Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Adult child stealing
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 581696" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I am very happy that you're here Jane, you've found a home here with us, a tribe of weary, wounded parents who keep each other sane in the insane world of our difficult child's. No judgment here, only compassion, empathy, understanding and broad shoulders to offer hugs.</p><p></p><p>So, my first response to your post is that <em>nothing </em>is forever, I don't agree at all with your mother's assessment. We learn to take it one moment at a time, and in this moment right now, we set boundaries, we get real clear on what we can do and what we can't, what we're willing to do and what we're not. In your case, which is somewhat unique because of your sons health issues, it may take a bit more creative thinking, but the bottom line is the same, you <u>don't put up with bad behavior that does not respect you. </u></p><p><u></u></p><p><u></u>If I were you, I would talk to my husband, figure out very clearly what you feel good about helping with. There may be a monetary amount which you can deal with and feels okay to you..........I wouldn't pay his student loans, that's his. However, you might decide to help him financially with the medical bills. But, you may not too, no judgment, I think it all depends on what you feel good about. One line that helps me is that 'loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad.' With enabling there is often resentment. Examine your willingness or lack of willingness, be honest with yourself and then communicate that to your son. Let him know exactly what you plan to do and then, and this is the important part, STICK TO IT. If you don't he will manipulate you. You have to be absolutely clear about your boundaries, these kids have a sixth sense for weakness so if you flounder, he'll be right there with the next set of manipulations. You may even begin a weaning program, you pay X amount now, which decreases each month by so much with the end result being in a year, (or whenever) he is solely responsible for his own finances. It's really all up to you. For some of us, the best we can hope for with our kids is healthy dependence, which is often related to mental illness where they really do not have the ability to develop life skills. Your son sounds as if he has all the life skills but uses his illness as a crutch to stay dependent on you. You likely have already done this, but an honest conversation with your sons primary Doctor to assess just what his limitations are, what his abilities are may be prudent. I don't know if you can do that at his age, but I would try to get as much information as I could about exactly where he is medically so I know what my options are and I can act accordingly. He can easily manipulate you with fear. And, the truth is that no matter what you do or don't do, he may suffer medical consequences that no one can help him with, and unfortunately, that is something you will have to address. Many of us here have to look at the fact that our kids may die, or something horrible may happen to them when we are not holding them up and taking care of them...........and that's true, they may die........as awful a thought as that is, facing it is the truth, facing it and dealing with it will free you to make the choices NOW which need to be made and will keep you strong when he uses that exact fear within you as his ammunition to get what he wants from you. It's a slippery slope we parents find ourselves on, I do know how crummy that all feels, believe me, I had to face all of that with my daughter too, and it is a "personal devastation" as one wise mother here said, a personal devastation like nothing your heart ever thought it could bear. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but this stuff hurts and I don't want you to believe that one of us here ever cruised though this without enormous fear and doubt.</p><p>Stealing and treating you with no respect is not okay by any stretch of the imagination. You have to separate his behavior from his illness. He is sick, okay, but that gives no one license to treat others badly, he gets no pass on that. Keeping him at a distance seems appropriate. Decide how much you want to talk to him on the phone too. If it is so upsetting to you, then limit it to what YOU WANT and need. What you want, not him. He will drain you and disrupt your home and peace, so remember that and act accordingly. You've seen him go through the script, you know the outcome, so what you can do is respond differently. </p><p></p><p>Responding differently may take some work, you and your son are in a deep pattern of behavior and it's tough to stop those. But, if you stop, he has no choice but to stop too. Once one person stops playing the game, the game ends. You have the power to stop it by simply not playing. You may need support to do that because your mothers heart will run interference and create doubts and fears in your mind which will hurt your heart and keep you stuck. That's where the support comes in, a therapist, a counselor, a parent group, some place you can go to learn new ways to respond, tools to keep you on track, ways to be able to see the antics for what they are, and separate them from the truth. It's difficult because as you now know for certain, this is not a normal landscape we all find ourselves on, this is a kind of hell that defies reason and our instincts, it pushes us to make decisions we're not prepared for but must make anyway, it makes our hearts hurt in ways that are unimaginable.................and yet we forge through and we find our way...............You've got to make yourself and the rest of your family your priority now, you've got to learn to focus on yourself and detach from your sons chaos. Or you will go down the rabbit hole with him. If at some point he respects your boundaries, respects you, you can allow him back in accordingly, all dependent on his behavior, he gets better, he is included in your family, if not, he isn't.</p><p></p><p>No one said this would be easy or quick, but one thing is for sure, you can't continue living the way you have been. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. That's insanity. Sanity is finding a way through which will create peace. I'm glad you're here, I hope you keep posting and I send you truckloads of hugs and warm wishes for you to find your serenity.