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Adult child's expectations
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 623193" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>Hi Mum, I'm glad you are here and hope we can share with you some thoughts and our own experience. </p><p>I am sure there is a lot more to your story and your son's story, but with what you have written, I will share these thoughts. The good news, from what I am reading here, is that you have tried and tried. Buying a house for him to live in at age 34 because </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>is quite an attempt to help your son. I know that I had to feel like I had tried everything I could think of---and more---before I was willing to do something different. I had to be completely sick and tired of being sick and tired. </p><p></p><p>My son's difficulties began when he entered middle school, but they were mild compared to the last four years. Does your son use drugs? You mention some anxiety and depression---is there more than these difficulties? </p><p></p><p>My son is a drug addict, and through his addiction, he has had complete failure to launch. Today he is 24.5 years old. Many of my son's friends have graduated from college, they are working at full time jobs and some are married with children. </p><p></p><p>You may be aware that a person's development basically stops when they are using drugs. My son's behavior has been at about the 15-year-old maturity level, if not a bit younger. That is the "age" from which he appears to make decisions.</p><p></p><p>It is my experience that the more I did for my son, the more he expected me to do and wanted me to do, and the less he did for himself. Finally (I am a very slow learner), I saw this in the clear light of day, and I began to work hard on myself so I could allow myself to stop doing the things he, as an adult, should be doing for himself.</p><p></p><p>To this day, he does not believe he needs help to stay off drugs. While I know that miracles do occur, the majority of people have to work a serious program of rehabilitation and recovery in order to stop taking drugs and to stay sober, one day at a time. And then, relapse still is a frequent occurrence. </p><p></p><p>Recovery is a choice. Getting help is a choice. Helping yourself, and stopping depending on other people, is a choice. </p><p></p><p>Since you asked, I will say that his behavior (and my son's behavior as well) is not normal. I would give him 30 days to leave the house. If he is not out within 30 days (under his own power and via his own arrangements and decisions) and refuses to leave, I would remove him from the house with the help of the proper authorities. I know that will be very hard to do, and it will hurt you to do it. But Mum, we don't do our adult children any favors when we protect them from the realities of life, and from growing up. </p><p></p><p>Hugs and prayers and blessings for you this night. </p><p></p><p>Today, Mum, I am standing back from my son. I see him about once a week for a very short period of time. I give him no money at all. He has been homeless for the past 40 days and he lives on the street in the town where I live. There is a shelter he can apply to stay at, and there are halfway houses he can apply to stay at. Of course, he will have to be drug-free in order to stay there. He is able to get three meals a day, take a shower, walk from place to place and wash his clothes. He has no money. He has no job. This is his choice. </p><p></p><p>If my son ever does make some progress (that is believable and consistent) toward change, there are many people who will encourage him, support him and even help him to dig out of the deep hole he has dug for himself. But Mum, we have been there and done that many, many times over the past four years, thinking that THIS TIME is the time he will take the hand we are extending to him, and then pull himself up with it. That hasn't happened, no matter how many times, and no matter what we have done.</p><p></p><p>So, today, Mum, we are done with that. We love him very much and we aren't mad at him. In fact, I have compassion for him, but I will admit I am frustrated to watch this waste of wonderful human potential, and I can't spend too much time close to it right now. If I see him in small doses, I can display my deep love for him and my encouragement. </p><p></p><p>But I do have frustration with people who just won't help themselves. That is hard for me, and I admit I do judge them, way more than I want to. I am working on that trait in myself, but I'm not there yet.</p><p></p><p>Today, I wish you some peace and some calm so you can decide what you will do next. I am sorry your son has not taken the hand you have extended to help him, and has not pulled himself up with that hand. Only you can decide what you will do.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 623193, member: 17542"] Hi Mum, I'm glad you are here and hope we can share with you some thoughts and our own experience. I am sure there is a lot more to your story and your son's story, but with what you have written, I will share these thoughts. The good news, from what I am reading here, is that you have tried and tried. Buying a house for him to live in at age 34 because is quite an attempt to help your son. I know that I had to feel like I had tried everything I could think of---and more---before I was willing to do something different. I had to be completely sick and tired of being sick and tired. My son's difficulties began when he entered middle school, but they were mild compared to the last four years. Does your son use drugs? You mention some anxiety and depression---is there more than these difficulties? My son is a drug addict, and through his addiction, he has had complete failure to launch. Today he is 24.5 years old. Many of my son's friends have graduated from college, they are working at full time jobs and some are married with children. You may be aware that a person's development basically stops when they are using drugs. My son's behavior has been at about the 15-year-old maturity level, if not a bit younger. That is the "age" from which he appears to make decisions. It is my experience that the more I did for my son, the more he expected me to do and wanted me to do, and the less he did for himself. Finally (I am a very slow learner), I saw this in the clear light of day, and I began to work hard on myself so I could allow myself to stop doing the things he, as an adult, should be doing for himself. To this day, he does not believe he needs help to stay off drugs. While I know that miracles do occur, the majority of people have to work a serious program of rehabilitation and recovery in order to stop taking drugs and to stay sober, one day at a time. And then, relapse still is a frequent occurrence. Recovery is a choice. Getting help is a choice. Helping yourself, and stopping depending on other people, is a choice. Since you asked, I will say that his behavior (and my son's behavior as well) is not normal. I would give him 30 days to leave the house. If he is not out within 30 days (under his own power and via his own arrangements and decisions) and refuses to leave, I would remove him from the house with the help of the proper authorities. I know that will be very hard to do, and it will hurt you to do it. But Mum, we don't do our adult children any favors when we protect them from the realities of life, and from growing up. Hugs and prayers and blessings for you this night. Today, Mum, I am standing back from my son. I see him about once a week for a very short period of time. I give him no money at all. He has been homeless for the past 40 days and he lives on the street in the town where I live. There is a shelter he can apply to stay at, and there are halfway houses he can apply to stay at. Of course, he will have to be drug-free in order to stay there. He is able to get three meals a day, take a shower, walk from place to place and wash his clothes. He has no money. He has no job. This is his choice. If my son ever does make some progress (that is believable and consistent) toward change, there are many people who will encourage him, support him and even help him to dig out of the deep hole he has dug for himself. But Mum, we have been there and done that many, many times over the past four years, thinking that THIS TIME is the time he will take the hand we are extending to him, and then pull himself up with it. That hasn't happened, no matter how many times, and no matter what we have done. So, today, Mum, we are done with that. We love him very much and we aren't mad at him. In fact, I have compassion for him, but I will admit I am frustrated to watch this waste of wonderful human potential, and I can't spend too much time close to it right now. If I see him in small doses, I can display my deep love for him and my encouragement. But I do have frustration with people who just won't help themselves. That is hard for me, and I admit I do judge them, way more than I want to. I am working on that trait in myself, but I'm not there yet. Today, I wish you some peace and some calm so you can decide what you will do next. I am sorry your son has not taken the hand you have extended to help him, and has not pulled himself up with that hand. Only you can decide what you will do. [/QUOTE]
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