Adult daughter caught roomate shooting up

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by tryagain, May 7, 2014.

  1. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Everyone was so great when my difficult child daughter tried to commit suicide in late February. Since then, she's moved back to our community, gotten an apartment with a guy friend she's known since junior high, gotten a food delivery job, developed a surprisingly strong work ethic, learned to manage money much better, and apparently taking her bipolar medications (as she's been stable all this time).

    Her apartment mate has been a nice, thoughtful young man (they have agreed not to be "dating" while living together for now, although they do go on "dates" and there's definitely attraction - they are doing the mature thing).He has been very dependable and sweet to difficult child. From a nice middle class family.

    I can't believe what's happened tonight.

    This evening, she walked in the apartment and he was shooting up. I did not know until tonight that he is a recovering heroin addict. Found out tonight that he's done rehab, now has counseling, takes suboxone, goes to the gym daily, has a food delivery job and strong work ethic, good family support.

    She immediately walked out and came over here. She contacted his mom (who'd asked her to do so if "it" happened) then returned to the apartment-he was gone. He did not show up for work tonight - totally not like him. No one knows where he is.

    difficult child is just crushed. She is so fragile and vulnerable - I am now scared of what effect this is going to have on her - although I can't control that. She's come so far in 2 months-from mental hospital to enjoying life again - and I hope that this does not trigger a manic attack.

    I am praying he is safe and is found soon. I don't anticipate getting much sleep tonight. Thanks, whoever reads this, for any prayers and good thoughts for this young man (and for difficult child).
  2. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry...sending hugs for difficult child (and you) and prayers for her roommate. Hope he's found safe.
  3. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Thanks, KTMom. No word yet.
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Sending prayers.
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry tryagain. Sending prayers and hope for a positive outcome........comfort and hugs for you too ..........
  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Sadly one of the characteristics of our difficult child's is that they surround themselves with unstable or addicted people, and open the door to this kind of instability. This may be the exception in that the boy was doing really well...and yet, often my difficult child introduces me to new friends who he insists are a really good influence on him, helping keep him straight and healthy, insisting he go to 12 step meetings etc...only to find later that they relapsed or overdosed or disappearted. I think it is part of the whole picture of our kids.

    I am sorry your daughter is yet again in a stressful situation, whatever the root cause.

    • Like Like x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    The shock and horror of seeing someone who supported her recovery fall into using again may turn out to be exactly what your daughter needed to see Tryagain, to recognize the danger and the temptation of relapse.

    Thoughts and prayers going up.

    It is crucially important that you (and your daughter) practice good self care techniques during this time. Which are the practices that brought you strength in the past?

    It is encouraging that your daughter was able to be truthful with you about what happened, that she was able to turn to you in her pain.

    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  8. in a daze

    in a daze Well-Known Member

    I understand the worry and anxiety, TA. Is she in therapy? A session would be indicated if she is.

    Relapse is so common among addicts. My son says one or two people relapse every week in his sober living house. He's been there since January. He was at another very strict sober living place for 9 months, and the same thing was happening. He said one guy was found dead in the bathroom. Two of the house techs left, moved to Texas, and relapsed again. He heard that another guy OD'd and died last week. He himself relapsed on his prescription Adderall when they moved him to three quarters house and he was controlling his own medications ( not exactly the same thing as seeking the drug out, but a relapse nontheless).

    I feel for his family, too. Remember: You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. It's up the the addict.

    Thoughts and prayers for your daughter that she gets through this crisis.
  9. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    He was found ok at his dad's place very early this morning. difficult child is very shaken, angry, disappointed, and hurt by this-she is not ready to see or talk with him -yet. She's going to stay at a girlfriend's tonight, which I supported-I am trying to help her avoid a mood swing. In the past, her mood swings have led to disaster and could be very violent with holes in the walls, cursing, and chaos. She is doing okay though, and even recognized today that she was on edge & took a dose of her "rescue medicine".

    In a Daze, she sees her psychiatrist every month and he's "on call" for her 24/7. Thank goodness.

    Cedar, our relationship has been very good since the suicide attempt, actually the best in years. As far as self-care, we have been having lunch together, did a little shopping this afternoon, etc. "girl stuff" which also gets her mind off of the situation.

    She confided in me because her dad would flip out if he knew about this. I see no need to distress him at this time.

    Echo, it is so true that "water seeks its own level". She told me that she is not going to abandon him because he needs a friend right now. I think they actually see each other as the "walking wounded" as both have been through some tough times. I think they will be strong for each other even if/when they can't be strong for themselves.

    KT, Recovering, and Pasajes-thank you for being there.

    Friends-You all are the best. Thank you for the prayers, support, and good thoughts.
  10. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    She handled this pretty well tryagain. As we know all too well, life is filled with stuff we have to deal with and perhaps this will teach her that she can, in fact, deal. That's a positive lesson for her to have under her belt. How she responds is what it's all about and so far, she's done all the right things..........I am proud of her for being a good friend and for seeking help for herself when she needed it. Stuff happens, it's how we respond to the stuff that counts. She did well. So did you. Hugs.
  11. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Thanks, Recovering. We are doing the best we can, just like everyone else here. I'm praying for stability for them both.
  12. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Update: difficult child had been handling her stress well. HAD. Her apartment mate is irrational and mad at her for telling his parents about his heroin relapse so they could get him help. He won't talk to her. His mom told her that once he gets sober, he'll realize she possibly saved his life-he'd been using for 2 weeks and difficult child had no idea. She and he had planned a big party tomorrow night--it's been in the works for weeks, and they spent a good bit of their ( not our!) money on it. She was so excited-sadly, I don't know if he'll even show. But today came the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.

