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Advice for family on the edge?
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<blockquote data-quote="LostSF" data-source="post: 363524"><p>Thank you again everyone.</p><p></p><p>Three follow up questions:</p><p></p><p>1) I've been thinking about erbaledge's comments about consequences. We have tried to have a consequence-based set of rules for SD for a while now, but it's hard. Every time we impose consequences it becomes a battle, and my wife is in "pick your battles" mode. And worse, it seems like our consequences just push SD to hide things more and makes her more resentful, instead of teaching her any valuable lessons. I think we're both afraid that if we give consequences for every mistake SD makes, it's just going to cause us more problems.</p><p></p><p>So we tend to impose consequences when the rules have clearly been broken, but aren't as consistent when we have doubts. If we gave consequences for every mistake SD made or when we had suspicions but no proof, she'd be grounded pretty much around the clock.</p><p></p><p>Is that misguided thinking? Should we be imposing consequences for every issue, even when we don't have solid proof? </p><p></p><p>2) I was reading more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder last night, and thought that it sounded like a good fit for SD. I talked about it this morning with wife and suggested we take SD to get tested, and wife said that she's worked with ODD children before and that SD isn't one because she doesn't "lose control."</p><p></p><p>And after reading some of the other stories here, I'm wondering if I'm barking up the wrong tree. SD used to have temper tantrums, but has never had anything that I would describe as a "rage" (e.g., where she's screaming, throwing things, etc.). She's outgrown her tantrums, but now her behaviour is much more subtle -- refusing to follow the rules, telling us she doesn't care, lying, being manipulative.</p><p></p><p>I count my blessings that my situation isn't as difficult as many of yours seem to be, even though every day with SD is a challenge and has been since I came on the scene four years ago.</p><p></p><p>Please excuse the expression, but if you were to describe your situations with your difficult child as a war, I would describe ours as a cold war.</p><p></p><p>So am I wrong to think/hope that there's some kind of disorder at the heart of this? Am I in the right forum?</p><p></p><p>3) When wife asks SD why she's unhappy she often says it's because of me and that she hates me, even though she can't give any reasons why she doesn't like me. I've never been mean to her or rejected her, although she is quite jealous of the closeness wife and I have. She never speaks to me unless I speak to her, and then it's only one word answers. I've tried to build some kind of relationship with her, but she rejects me completely and has from the start.</p><p></p><p>On the other hand, she's very accepting of her birth father's wife, even saying she loves her. So that just makes me feel even worse.</p><p></p><p>I'm starting to think that SD really would be better off if I wasn't in the picture and wife was a single mom. I'm not planning on leaving, but I just find myself wondering how much my being here is a part of the problem.</p><p></p><p>I have the option to take a job further from home that would mean less time in the house (leaving before SD gets up in the morning and getting home before she's in bed, five days a week). Although I think much of SD's behavioural issues (e.g., lying) would continue, I do think that she might be happier, or at least not have me to blame.</p><p></p><p>Should I be thinking this way? Should I consider removing myself physically from the situation (taking a job further from home) to help increase SD's happiness and the peace in our household?</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="LostSF, post: 363524"] Thank you again everyone. Three follow up questions: 1) I've been thinking about erbaledge's comments about consequences. We have tried to have a consequence-based set of rules for SD for a while now, but it's hard. Every time we impose consequences it becomes a battle, and my wife is in "pick your battles" mode. And worse, it seems like our consequences just push SD to hide things more and makes her more resentful, instead of teaching her any valuable lessons. I think we're both afraid that if we give consequences for every mistake SD makes, it's just going to cause us more problems. So we tend to impose consequences when the rules have clearly been broken, but aren't as consistent when we have doubts. If we gave consequences for every mistake SD made or when we had suspicions but no proof, she'd be grounded pretty much around the clock. Is that misguided thinking? Should we be imposing consequences for every issue, even when we don't have solid proof? 2) I was reading more about Oppositional Defiant Disorder last night, and thought that it sounded like a good fit for SD. I talked about it this morning with wife and suggested we take SD to get tested, and wife said that she's worked with ODD children before and that SD isn't one because she doesn't "lose control." And after reading some of the other stories here, I'm wondering if I'm barking up the wrong tree. SD used to have temper tantrums, but has never had anything that I would describe as a "rage" (e.g., where she's screaming, throwing things, etc.). She's outgrown her tantrums, but now her behaviour is much more subtle -- refusing to follow the rules, telling us she doesn't care, lying, being manipulative. I count my blessings that my situation isn't as difficult as many of yours seem to be, even though every day with SD is a challenge and has been since I came on the scene four years ago. Please excuse the expression, but if you were to describe your situations with your difficult child as a war, I would describe ours as a cold war. So am I wrong to think/hope that there's some kind of disorder at the heart of this? Am I in the right forum? 3) When wife asks SD why she's unhappy she often says it's because of me and that she hates me, even though she can't give any reasons why she doesn't like me. I've never been mean to her or rejected her, although she is quite jealous of the closeness wife and I have. She never speaks to me unless I speak to her, and then it's only one word answers. I've tried to build some kind of relationship with her, but she rejects me completely and has from the start. On the other hand, she's very accepting of her birth father's wife, even saying she loves her. So that just makes me feel even worse. I'm starting to think that SD really would be better off if I wasn't in the picture and wife was a single mom. I'm not planning on leaving, but I just find myself wondering how much my being here is a part of the problem. I have the option to take a job further from home that would mean less time in the house (leaving before SD gets up in the morning and getting home before she's in bed, five days a week). Although I think much of SD's behavioural issues (e.g., lying) would continue, I do think that she might be happier, or at least not have me to blame. Should I be thinking this way? Should I consider removing myself physically from the situation (taking a job further from home) to help increase SD's happiness and the peace in our household? [/QUOTE]
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