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Adult son addicted to pills and soon to be homeless
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<blockquote data-quote="Scott_G" data-source="post: 602518" data-attributes="member: 16626"><p>Thank you all for the support. Your words have confirmed what I already knew to be the right thing to do. I was simply having a moment where I was beginning to have some doubts. Well the situation may have resolved itself to some extent. On Saturday the boy calls his mother and tells her that his latest plan is to move to Florida. He's got a buddy who moved there a couple of years ago and supposedly this guy is going to let him stay at his house until he can get himself established. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he was offered an opportunity by his former employer to get help for his addiction and have his job waiting for him when he got out out treatment. I am very disappointed that he refused the offer for help. While running away to Florida can certainly offer a new start in life, you can't outrun addiction and I would not be surprised if his old habits found him in short order. On the other hand, out of sight, out of mind. Hopefully with a few thousand miles between us it will lessen the control he has over his mother. There's going to be no more "Can I borrow $200. I need it TODAY or my lights are getting shut off." He can't just swing by and get cash. </p><p></p><p>Personally I feel today that I have absolutely zero problem detaching. Maybe it's the anger talking, because I have been very angry at him the last few days, but I have resigned myself to the fact that a leopard doesn't change its spots. He has been lying and manipulative since he was 14, basically more than half his life, why should I believe or even hope that he will ever change at this point? I love him, but I do not like him, and I feel at this time that I don't want to have a relationship with him, at least not one based on lies and manipulation. He is a grown man and frankly I find it disgusting that he is unable to provide for himself and that he has to resort to not only borrowing money from his parents, but doing so under false pretenses (getting paid on Friday and telling his mother on Sunday that he needs to borrow money to make his car payment) and then making little or no effort to pay us back or work it off. He made a big mess for himself, and now he needs to figure out how to fix it.</p><p></p><p>Dealing with my wife is another story. I mentioned going to some sort of counseling and she will hear nothing of it. She feels that it is a waste of time. I also tried to discuss detachment. Again, she's not interested. She told me that she couldn't do it and that she wants to have a relationship with her son. My compromise there is that she can have an emotional relationship with him and that is it. I made it clear to her that he is never going to live under our roof, even on a temporary basis, and that he will get no more financial support from us once he goes to Florida, not even loans. I say once he goes to Florida because he doesn't even have the money to carry out his latest plans. Since it was his birthday last week, I reluctantly agreed to pay for his bus ticket to Florida, give him $200 in spending money, and a ride to the bus station. But I reiterated to my wife that this was it, and ONLY because it is his birthday, and I will tell my son again as well when I see him tonight.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scott_G, post: 602518, member: 16626"] Thank you all for the support. Your words have confirmed what I already knew to be the right thing to do. I was simply having a moment where I was beginning to have some doubts. Well the situation may have resolved itself to some extent. On Saturday the boy calls his mother and tells her that his latest plan is to move to Florida. He's got a buddy who moved there a couple of years ago and supposedly this guy is going to let him stay at his house until he can get himself established. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, he was offered an opportunity by his former employer to get help for his addiction and have his job waiting for him when he got out out treatment. I am very disappointed that he refused the offer for help. While running away to Florida can certainly offer a new start in life, you can't outrun addiction and I would not be surprised if his old habits found him in short order. On the other hand, out of sight, out of mind. Hopefully with a few thousand miles between us it will lessen the control he has over his mother. There's going to be no more "Can I borrow $200. I need it TODAY or my lights are getting shut off." He can't just swing by and get cash. Personally I feel today that I have absolutely zero problem detaching. Maybe it's the anger talking, because I have been very angry at him the last few days, but I have resigned myself to the fact that a leopard doesn't change its spots. He has been lying and manipulative since he was 14, basically more than half his life, why should I believe or even hope that he will ever change at this point? I love him, but I do not like him, and I feel at this time that I don't want to have a relationship with him, at least not one based on lies and manipulation. He is a grown man and frankly I find it disgusting that he is unable to provide for himself and that he has to resort to not only borrowing money from his parents, but doing so under false pretenses (getting paid on Friday and telling his mother on Sunday that he needs to borrow money to make his car payment) and then making little or no effort to pay us back or work it off. He made a big mess for himself, and now he needs to figure out how to fix it. Dealing with my wife is another story. I mentioned going to some sort of counseling and she will hear nothing of it. She feels that it is a waste of time. I also tried to discuss detachment. Again, she's not interested. She told me that she couldn't do it and that she wants to have a relationship with her son. My compromise there is that she can have an emotional relationship with him and that is it. I made it clear to her that he is never going to live under our roof, even on a temporary basis, and that he will get no more financial support from us once he goes to Florida, not even loans. I say once he goes to Florida because he doesn't even have the money to carry out his latest plans. Since it was his birthday last week, I reluctantly agreed to pay for his bus ticket to Florida, give him $200 in spending money, and a ride to the bus station. But I reiterated to my wife that this was it, and ONLY because it is his birthday, and I will tell my son again as well when I see him tonight. [/QUOTE]
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