Advice for family on the edge?

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LostSF

Guest
Thanks everyone.

But it seems we have a new problem... my SD has told her birth father she wants to move in with him(!)

I've just heard about it but my wife is away at a conference, so she doesn't know yet. This is absolutely going to break her heart. I have no idea how I'm going to comfort her, especially with her so far away.

This all apparently came to a head after her therapy last night, when she said she was thinking about running away. She first said during the session that she was thinking of going to her Dad's, and then admitted that would be a mistake because of his controlling and abusive behaviour. In the past year she's only seen or spoken to her father a handful of times because she says he makes her feel bad.

I can't help but feel like she's playing some kind of game -- go live at Dad's for the summer, teach Mom and SF a lesson about who's boss, and then come back home like nothing happened. But I guess it will come down to how comfortable (or uncomfortable) she gets at her father's.

My poor wife. She's loves her kids so much and has sacrificed so much for them (my SS already lives with his father full time... a whole other sad story). This is going to crush her.
 
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KTMom91

Well-Known Member
Miss KT used to pull that, too, every time she got ticked off at us. I finally told her that was fine, BUT she had to stay for the entire year. No switching schools, no crying and whining because Dad's house wasn't what you thought it would be, you wanted this, you deal with it. No moving back home until the year is up. Because she knew I'd hold her to it, and wouldn't let her come back, she decided it wasn't such a great idea, and stopped the manipulation. in my opinion, your sd is counting on her mom feeling bad and will then do anything to keep her at home, like let her do what she wants, toss you out, whatever the current issue is.

I don't have all the answers, and I'm really not covered with constant rhino skin (in fact, I was in the ER Sunday evening- thought I was having a heart attack), and I'm not totally immune to the constant drama. I can also relate to your wife's sacrifices for her kids. All I can say is do your best to be there for your wife even though her daughter is being awful.
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
Biodad makes her feel bad, but she loves his wife?

HUH?

I agree with KTMom, she is TRYING to make your wife feel bad and therefore she gets to do whatever she wants. You're collateral damage.

I'm glad she has the therapy sessions, but it seems to me there's more needed. What kind of relationship does she have with paternal grandparents? You said she visits them. Curious; some parents will stop at nothing to bad mouth the person that left their child. I'm not saying this is them - plenty others maintain a relationship even after the divorce - but something's off, and it's a logical place to start.

Hugs for your wife, too.
 
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LostSF

Guest
I agree that she's trying to punish her Mom and I, so we're focusing on helping her to get past that and to ease her resentment. But it's hard to do that when the things she wants to punish us for (her Mom being married to me, the restrictions we place on her so she doesn't make bad choices) are things we're not willing/able to change. She's got a therapy session next week and wife will be attending, so hopefully they can make some headway there (although I have to admit I have my doubts).

But I also think a big part of SD's decision to move to her father's is that it offers the opportunity of a new life for her.

I get the impression that she's not very well-liked at school, and she really only has one friend (who is even more of a difficult child than SD is, and who in the past has convinced SD to make some bad choices). She's sneaking around to try and make new friends with people outside of her school who she knows we won't approve of, but unless we keep her under lock-and-key or spy on her when she goes out it feels like there's only so much we can do to prevent it. So the "good" kids don't want to be her friend, and we make it hard for her to be friends with the "bad" kids.

Plus, her father lives in a big city and we live in a small town, so I think she sees moving there as a more exciting place to be.

And even though she knows life with her father won't be easy (he is very controlling and intolerant of her acting out), I think she believes she'll be able to outsmart him. He's lied to her for her whole life, and I don't think she'll hesitate to lie to him to get what she wants. Plus he doesn't worry about many of the things we do (like giving out personal info to strangers on the Internet), so she'll be able to get away with some things there that she doesn't here.

Deep down, I think SD just desperately wants to feel accepted (especially by her peers), and she sees moving to her father's in a new city as a chance to get that. I'm pretty sure SD knows that in many ways her father will make her life even more painful for her than it is now, but she's hoping that there will be enough other "fun" stuff to make it tolerable.

And she actually doesn't see her paternal grandparents or that side of her family very often -- she avoids them. They recently showed up at her school to visit her, unannounced... but that was after almost a year of not seeing or talking to her. I have no doubt that they would be happy to say bad things about us, and I also believe that she says bad things about us to get approval from them. Apparently that's been going on since my wife and he first separated. But unfortunately there's not much we can do about that, except to try and be the best parents and people we can be.

So now we have to wait and see how it all plays out. I'm pretty sure she won't be leaving before the end of the school year -- she has a big school trip that she won't want to miss, if nothing else. Hopefully (for her sake, if not ours) she'll cool down and rethink her decision between now and then. But I know we're going to continue to struggle with her behaviour during that time, so I won't be surprised if she decides to go.
 
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Shari

IsItFridayYet?
I lucked out with difficult child 1, so far, but if I could go back, I'd stop doing things that he "should" be able to do because of his age, and base what I did based on what he could handle, without regard to that magic "age" thing. It was pure luck things worked out as they did, and honestly, it could have, and could still, go either way.
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He needed supervision til he was 16. At 13 and 14, I let it slide and let him stay home. At 15 and 16, I sent him to my dad's for the summer so he wouldn't burn down the house.
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He needed psychiatric hospital placement at 15. I didn't do it for fear of what his dad would do. He needed it. Again, we lucked out that it turned out ok, but it very easily could have turned out far worse.
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Care for a child with even "just" an ADHD diagnosis is deductible on your taxes just like daycare for a younger child.
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Hire a high school girl to take her to the pool and the movies. But don't give in to her age and let some irrelevant number dictate how she's handled.
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I have an 8yr old Wee difficult child now....and I'm following my own advice with him. He's 5. In most areas,he's 5, so we deal accordingly.
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As for moving to dad's, I'm not sure...if you don't let her go, she'll retaliate even more; if you do, who knows. But if you do, I am with KT in that you make her stick it out, not run back and forth. That's such a tough call to make, and my views are so biased.
 
L

LostSF

Guest
Another day, another twist in the plot.

It looks like SD has decided to not move in with her father as planned. He's sending SS (who lives with him full-time) away on a working trip overseas for a month, and SD is very upset with him.

This is the second time SS (her brother) has travelled and she's been left out -- the first time her father, wife and SS went on a family trip and left her at home... two days after she decided to move in with us full time. When SD asked her father why she was being left out, he told her "if you decided to live with me full time, we would have taken you too" (that's the kind of person he is).

Sooooo.... for now at least she's decided to not move in with him. Not sure how she'll feel in a month, but for now at least she's staying put. I actually feel kind of conflicted about it -- it would hurt me a lot if she left, but part of me was looking forward to a break. Now we've still got the same problems as before, but SD has reason to be even more ****** off with the world.
 
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