Adult children who stop talking to you

[toadkisser2005]

This is a bit like what I am going through. Married young, I wasn't ready to be tied down to the commitment of a dairy farming life..... Stuck after 13 years of marriage, I left. My boys moved out immediately after turning 18 and eventually both of them have stopped talking to me. The youngest is 25 now and just stopped last month. He cut off all communication with me after I dropped him from my insurance for his car. (he got a 5th speeding ticket).... I am left feeling used, as he just finished his last stretch of college and just cut me off. Like I was just a convenience of money!
The youngest and I were the closest to each other and never ever had bad words with each other. We spent a lot of time together and always maintained daily communications! Why did he do this??
My oldest son and I never got a long much, and I can understand why he stopped talking to me. We have nothing in common, and don't even enjoy doing things with each other. Don't get me wrong... It still hurt! But I understand that split better!
Mothers day is this weekend, and I know that neither one of them will acknowledge my existence!
Leaves me feeling like, why did I even waste my time having children in the first place!
;-(
Moving on here, with or without them!!

Raven,
I also married young and after a tumultous period of time divorced. I thought when I married him he would be a good father but drugs and alcohol took over. He walked out of our lives and has zero contact with his children - his loss in my opinion!!


My easy child daughter had a difficult child period and was literally scared straight after a brush with the law - she is currently a mother of 2 beautiful difficult child's - both home schooled and dually enrolled in college - both straight A students. My daughter was always in gifted classes and won awards so I was really surprised when she turned difficult child. Thank heavens she turned it around - SHE turned her life around - she rode the bus over 2 hours for her court ordered counseling sessions.

My born difficult child son is another story - his frequent brushes with the law were bragging rights with his friends - he started drugs at a very early age. His relationships are always with other difficult child's and always came to me 'loaning' them money. He has been in program after program - I have spent so much money hoping one day he will get his life together.

This last relationship has been the worse - I had to call the police to stop the harrassment from her - she has cut off all contact with his friends and family. Not entirely her fault - it takes 2!

I have met her 1 time and his sister has never met her - she started harrassing his sister - telling her she should be in jail for the horrible things she did to him as a child. These things never happened - she was much older than him and really out of the house before his teens. His sister was crying and very upset - I told her the difficult child girlie is just getting her kicks playing us against each other. They broke up and now they are back together - he has lied about it , but I know they are. They fight and he cuts himself and threatens suicide. One day he may accidentally do it.

I stopped giving him money long ago, but he has one emergency after another. After I found out he (she was in on it) been conning me out of money, and all of the lies came out, I refused to send money for ANYTHING.

He sent me a really nasty text message blaming me for everything that has happened to him. The only way of contact I have is FB so I don't go there. He posted 'happy turkey day' and I ignored it. He can call collect but he never does.

I am so very tired of this **** and I refuse to be a part of his constant drama. I feel it will be a very long time before I hear from him and hopefully by that time he will understand that it is HIS life and HE is repsonsible for it.

Learn to detatch and live your life - you did the best you could. I apologised to my children years ago and my daughter said I don't know how you did as much as you did for us. Not my son, he tries to get money by making me feel guilt, and I don't any more. I remember a book where the author said no parent goes to bed at night thinking what they can do to screw up little Johnny or little Sally's life.

Get past the guilt that most mothers have - we want the best for our children. Forgive your self and your spouse - and your children - but do not allow them to abuse you! They are adults now, it's their life. Enjoy yours!

(((blessings for us all)))

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome TK, I moved your post onto it's own thread. You had responded to an old post. This way you are likely to receive more responses.

I'm glad you're here, but sorry you are going through such struggles with your sons. You've come to the right place, many of us have similar stories.

It's difficult to understand the choices our adult children make sometimes. I'm sorry. I know how much it hurts. Perhaps for the time being, it would be best to simply let it be, let some time pass and when it feels right let your youngest know your true feelings, your hurt, your willingness to work things out if he is too. Some parents who've experienced what you are, feel appropriate in simply sending messages of caring for awhile, just to let the kid know he/she is loved, while still giving them space to work out whatever they're working out. Sometimes after the dust settles a bit, people come around and are more willing to see their part and apologize or at least open up the lines of communication. And sometimes kids have to understand your boundaries and it takes them time to do it.......he may be used to you doing a lot for him and now he has to get used to a different way. If his is acting like a jerk to you and/or being disrespectful, then that's a different story. Of course, this is only my opinion, I am not in your shoes, nor do I know the whole story, you have to do what you feel is right.

Just know that we on this board have been all over the parenting landscape, the good, the bad and the ugly..........we are a very supportive, caring group of parents and we understand most of what other parents go through, so if it feels right, please keep posting. Our kids can hurt us more then anyone else can..............hang in there.............sending good thoughts.

 

[BusynMember]

I'm really sorry about this. NOTHING hurts more than when a child rejects you and you aren't sure why.

Since both did it, makes me think they've been talking to one another. Did anything happen lately that would make them use that as an excuse to stop talking to you? Yes, it's an excuse and, unless you abused them, it is very mean. Just wondering...did you leave the family home when you got divorced so that kids were with Dad and Dad had a chance to poison them against you? Anything else that united them in anger t ha you can think of? This includes even things that really don't make any sense or aren't true. Were they angry because you left dad?

What is your life situation life now? Do you have loved ones to talk to? Are you remarried? Good friends?

Sending you positivity and lots of hugs.

 

[Hound dog]

This is the worst sort of hurt.

Welcome to the board.

Katie walked out of our lives for 6 yrs without a word after we went bankrupt helping her. She's been back for about 3 yrs now. We talk when she feels like talking, see her when she feels like being social. And had another year of not talking after her dad died. I've learned to accept it as "it will be what it will be" with this child. Doesn't always make it less painful, but it does help to deal with it.

(((hugs)))

 

[trinityroyal]

Speaking from the perspective of a child who has stopped interacting with my parents, I think moving on is the best -- really, the only -- thing you can do.

Fwiw, I don't hate my parents. I don't really feel any negative emotions toward them. I just know that my life and that of my family is much better, healthier and happier without them in it. So I stay away, and have no intention of changing the status quo, regardless of pleas and pressure from them.

Whatever took place between you, and there is likely a vast difference in perspective as to what did take place, they will return to the fold if and when they are ready, or not. Trying to force the issue might only serve to entrench them in their current position. Give them time and space, focus on yourself and other loved ones, and live your life as best and happily as you can.