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Adult son addicted to pills and soon to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 602030" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Welcome, Scott.</p><p></p><p>You sound exactly like my own husband. (This is a good thing.) The paths we are required to walk and the things we are required to confront when our children are in this kind of trouble are not easy. There is no right solution; there is no decision we can make that helps everyone function normally, again. What my husband and I have learned to focus on is consequences TO US of our actions, and finding alternatives to that (mostly my) urge to bring the kids home and clean them up and make life good, again.</p><p></p><p>This site will be a good place for you to figure out how to do that, and to learn what the alternatives are.</p><p></p><p>Our son had turned his life around too, years ago. Beautiful woman he wanted to marry. But once he started working steadily, he started using steadily again, too. For a while, he was able to do both. Then, she left him. </p><p></p><p>And that was all he needed, to justify falling apart. </p><p></p><p>What finally worked for us, and for our son (and maybe these things had nothing to do with our son's recovery), was for us to tell him:</p><p></p><p>He had been raised better than to do what he was doing. </p><p></p><p>This is important. It is not your fault that your son is using. There is absolutely no way you can stop using, for him. You can, however, remind him that he was raised to know better, and to do better, than what he is doing. The blame, and the responsibility, are his. Also, he has a responsibility to you, and to his mother, to do better than to destroy himself with drugs. It is fatal for parents to blame themselves or to try to solve these problems for, their addicted children. (Though we do it, and can always figure out some way to take the blame, if we look hard enough.) If you blame yourselves, your child will blame you, too. Then, there is no one left to be the strong center around which the family can coalesce, once the addiction has been beat. </p><p></p><p>We loved him too much to watch him destroy himself. </p><p></p><p>This phrase sends the clear message that what the child is doing is wrong, and that it will destroy him. These are two beliefs addicts do not have about their addictions. They think it is somehow alright to do what they are doing, and they think they will escape the horrendous consequences. On some level, our kids believe what we say to them in a way they do not believe anyone else, in the world. Whether it looks like he is listening or not, use that power to say words that will help your son turn himself around. Maybe not today, but one day.</p><p></p><p>We loved him too much to help him destroy himself. </p><p></p><p>This meant no money, no moving home, no paying bills so he could use whatever money he had to poison himself. We were not able to reach this point and mean it until our son had moved home and left home, and moved home and left home, any number of times. We only reached that point after years of addiction, and after years of learning from the other parents on this site. Every one of us needs to do what he or she can live with. We all need to be able to look into our mirrors in the morning, and not hate ourselves. We are all looking at the very real possibility that our children will not survive their addictions.</p><p></p><p>There are no answers.</p><p></p><p>Each of us does the best we know.</p><p></p><p>We come here to share our stories, and to gain strength for the next assault. Sometimes, there are good endings; sometimes, good and positive things happen.</p><p></p><p>The McCoy link at the bottoms of my posts contains information, words for us to use, when talking to our troubled adult children. Please take a moment to check it out. It was very helpful, to me.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p><p></p><p>P.S. If Scott is your real name, please think about changing your name, here. We do not use our real names in our titles, and we are purposefully vague about our true locations, to protect ourselves and our families. Also, anonymity enables us to be honest about what is happening to us, and to our kids.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 602030, member: 1721"] Welcome, Scott. You sound exactly like my own husband. (This is a good thing.) The paths we are required to walk and the things we are required to confront when our children are in this kind of trouble are not easy. There is no right solution; there is no decision we can make that helps everyone function normally, again. What my husband and I have learned to focus on is consequences TO US of our actions, and finding alternatives to that (mostly my) urge to bring the kids home and clean them up and make life good, again. This site will be a good place for you to figure out how to do that, and to learn what the alternatives are. Our son had turned his life around too, years ago. Beautiful woman he wanted to marry. But once he started working steadily, he started using steadily again, too. For a while, he was able to do both. Then, she left him. And that was all he needed, to justify falling apart. What finally worked for us, and for our son (and maybe these things had nothing to do with our son's recovery), was for us to tell him: He had been raised better than to do what he was doing. This is important. It is not your fault that your son is using. There is absolutely no way you can stop using, for him. You can, however, remind him that he was raised to know better, and to do better, than what he is doing. The blame, and the responsibility, are his. Also, he has a responsibility to you, and to his mother, to do better than to destroy himself with drugs. It is fatal for parents to blame themselves or to try to solve these problems for, their addicted children. (Though we do it, and can always figure out some way to take the blame, if we look hard enough.) If you blame yourselves, your child will blame you, too. Then, there is no one left to be the strong center around which the family can coalesce, once the addiction has been beat. We loved him too much to watch him destroy himself. This phrase sends the clear message that what the child is doing is wrong, and that it will destroy him. These are two beliefs addicts do not have about their addictions. They think it is somehow alright to do what they are doing, and they think they will escape the horrendous consequences. On some level, our kids believe what we say to them in a way they do not believe anyone else, in the world. Whether it looks like he is listening or not, use that power to say words that will help your son turn himself around. Maybe not today, but one day. We loved him too much to help him destroy himself. This meant no money, no moving home, no paying bills so he could use whatever money he had to poison himself. We were not able to reach this point and mean it until our son had moved home and left home, and moved home and left home, any number of times. We only reached that point after years of addiction, and after years of learning from the other parents on this site. Every one of us needs to do what he or she can live with. We all need to be able to look into our mirrors in the morning, and not hate ourselves. We are all looking at the very real possibility that our children will not survive their addictions. There are no answers. Each of us does the best we know. We come here to share our stories, and to gain strength for the next assault. Sometimes, there are good endings; sometimes, good and positive things happen. The McCoy link at the bottoms of my posts contains information, words for us to use, when talking to our troubled adult children. Please take a moment to check it out. It was very helpful, to me. Barbara P.S. If Scott is your real name, please think about changing your name, here. We do not use our real names in our titles, and we are purposefully vague about our true locations, to protect ourselves and our families. Also, anonymity enables us to be honest about what is happening to us, and to our kids. :O) [/QUOTE]
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