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Adult Child Who Steals...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 620511" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Shawn welcome. I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I am assuming your daughter is in her late 20's now. I am not aware of any program which is geared towards those who can't stop stealing, however perhaps others might.</p><p></p><p>Unfortunately, unless our adult kids have a desire to change, usually they don't. Once we become aware of their reluctance to change, in this case to stop stealing from others, then we have to detach from their choices and their behaviors. You cannot change someone, no matter who it is, if they are not willing to change. You didn't cause this and you can't control it or change it. Only your daughter can and she isn't.</p><p></p><p>By not forcing her to face the consequences of her behavior you are enabling her. Her father is enabling her by not reporting her theft to the police. Whatever the reason for her stealing, unless she wants to stop or is put in a place where it is impossible to steal, like jail, she will not stop. You can't make her change.</p><p></p><p>In my opinion, when our kids are failing to thrive for whatever reason and they are wrecking havoc in our lives, WE need to change so that WE can have a peaceful life without their choices and behaviors ruining our lives. At some point parenting comes to an end and our adult kids have to face reality, face consequences and grow up. If they don't then perhaps living in a shelter will be the appropriate place for your daughter. Look into local shelters where she can live. You are not obligated to continue to take care of her and try to find options for her stealing.</p><p></p><p>There is an article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, you may want to read it and give it to your daughter's father as well. You do her no favor by enabling her to continue stealing. Her comment about stealing because of past events is not an excuse for her behavior it is a manipulation of you so that you continue enabling her. Our kids are master manipulators so that they can continue to act out, not be responsible for their actions, usually get a free ride and continue to abuse us on all kinds of levels. Only you can stop this because she won't. How you stop it is by detaching from her.</p><p></p><p>If she has been staying with you or her father and you are paying for anything for her, you need to stop that. You need to stop the flow of money and any free ride that she has. She may never change, but you can. You can learn to detach from her actions and choices and move ahead with your own life. It sounds as if you are taking full responsibility for your daughter's problems and they are not yours, they are hers and she needs to figure it out. </p><p></p><p>If the rehab doesn't work, in my opinion, she needs to get a job, get her own place, get out of your home or her fathers home and face the consequences of her stealing. If you don't allow that to happen, you WILL be living this exact same scenario when your daughter is a 37 year old thief. Your options at this point seem to be to learn detachment, to change your responses to your daughter, to learn how to set boundaries on the behaviors that are abhorrent and illegal, to get support for you to learn how to detach and to find a way to get your own life back on track regardless of what your daughter is doing or not doing. </p><p></p><p>This is hard work. We parents usually need a lot of help to learn detachment. You may want to consult a therapist for yourself so you can learn tools and get understanding and support. I'm glad you found us. Many of us have similar stories but with adult kids, the usual outcome is WE learn to detach from them and put the focus on our own lives. Wishing you peace................keep posting, it helps. We're here if you need us..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 620511, member: 13542"] Shawn welcome. I am sorry you are going through this with your daughter. I am assuming your daughter is in her late 20's now. I am not aware of any program which is geared towards those who can't stop stealing, however perhaps others might. Unfortunately, unless our adult kids have a desire to change, usually they don't. Once we become aware of their reluctance to change, in this case to stop stealing from others, then we have to detach from their choices and their behaviors. You cannot change someone, no matter who it is, if they are not willing to change. You didn't cause this and you can't control it or change it. Only your daughter can and she isn't. By not forcing her to face the consequences of her behavior you are enabling her. Her father is enabling her by not reporting her theft to the police. Whatever the reason for her stealing, unless she wants to stop or is put in a place where it is impossible to steal, like jail, she will not stop. You can't make her change. In my opinion, when our kids are failing to thrive for whatever reason and they are wrecking havoc in our lives, WE need to change so that WE can have a peaceful life without their choices and behaviors ruining our lives. At some point parenting comes to an end and our adult kids have to face reality, face consequences and grow up. If they don't then perhaps living in a shelter will be the appropriate place for your daughter. Look into local shelters where she can live. You are not obligated to continue to take care of her and try to find options for her stealing. There is an article on detachment at the bottom of my post here, you may want to read it and give it to your daughter's father as well. You do her no favor by enabling her to continue stealing. Her comment about stealing because of past events is not an excuse for her behavior it is a manipulation of you so that you continue enabling her. Our kids are master manipulators so that they can continue to act out, not be responsible for their actions, usually get a free ride and continue to abuse us on all kinds of levels. Only you can stop this because she won't. How you stop it is by detaching from her. If she has been staying with you or her father and you are paying for anything for her, you need to stop that. You need to stop the flow of money and any free ride that she has. She may never change, but you can. You can learn to detach from her actions and choices and move ahead with your own life. It sounds as if you are taking full responsibility for your daughter's problems and they are not yours, they are hers and she needs to figure it out. If the rehab doesn't work, in my opinion, she needs to get a job, get her own place, get out of your home or her fathers home and face the consequences of her stealing. If you don't allow that to happen, you WILL be living this exact same scenario when your daughter is a 37 year old thief. Your options at this point seem to be to learn detachment, to change your responses to your daughter, to learn how to set boundaries on the behaviors that are abhorrent and illegal, to get support for you to learn how to detach and to find a way to get your own life back on track regardless of what your daughter is doing or not doing. This is hard work. We parents usually need a lot of help to learn detachment. You may want to consult a therapist for yourself so you can learn tools and get understanding and support. I'm glad you found us. Many of us have similar stories but with adult kids, the usual outcome is WE learn to detach from them and put the focus on our own lives. Wishing you peace................keep posting, it helps. We're here if you need us.......... [/QUOTE]
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