank Talk to the police. If she has done this to neighbours, then it's not just you sending her to jail. It would be best to be obvious that it's her own actions putting her in jail, and not vindictive parents (which will be her fiction, unless there are other cases as well not involving you guys). Be strong. You need to be. There is almost certainly a lot more going on with her than you realise - March to September is a long time for her to not commit a crime of sorts, she seems to be addicted to the adrenalin rush and the need to feel superior to the people she steals from. Marg [/QUOTE]
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