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 581696, member: 13542"] I am very happy that you're here Jane, you've found a home here with us, a tribe of weary, wounded parents who keep each other sane in the insane world of our difficult child's. No judgment here, only compassion, empathy, understanding and broad shoulders to offer hugs. So, my first response to your post is that [I]nothing [/I]is forever, I don't agree at all with your mother's assessment. We learn to take it one moment at a time, and in this moment right now, we set boundaries, we get real clear on what we can do and what we can't, what we're willing to do and what we're not. In your case, which is somewhat unique because of your sons health issues, it may take a bit more creative thinking, but the bottom line is the same, you [U]don't put up with bad behavior that does not respect you. [/U]If I were you, I would talk to my husband, figure out very clearly what you feel good about helping with. There may be a monetary amount which you can deal with and feels okay to you..........I wouldn't pay his student loans, that's his. However, you might decide to help him financially with the medical bills. But, you may not too, no judgment, I think it all depends on what you feel good about. One line that helps me is that 'loving kindness feels good and enabling feels bad.' With enabling there is often resentment. Examine your willingness or lack of willingness, be honest with yourself and then communicate that to your son. Let him know exactly what you plan to do and then, and this is the important part, STICK TO IT. If you don't he will manipulate you. You have to be absolutely clear about your boundaries, these kids have a sixth sense for weakness so if you flounder, he'll be right there with the next set of manipulations. You may even begin a weaning program, you pay X amount now, which decreases each month by so much with the end result being in a year, (or whenever) he is solely responsible for his own finances. It's really all up to you. For some of us, the best we can hope for with our kids is healthy dependence, which is often related to mental illness where they really do not have the ability to develop life skills. Your son sounds as if he has all the life skills but uses his illness as a crutch to stay dependent on you. You likely have already done this, but an honest conversation with your sons primary Doctor to assess just what his limitations are, what his abilities are may be prudent. I don't know if you can do that at his age, but I would try to get as much information as I could about exactly where he is medically so I know what my options are and I can act accordingly. He can easily manipulate you with fear. And, the truth is that no matter what you do or don't do, he may suffer medical consequences that no one can help him with, and unfortunately, that is something you will have to address. Many of us here have to look at the fact that our kids may die, or something horrible may happen to them when we are not holding them up and taking care of them...........and that's true, they may die........as awful a thought as that is, facing it is the truth, facing it and dealing with it will free you to make the choices NOW which need to be made and will keep you strong when he uses that exact fear within you as his ammunition to get what he wants from you. It's a slippery slope we parents find ourselves on, I do know how crummy that all feels, believe me, I had to face all of that with my daughter too, and it is a "personal devastation" as one wise mother here said, a personal devastation like nothing your heart ever thought it could bear. I don't mean to sound so dramatic, but this stuff hurts and I don't want you to believe that one of us here ever cruised though this without enormous fear and doubt. Stealing and treating you with no respect is not okay by any stretch of the imagination. You have to separate his behavior from his illness. He is sick, okay, but that gives no one license to treat others badly, he gets no pass on that. Keeping him at a distance seems appropriate. Decide how much you want to talk to him on the phone too. If it is so upsetting to you, then limit it to what YOU WANT and need. What you want, not him. He will drain you and disrupt your home and peace, so remember that and act accordingly. You've seen him go through the script, you know the outcome, so what you can do is respond differently. Responding differently may take some work, you and your son are in a deep pattern of behavior and it's tough to stop those. But, if you stop, he has no choice but to stop too. Once one person stops playing the game, the game ends. You have the power to stop it by simply not playing. You may need support to do that because your mothers heart will run interference and create doubts and fears in your mind which will hurt your heart and keep you stuck. That's where the support comes in, a therapist, a counselor, a parent group, some place you can go to learn new ways to respond, tools to keep you on track, ways to be able to see the antics for what they are, and separate them from the truth. It's difficult because as you now know for certain, this is not a normal landscape we all find ourselves on, this is a kind of hell that defies reason and our instincts, it pushes us to make decisions we're not prepared for but must make anyway, it makes our hearts hurt in ways that are unimaginable.................and yet we forge through and we find our way...............You've got to make yourself and the rest of your family your priority now, you've got to learn to focus on yourself and detach from your sons chaos. Or you will go down the rabbit hole with him. If at some point he respects your boundaries, respects you, you can allow him back in accordingly, all dependent on his behavior, he gets better, he is included in your family, if not, he isn't. No one said this would be easy or quick, but one thing is for sure, you can't continue living the way you have been. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results. That's insanity. Sanity is finding a way through which will create peace. I'm glad you're here, I hope you keep posting and I send you truckloads of hugs and warm wishes for you to find your serenity. [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
Parent Support Forums
Parent Emeritus
Adult child stealing
Top