Adult daughter update... I will never get it. Ever.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SuperG, Apr 12, 2016.

  1. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    It's been a long time since I originally posted here, and so many times I've logged on to post an update, but just never could get it all out. Here's a summary: grown daughter (raised essentially by me alone, with twice monthly visits with her dad), super awesome kid through school (good grades, etc), until her senior year when she became pregnant the first time. She has thrived and then regressed so often over the years, but eventually finishing college with a nice professional degree. In the meantime, multiple relationships, and now a total of 4 children (none have the same father), was married once to the nicest guy she's ever been with (but they are now divorced).

    I could write a novel... all the ups and downs... over the years. No substance abuse involved, but I'm pretty convinced she has ADD for certain, and maybe even Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Again, I would love to chronicle details here, but there are just not enough hours (you can find my original post from a year ago for a little summary of what was going on then).

    So here we are now.... and see, I still don't even know where to start. Another new baby born this week (#4), and the baby daddy still doesn't know the role he wants to play.... and I guess there's no pressure from her as she's just cruising along without a plan.... he moved her out of the house she rented from me (which was OK and that house has been sold now so that enmeshment is broken - based on advice I was given here).... BUT he was a controlling asshead, and he moved her out to the country in Nov, and then walked out on her in Jan (when she was 5 months pregnant with his child). Yes, this is the kind of man she seems to prefer. What kind of thinking is this???

    I really need to connect with other moms in this kind of situation. I need very specific advice on how to handle some things.... if you have a grown daughter (especially if she has kids) that you need to disengage from - and especially if you've been able to find a way to actually DO IT, please connect with me. I need to try to understand what I should do here. I DO NOT want to enable. I just want to disengage, and maintain a good relationship with my grands. They depend on me for a lot. They are young.

    I wish I could put things into words better.... sometimes I just can't deal. This is one of those weeks.
  2. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Active Member

    Hello, SuperG. Here is your original thread, I think.

    That's the best I can do for you other than provide some sympathy for your predicament. I don't think you will be successful in getting your daughter to put her children first in her life. Some parents aren't able to do that, but often the children turn out fine regardless.
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi SuperG, I know how difficult this is with grands in the journey. My daughter has three kids from the same mixed up boyfriend and it has been a hard road for all of us. It was the grands that kept us involved mostly, they cant help being born into a crazy situation. Of course we love our daughter, but same scenario as yours, instead of different boyfriend's same one, and drugs......ugh. My grands have been to , well I lost count, maybe 7 schools and they are still in elementary. It is heart wrenching. I have learned the hard way that I needed to detach, and it really has been through my daughter going no contact. Many posts later, here I still am.
    I will never get it ever, either.
    According to my daughter, it is all my fault that she is this way.
    I love my grands, do not see them as often as I would like, but after all I have been through, it has gotten a bit easier with time. They know I love them. They just cannot live with us anymore. Hubs is ill and the drama and chaos is not good for any of us.

    I want to be the cookie baking grandma.

    Posting here has helped me tremendously to understand that this is the rest of MY life. Not just by posting my own grief, but answering others.

    So, here I am.

    Your daughter is going to make the choices she does. She is an adult and unfortunately does not see her responsibility the same way you do, or did. It is really simple, when it comes down to realizing this.

    Also, she is the legal parent of these kids.

    I know how hard this is SuperG, and how heart breaking and unfair it is for the grands. I don't know how much you are "helping", but something has to give, or I can see your daughter just having more kids.

    She does not have to change if nothing changes on your end.

    As long as you are willing to pick up the slack for her, slack she will.

    These are things for you to think about.

    Nothing has to be done right this minute, but you may want to start to set some boundaries to how much you are willing to do, and how much it is really helping.

    We will not be around forever to step in, so the sooner you figure this out, the sooner your daughter understands that you are going to put a limit to what you are doing, and she has to come up with a better strategy.

    We over-helped for a long time. My grands were raised in some really awful circumstances and are pretty street wise. After awhile, I figured out I was doing them a disservice by stepping in so much, mom didn't appreciate it, then they started with an attitude of entitlement. That is a long story, but what it boiled down to is that their mother didn't respect us, so neither did they.

    If we bend over backwards to the detriment of our own health and sanity, then we are disrespecting ourselves.

    I love my daughter and my grands, but enough, was enough.

    I figure God willing, I might have another 20 years of okay health.
    That is a short time.

    We have worked hard all of our lives, raised kids and did the best job we could. Time for boundary setting and drawing the line. Sit down and figure out what you are willing to do, and make plans to do it.

