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Adult son 33 is homeless, Im Mom, 57, trying so hard to detach, not enable...
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 549851" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Blackgnat, it's tough to discern our kids behaviors sometimes as being as 'out there' as they really are. When my difficult child stayed with my SO and I for awhile at the beginning of the year, perhaps for the first time there was another adult who saw what I saw. Previously, for all the ensuing years, I was alone with her, no one else was right there witnessing it. Right after Christmas last year when my daughter was with us and acting really badly, he and I took a drive. As soon as we got in the car, we both started venting to each other about her behavior. When I heard him saying all the same things as I was feeling, thinking, experiencing, it really had an impact on me. Before that I could delude myself into thinking it was me, it wasn't that bad, she wasn't that 'out there,' there was something I could do, on and on my justifications went. After that day, those justifications were gone. I was really seeing the truth.</p><p> </p><p>I hope you have reached a point of acceptance/detachment/awareness, which sounds like you have, for your path will get much easier now. Just last night in my therapy group we were talking about this road of detachment and how there is no right or wrong, it is not a linear experience, it's all over the map, and each one of us goes about it in the best way we can, trying so desperately, to do the right thing. No one way is THE WAY, we each find our own way in our own time. It happens when it happens, we do the best we can along the way. That's all any one of us can do. </p><p></p><p>I don't think any of us knows the answer to "what is it going to take?" It takes what it takes, is something my therapist always says. For us parents, this is a nightmare of epic proportions, which other 'regular folks' don't understand, so often we feel really alone and desperate. I'm glad you have a therapist. I hope you have a few friends or family members or loved ones who can empathize and listen to you, that's important and helps a lot. </p><p></p><p>If you have passed out of the 'ninth circle of hell' and into the first circle of letting go, which it appears you have, your life will reflect more peace of mind, that's been my experience of late. I hope that's true for you. The ICU experience is clearly <u><strong>extremely </strong></u>unacceptable behavior so I truly hope as you said, "this is it." </p><p></p><p>You've paid enough of a price for your son, as I have with my daughter, as many of us here have, it's time to let go of him and go have your life...................(((HUGS)))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 549851, member: 13542"] Blackgnat, it's tough to discern our kids behaviors sometimes as being as 'out there' as they really are. When my difficult child stayed with my SO and I for awhile at the beginning of the year, perhaps for the first time there was another adult who saw what I saw. Previously, for all the ensuing years, I was alone with her, no one else was right there witnessing it. Right after Christmas last year when my daughter was with us and acting really badly, he and I took a drive. As soon as we got in the car, we both started venting to each other about her behavior. When I heard him saying all the same things as I was feeling, thinking, experiencing, it really had an impact on me. Before that I could delude myself into thinking it was me, it wasn't that bad, she wasn't that 'out there,' there was something I could do, on and on my justifications went. After that day, those justifications were gone. I was really seeing the truth. I hope you have reached a point of acceptance/detachment/awareness, which sounds like you have, for your path will get much easier now. Just last night in my therapy group we were talking about this road of detachment and how there is no right or wrong, it is not a linear experience, it's all over the map, and each one of us goes about it in the best way we can, trying so desperately, to do the right thing. No one way is THE WAY, we each find our own way in our own time. It happens when it happens, we do the best we can along the way. That's all any one of us can do. I don't think any of us knows the answer to "what is it going to take?" It takes what it takes, is something my therapist always says. For us parents, this is a nightmare of epic proportions, which other 'regular folks' don't understand, so often we feel really alone and desperate. I'm glad you have a therapist. I hope you have a few friends or family members or loved ones who can empathize and listen to you, that's important and helps a lot. If you have passed out of the 'ninth circle of hell' and into the first circle of letting go, which it appears you have, your life will reflect more peace of mind, that's been my experience of late. I hope that's true for you. The ICU experience is clearly [U][B]extremely [/B][/U]unacceptable behavior so I truly hope as you said, "this is it." You've paid enough of a price for your son, as I have with my daughter, as many of us here have, it's time to let go of him and go have your life...................(((HUGS))) [/QUOTE]
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