    She was in a minor wreck and came unglued about damage to her car. She called her workplace and said she couldn't deliver food tonight with the blinker broken, although she could have borrowed my car. She hasn't handled this well at all-stormed out cursing- I'm asking for prayers for her not to spiral into mania and derail all the progress she has made since the suicide attempt.

    Husband is complaining of being tired of crisis after crisis-and the money we've spent--and he doesn't even KNOW about the apartment mate's addiction. That's exactly why I have not told him about that latest drama.I feel stress from all directions! So glad you all are here to listen.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so very sorry tryagain. I know exactly how it feels to watch them begin to implode. You're in the middle of a lot of stress including keeping this from your husband. Please remember to take good care of yourself, keep yourself well supported and well cared for. Do kind things for yourself and do your very best to step back from your daughter's dramas. I am saying a prayer for your daughter and for you..........hugs for you Mom........we'll be circling the wagons around you...............
  14. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Recovering, you are so kind and comforting. Thank you for understanding. I am trying to step back from the drama--it's so hard with her living in our community--husband and I have even discussed moving ourselves. That might be what we have to do to put a little distance between her and us.
  15. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Just a quick update. So much drama surrounds my difficult child that I could post every day, but I will spare you all and say that she did NOT spiral down, and at this moment has been very strong and brave while her apartment mate is just 3 days into his heroin withdrawal &continues to be mean to her whenever she comes by there.

    She knows it's the heroin withdrawal and when he cursed at her, she just told him that she would "be there" for him and left. She has gone to the big party they had planned together (which I'm sure he won't attend) tonight.

    I know this can all change in the blink of an eye, but I am relieved for the moment. Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. Her apartment mate will continue to need your prayers because he really is a nice young man. Drugs are the work of the devil.
  16. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thanks for the update tryagain. Sound as if she is doing quite well. Prayers for the young man, for your daughter and for you...........Do something kind and nurturing for yourself tryagain...........take care of YOU. Hugs...............
  17. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    Recovering, thank you, as always. And YOU deserve a special treat as well...all of us moms do...I had 3 horrible Mother's Days in a row a few years back and began to hate the day. But I realized that I could honor MYSELF, in my mind, regardless of how I was treated. And even though things are calm at this time, I've never forgotten that lesson. So moms...honor yourselves...
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I wasn't sure what to write about your thread so I sat back, felt horrible for you, and watched what others wrote. Our difficult children set themselves up for disaster by who they hang around with and, in my experience, don't get better themselves until THEY get tired of the drama and the entire drug scene and try to seek straight friends. It is hard on them and on us. My daughter told me that her drug friends would never leave her be when she tried to quit. She did it once she moved to another state where nobody knew where she was...there is always hope. Never ever give that up. You are doing well and your daughter actually did hold it together for a while. She has learned some coping skills.

    Since you, along with everyone here, are an awesome mom, who happened to be thrown a child who is differently wired, I would be very nice to yourself today and hopefully spend some time with your other kids. If nobody shows, heck, go to a restaurant with your hubby and have a great meal or do something you both really enjoy. You deserve to have a good day, not a day where you are overly sad at home just thinking about difficult child.

    I once read the Mother's Day is the number one day for suicide. Not Christmas, which I'd have thought, but Mothers Day. That saddened me. I heard it during a very difficult time in my life and it really resonated. But, in a slight way, it at least made me realize I was not alone. That particular year I would not celebrate mother's day even though two of my children wanted me to. I just could barely move, let alone celebrate. But here I am years later and things are so much better.

    Time is your friend. You will get through this. You need to stay strong for your family AND for yourself. We are all here for you today. I can't see two of my grown kids (live out of town) and all we're doing is barbecuing later on after my youngest, who is visiting her college, gets home. So it's not going to be a big deal here.

    Hugs and love from one good mother to another good mother.
  19. tryagain

    tryagain Active Member

    MWM, so true. Thank you for taking the time to write. It sounds like you had a nice low-key Mother's Day, which you so deserved, and I did too. difficult child came by after work and brought me something she had baked at work just for me. My easy child/difficult child did call, although his sister (difficult child!) probably had to tell him it was Mother's Day! It's all good.

    You are correct, difficult child is so improved from the suicide attempt 3 months ago. Now she has an apartment, a job, and takes her medications (it seems, although you can never be 100% sure). I wondered why she would move into an apartment with someone recovering/relapsing from heroin, but the more I thought about it, she herself would be a risky person to have an apartment with, considering her past violent outbursts when she was not being compliant with her medications. And I'll bet he felt the same, in that he felt like, who would want to be a support person and live with him either. So I guess that's how she got to this place.

    I pray that watching her friend deteriorate and suffer is making a strong impression on her never to go the (illegal) drug route and to continue on this path that is working for her.

    Carpe diem, it's time to go take on the day. Hope yours is a good one.