    Be the cookie making grandma.

    I was thinking about pretending to have alzheimer's or something like that.
    If my daughter decides to call me, I'll just be sweet and loving and repel all the drama with dementia. LOL.

    Figure out what YOU want to do. You call the shots. You draw the line.

    This is your time.

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  4. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi SuperG,

    Glad to see you again!

    What involvement do you have in your daughter's life that is above and beyond what most people would consider 'typical'? More than the cookie-baking grandma would do?

    If you feel led, list some things.

    Are you still working together?

    Stay with us, SuperG. What can we help with?

  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Hi SuperG, I don't have a daughter with kids, as you requested, so I'll keep it short:

    This is very very true. If I can read between the lines of what you are writing, it's the grandkids that are the real issue right now. That is very understandable, but...

    I like what New Leaf writes here. Respecting ourselves, and putting ourselves first (a hard thing for most of us to grasp) comes from a complete mind shift. We have to start thinking and KNOWING that we are 51% and our DCs and our grandkids, even, are 49%. Again, this is a major shift for most of us, but after we fully grasp it, and start to believe it, it can be a positive foundation for everything new that we need to do.

    We only have one life. Our DCs have one life, a separate life from ours. Our grandkids have one life, their own life, not their parent's life or their grandparent's life. We are all separate people, put here with our separate roles, responsibilities and journeys. We can't walk another's journey, another's path. We can only walk our own path. And others have to walk theirs.

    The sooner we can start grasping onto this very real truth...but a hard truth to swallow, when we love people and are so afraid for them...the better off we are, and the better off they are, because then we can start letting to, letting people have their choices, no matter how nonsensical they may seem to us, and stepping back.

    I don't know if this helps or not. Food for thought.
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  6. sooooo tired

    sooooo tired soooootired

    Oh WOW....If I didn't know it this is a cookie cutter scenario of my situation. My daughter was a good kid, she excelled in sports broke long jump record, was a flag girl in the band, was senior attendant, had alot of good friends. But same thing....she got pregnant her senior year, although she did finish high school. She married the father and they battled it out for 2 years, although he was a good guy, she just developed a TON of mental issues. I believe like you that she is adhd and borderline. Then she got involved with a married man and had a baby with him. Of course he promised to leave his wife and marry her LOL !!!! So she stayed the other woman for about 5 years. Then she met a decent guy, they got married and she had baby #3 a little girl. Well that lasted around 3 years and they split....she doesn't even have contact with her daughter, who is now 12. She is living with her dad and his new wife and just had a new baby sister, although I know she is well taken care of and loved, I feel a void, and do not understand how my daughter can just pretend she doesn't exist. Soooooo then she meets the worst one ever no job didn't finish high school, she knows him for 3 months and oops pregnant again baby # 4 and daddy # 4. My daughter turned 40 in feb. She decided to go to school, got all signed up and was 3 weeks in to it when baby daddy # 4 moves her way out of the city where she can't get to school because she has no car. He is very controlling and mean to her. Everything is HIS and if she makes him mad he throws her out of the house. So now she is living with a friend and ignoring her son, who is the best kid in the world!! And my 4 year old grandson is being tossed around to whoever will watch him. I have him on the weekend. He always looks like a street kid when I pick him up. He admittedly doesn't get baths because his lazy father won't fix the bathtub. It just breaks my heart!!!! My daughter keeps trying to weasel her way into my house, so she can sit on her butt and freeload off of me. But trust me that will NEVER happen!!! I have at least come that far! I have come to the conclusion that after 20 some years of letting her torment me that I have to stop or my life is going to be hell, and I am going to be 63 and I would like to enjoy my time not spend it worrying over things I can't change!! Don't get me wrong I have a ways to go also, but this site is my lifeline. I wish I would have met all of these awesome women years ago!! Like they tell me you have to think about yourself, you have raised your kids, it is now your turn! I understand about the hurts alot!! But I do what I can do and PRAY!!!! that god will watch over them!! I am not in a position to raise another child. I work full time and just couldn't physically handle it! But she has made her choices and she is going to have to figure this out on her own!!! I am so glad I read your post. I can relate soooooo well!! Take card and keep in touch!!
  7. SuperG

    SuperG New Member

    Sooooo tired - THANK YOU for sharing. Yes, it sounds like we have very similar situations. I still can't find enough time or energy to write the whole novel of the last 11 years, but I know you can relate to the scenario I describe. I'm thankful that I can always come here to find support and good advice. I struggle with knowing what to do, what to say, how to deal.... but this place keeps me grounded. And I need that.